10 Things You Never Knew You Wanted (But Now You Absolutely Need)

Are you good at resisting advertising? I try not to be a sucker, but time and again, the glossy ads in fashion magazines draw me in with their magical promises. I don’t think I have any interest in the high-couture lifestyle they’re offering . . . until suddenly I do.

Take a look. Don’t you want it all, too?

 

hermes

If you’d asked me yesterday, “What’s on your wish list?” I wouldn’t have said sparkly red gravity-defying sneaker-huaraches, because I’d never seen any. But now I have — and now I feel stupid for walking around vertically like some basic fool all this time.

 * * *

jennifer-connelly-louis-vuitton-ss-2017-1.jpg

At first, I thought, “Matching blue lace top and leggings with reverse shin zippers? Hard pass.” But then I looked at Jennifer Connelly’s face and posture and thought, CHANGE OF OPINION, MADAME CHAIRPERSON. She is not kidding around. I’m positive that if I wore this getup to go ask for a big raise, my boss would be like, “Are those leggings . . . cuffed?” And I’d say, “Cuffed like a motherfucker, ma’am.” And she’d be like, “Here’s a wad of cash for your tiny suitcase.” And I’d say, “Nice doing business with you.” And we’d high-five and that would be that.

* * *

IMG_9129 (1)

I thought I liked cupcakes, but that was before Gucci gave me the option of boobcakes.

* * *

IMG_9115

You know, I generally flip right past bridal gown pictures, but then BAM, this one came along and changed everything. I may not need to wear a wedding dress, but I absolutely want to throw wedding dresses out the window of my Parisian apartment while also flinging my haughty gaze at the commoners below.

* * *

IMG_9116

If I tried on this hip-hugging, one-shouldered, flared capri Jetsons-partysuit in a boutique, I’d probably think holy drunk paperdolls, these are a poor fit. But now that I see the demonstration, I get it. This is what I want to wear every evening when my children come in the door asking what’s for dinner. That tiny crust of baguette on the counter is what’s for dinner, kids. Now skedaddle — mommy’s got to hold the fridge up until dad gets home with the new robot.

* * *

IMG_9122

Chanel is bringing it this season. And by “it” I mean a spoonful of extra hallucinogenic marshmallows in every bowl of Lucky Charms, because WHOA. I like to imagine that in the creative meeting for this shoot, everyone sat around the table and threw in ideas: blue iridescent hose? YES. Pointy pink nail art? Yeah! 73 pounds of necklaces? OK! The hairdo all toddlers make on their parents when the parents fall asleep on the sofa? Indeed! And just when they thought they had reached optimal overkill and they were all finished, one guy — let’s call him Kurt — was like, “Wait. It needs something else.” And everyone was like, “What, Kurt? WHAT DOES IT NEED??” And Kurt whispered dramatically: “yellow eyebrows.” And then everyone in the room completely lost their shit and clapped and wept and threw their pencils down and put Kurt on their shoulders and carried him out of the room to a celebratory happy hour down the street.

* * *

IMG_9123

Sure, you can gawk anonymously at strangers from behind plain old sunglasses, but this helmet allows you to stare at people undetected while also shooting salad from your ears. The space mittens seem like a nice way to protect a fresh manicure, too. I simply must have the whole ensemble. Nothing else will do.

* * *

IMG_9114

Where’s my hairdryer? Shhhh. I can’t tell you. I don’t need it anymore. I’m the Frizz Queen of Butterfly Bordello.

* * *

IMG_9128

First thought: Awww, why is Nanette there on the left so scared? Second thought: Maybe she’s afraid a bird will fly into her mesh skirt and get its beak stuck and start flapping and freaking out dangerously close to her ladyparts; that would be scary. Third thought: This seems like a great and chemical-free way to keep mosquitos off your limbs, though. I wonder if it comes in beach colors?

* * *

turtleneck

This Fendi ad is actually the cover of the book about my life: Nancy Drew And The Mystery Of The Hidden Pantry And The Sad Wallpaper And The Green Dickey And The Sweaty Ankle Sock-Boots And The Deep Confusion About What Is Fashion And What Is Just Fucking Crazy.

 * * *

I need all 10 ensembles, stat.

47 comments

  1. This is the funniest thing I have read in ages! Thanks for starting my day with something funny before the daily news kills my good humor. I shared it on my Facebook page because friends should share a hearty laugh now and then.

  2. Ha! This is so funny. I don’t remember starting to follow your blog, but clearly I did as this appeared in my Reader, and I’m glad of it! I genuinely want that dress that looks like wallpaper though, accompanied by those pink and beige striped boots; is that wrong?

  3. This might be the best thing you have ever written, and that is saying a great deal. The bridal gown, though? She was not going to throw it out of the window. It’s her blankie. Nothing says “wealthy” like using a fancy gown as a throw. And that’s not even the one she uses when she has company.

  4. My biggest problem with your fashion ad posts is that I want to have a favorite part but I can’t because every next part is even more hilarious than the last and these just make me so happy. SO HAPPY, ML!!!

  5. This put serious pressure on my ability to laugh uproariously but completely silently into my keyboard in my massively overpopulated open-plan office. Thank you!
    I may have perforated my eardrums with the effort of keeping the hilarity inside – but, thank you!

  6. iTh’ss hilarious, I loved the part about holding the fridge upright until dad comes home with the new roboter 🙂
    Thanks for thinking about those funny crazy ads and making them a source of laughter!

    I’m totally following your blog immediately!
    Found you via Design Mom.
    Bye from germany

  7. This is the best post on fashion EVER! I love your sneaky slide from the sublime to the ridiculous. And I think your life must be just fine, judging it by its cover. We are all confused and crazy and it helps to know that. I’m off now to find those fabulous translucent tights – just what I need for my black dress.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s