Dear hiring manager,
“Armadillo” means “little armored one,” but it looks to me like humans are the ones up in arms right now. Vast numbers of despondent people need consoling, yet due to the finite quantity of trained comfort dogs, kittens, and mini-horses, adorable resources have become strained. It’s time for me to come out of my burrow and report for duty.
With a passion for excavation, I’ve got the skills to dig deep into your reserves of empathy and mercy when tragic events and disheartening headlines have you fearing for mankind’s future. Have you recently seen a Facebook post in which someone you know turns out to be a raging racist homophobe? My past experience scraping the earth for grubs has honed my claws, making them ideally suited to scratching L-O-V-E gently in the palm of your hand when you need a meditative distraction from all the hate.
My leathery carapace protects me so I can protect you when your emotional stability is at its most vulnerable. I may look like a small piece of high-fashion luggage, but when I’m around, you can set down your baggage and open up. Flip my body over on its shell, and you’ll find that my belly is covered in absorbent fur capable of wicking away up to two ounces of human tears. Stay dry while you cry, I say.
Conveniently, I’m nocturnal, offering you optimal access to snuggles when your savage soul needs soothing in the dark of night. Contrary to rumor, the chances of contracting leprosy from handling an armadillo are minimal — so embrace me as I tuck myself into a ball and wrap my tapered tail around your face. I think you’ll agree that the ravages of the real world recede when you look into my earnest, beady eyes.
I can travel from my native forests and grasslands to meet with humans on an individual or group basis to spread cheer through private home visits or at a corporate group rate. If a full-time position is not currently available, I am open to the possibility of freelance social media work and have an array of of 60-second videos you may view at your convenience. I would also be glad to present my portfolio of photo meme samples, including such options as:
1. Peeking through flowers atop a giant pot
(caption: “Join the daisies, not the crazies”)
2. Wearing sunglasses and a captain’s hat on a schooner
(caption: “Hope floats on open-minded boats”)
3. Sleeping on a cushion with a small stuffed weasel cuddled between my paws
(caption: “Friends are promises God makes in your dreams”)
The fact that you’ve already been willing to consider the hedgehog and the sloth leads me to believe you’re an out-of-the-box thinker who seeks innovative ideas. I am confident that my results-oriented approach will have you and yours smiling in no time, and I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my qualifications as a unique, non-traditional applicant. I’m ready to hit the ground rolling.