How to Be a Ladyperson at the Holidays: 10 Important Tips
Straight from the ad pages of your favorite magazines, here’s your guide to being a girl in December. Take notes.
* * *
1. Stay cozy. Wear a baby.
If you play your cards right, your sensitive, goateed dad/boyfriend/professor will reward you with a pair of socks made out of his extra sweater sleeves.
* * *
2. Flaunt your complexity.
Show off all your many dimensions at once. When planning outfits for your holiday soirées, think: “I’m an heiress and an Italian professor at this upscale tropical funeral.”
* * *
3. Represent feminine softness in a hard masculine world.
All around you are skyscrapers made of bricks and iron and glass and ouchy things. They’re all pointy and hard. But not you. You’re a soft pink flower in a gentle haze of light. Everything around you is blooming, because you breathed springtime into winter. You’re a superfresh candypants sugarblossom.
* * *
4. If you’re truly hot, you won’t get cold.
You’re outside. It’s winter. There’s snow falling around you. But also? You don’t feel cold. Whatever you do, don’t hide your light under a bushel by putting a coat over your party outfit. Just drag it along behind you in the snow and use the oil on your legs to fuel warm thoughts. Tell yourself the sequins on your dress are tiny hot-plates. Imagine fire. Visualize volcanoes.
* * *
5. Sit like this while waiting for the valet at the end of a holiday party.
What? Oh. Yes, that’s my silver Ford Fiesta. Pull it ’round, will you, Jeeves?
* * *
6. If you insist on being serious, you must be 100% serious at all times.
Tired of all that frivolity? Here’s your alternative: If you are serious, you can’t have hair — so slick it back. Also, no makeup. Only a black smock, white handbag. No colors. No jewelry. Earrings are not serious. No smiling. Your expression should imply that you’re as serious as a heart attack. Now look what you’ve done. You’re so serious you’ve given everyone a heart attack. Ready to be jolly again?
* * *
7. Live every moment like a dream sequence.
In Cartier’s “Winter Tale” ad series, kittens who live in the sky (leopards? panthers? I don’t know, I get the wild cats all mixed up) sneak up on gift-wrapped luxury items. It’s cute because the cats are babies, but it’s sad because if they’re in the clouds, I guess they’re dead? So, dead baby cats. But lots of diamonds. The point is, ladies, if you’re a majestic angel-kitten, heavenly trinkets are yours for the stalking. So be a wild, sexy, dead, luxurious cat-baby.
* * *
8. Do a sports thing. That’s funny.
Topless, smirking handbag-boxing ladies with boy haircuts make a statement. Are you making a statement? Be bold. Have short hair and do something sportsy while also wearing your purse as a bra. This shit is crazy, and so are you.
* * *
9. Wear makeup, like a deviant.
You know what those fringy things are at the edges of your eyelids? Eyelashes. You know what it means if you put dark stuff on them? You’re a total perv. Slap some red on your lips too, and it means you’re the Lady Mayor of Kinktown, USA. Go ahead, wear a little foundation, you dirty, filthy, nasty thing, and when you show up to your office party wearing all this… this… cosmetic substance… on your face, we’ll know exactly what memo you’re sending. Tie me up, tie me 5% down like this quarter’s earnings, know what I mean?
* * *
10. Ignore the voice of reason.
Ahh, the warm, snuggly comfort of over-the-knee suede boots and a chunky cashmere turtleneck on a brisk winter day. But no pants. Never pants. This look is as adorable as it is impractical. And you want this impossible dream, don’t you? You do, because a world where you can wear the tall slouchy boots and the big fuzzy sweater and nary a stitch to cover your ass is a world where practicalities mean nothing and there are no limits. When you ignore the rules, you get what you want. Take only desserts from the buffet of life, girl. Leave the vegetables to the losers.
Pants are for suckers. Merry Christmas.
* * *
Welcome back, and happy holidays! If you like books, music, and silly internet things, you might also enjoy my tinyletter, which you can subscribe to here.
I *think* it was Susan Serandon that said her very first paid gig on the TV world was to be in a 1970s commercial where she played a size double-zero 19 year old mother of three.
Remember Molly: “Use the oil on your legs to fuel warm thoughts. Tell yourself the sequins on your dress are tiny hot-plates. Imagine fire. Visualize volcanoes.” How could you forget that? You should really learn to be more lady-like. Especially around the holidays. Now grab those slouchy boots & go out there & give it your all this time! You want this impossible dream don’t you Molly?? #SayYES #PantsAreForPussies #LoLovesit
You haven’t tried that coming out of winter, into spring have you? It’s pretty awesome.
Pants are for suckers! My son has been saying that all along…
So, SO awesome. Thanks for the laughs. I’m going to try to *combine* a number of these looks this week.
I, too, will try to combine some of those looks. And I’m glad I live in the Toronto banana belt, where I could step outside the house pantless. If I were still living in Saskatchewan, where it’s sometimes 40 below, it would not be an option. Thanks for advertising the eclectic look.
I don’t usually like or read “how to be a better female anything” articles,. but I not only read this, I LIKED IT! I’m not a sourpuss, or overly intellectualized to the point of being humorless. This made me laugh out loud; It has just the right blend of off-the-wall funny and in your face snark. I predict we’ll be seeing more from this
Bwahahaha! This reminds me of the time I went to Bergdorf’s with my skinny rich sister and the snooty salesperson approached me. She sniffed and asked if she could “help” me. I pulled a dress of the rack and hollered, “Do you have this in a size 18?” She fainted, because no one in Manhattan wears an 18.
Well, I almost vomited when I saw “marginalized,” because I’m on cold medicine and thought it said, “margarinized,” and I thought, if there’s one thing I’m NOT going to do, it’s allow someone put margarine all over me.
Oh yes. If you look through at any of my numbered lists, they’re almost all numbered wrong. Either I counted them wrong and wrote the wrong number in the headline, or I skipped a number in the list, or…
Numbers are not my forte: 1, 2, 3, 5, Green, 9, Square…
Numbers dance for me. It’s more like, 1, sashay, 3, 4, dip left, 6/9, 7 lords a-leaping, somersault, 6/9, pause, entre-chat, 12…
But I couldn’t put words on that until I saw your comment here and thought, “Wait… that’s close, but..”
This piece may never get old. Brilliant 🙂
[…] this is for you. And for gents and anyone with a sense of humor. I love the new […]
Reblogged this on Day One and commented:
This is how we should dress this ‘season’
I particularly love ;
Show off all your many dimensions at once. When planning outfits for your holiday soirées, think: “I’m an heiress and an Italian professor at this upscale tropical funeral.”
See, I was having a bad day until I came to: “The point is, ladies, if you’re a majestic angel-kitten, heavenly trinkets are yours for the stalking. So be a wild, sexy, dead, luxurious cat-baby.” And now the day is AWESOME.
Better reading than my 1,798 page Fall Fashion mags (Vogue, InStyle, MarieClaire) for the billionth time. I was almost drinking the kool aid, too. Thanks for the splash of cold water on my hopes and dreams. I really need that. L
[…] to know how to be a proper lady during the Holiday Season? I Miss you when I blink has got you covered with 10 lifestyle tips designed to bring out your […]
At least you hatchet wounds cannot blame us men for this. These ads are made by women and targeted towards women. You made your wire push up bra bed, now you can lie in it. Women are women’s worst enemy.
My favorites were the upscale tropical funeral, “Tie me up, tie me 5% down like this quarter’s earnings, know what I mean?,” and “Ahh, the warm, snuggly comfort of over-the-knee suede boots and a chunky cashmere turtleneck on a brisk winter day. But no pants. Never pants,” particularly “Never pants.”
Laughing laughing…I want to be a wild, sexy, dead, luxurious cat-baby. Will be annoying my husband the rest of today with key phrases so that I can laugh more. Going upstairs to get dressed and put on deviant makeup. xo
This is absolutely hilarious. I’m actually wearing my husband/dad/professor’s sweater socks as we speak and feeling toasty and festive. My baby is at the dry cleaner’s, though.
Really solidly hilarious in a world that is increasingly grim. Thanks for that ! Btw the “sans pants” look seems to be in … Probably just that liberal media feeding us some global warming crap again.
Why can’t they really show what real women look like with their kids!? I look like a hot mess. I barely have time to do my hair in the morning let alone looking as good as that woman does!
Thanks so much for this – I now get an extended holiday period whilst I Iambaste away on unemployment because I took your ‘pants are for suckers’ as inspiration to run down the main aisle between the cubicles at work after removing said garments and shouting your statement. 😀
reblogging this!
In my immediate response as a male I would say these exploitations of women give a lie to who women truly are and play into the cultural myths that denigrate women into sex objects and not full human beings. Perhaps that was the intended message?
I love love love the last one! The look has been catching on lately. I have my fair share of fuzzy sweaters & boots but unfortunately none long enough to cover my rump.
All I wanna say is thank you for writing this stuff..it’s funny and totally made my day. Also I am glad somebody pointed out the stupidity in those ads 😀 http://www.boxytown.wordpress.com
All I wanna say is thank you for writing this stuff..it’s funny and totally made my day. Also I am glad somebody pointed out the stupidity in those ads 😀 http://www.boxytown.wordpress.com
You mean you’re only supposed to do these things in December? That explains the strange looks I get when I go to Walmart in my over-the-knee boots and chunky sweater with no pants. I thought I was just over-dressed.
Reblogged this on Life Through Mackenzie's Eyes and commented:
I completely agree with this 100%. OBVIOUSLY this is the ONLY way to be a girl during the holidays.
As a man who does poses from men’s clothing catalogues in all the family photos, I can fully appreciate the wisdom of your words. And “Superfresh, candypants sugarblossom” is my phrase of the week!
Reblogged this on Sassy O'CLASSY and commented:
Thank you for this in depth analysis. Notes have been taken, I am a flower a beautiful flower. A must read to prepare for the holidays!
This made me laugh at loud! Great antidote to all the cheesy ridiculousness of these adverts. I especially like the phrase “I’m an heiress and an Italian professor at this upscale tropical funeral.” And those adverts where models just wear pants to show off shoes and boots, ugh, super daft.
Oops I meant to say ‘just wear tops’, although I’ve also seen ad versions where they are just wearing pants too and no top so I guess both are accurate!
Step one: wait for the holidays. Step two: have a vagina. Step three: if step two fails, proceed to step four. Step four: Be whatever the fuck you feel like being.
Reblogged this on and commented:
PERFECT synopsis of the confusing ads/images girls are bombarded with during the holidays. Had to reblog this! She is spot on 👏
[…] “All around you are skyscrapers made of bricks and iron and glass and ouchy things. They’re all pointy and hard. But not you. You’re a soft pink flower in a gentle haze of light. Everything around you is blooming, because you breathed springtime into winter. You’re a superfresh candypants sugarblossom.” […]
[…] post from I Miss You When I Blink contains tons of helpful tricks and tips for How To Be a Proper Lady Person during the holidays that are guaranteed to save your skin- I personally will be sticking with my old […]
Reblogged this on Redefining "The Good Life" and commented:
This was too funny, I had to repost it. I love shopping for clothes as much as the next girl, but really couldn’t give a crap about what the magazines say is vogue or not. Because. It’s. Ridiculous. And when pointed out… Hilarious!
Superfreshcandypantssugarblossom is going to be the name of my first born. I will carry it around with me to keep me warm and soften the edges of this cruel, masculine world while I wear my boyfriend’s sleeve-socks under m thigh-high boots. I will strap Superfreshcandypantssugarblossom to my ass on the days that the sequins and leg oil don’t quite do the trick. Thank you for giving me the direction I so badly needed in my life.
Reblogged this on The Perks of Being an Artist and commented:
This is funnier than should be legal. Even my food baby is laughing. I am changing its name to Superfreshcandypantssugarblossom.
Reblogged this on Jen Cab and commented:
**two thumbs up** Hooray for these 10 important tips! I love them all. I guess I will try one at a time, one for each day until this crazy Holiday season ends! 🙂
Reblogged this on Fieldnotes and commented:
Good to know I can give up wearing pants. But I’m hanging onto my long john’s because this is Canada and it’s winter!
I think “superfresh candypants sugarblossom” is the best thing I’ve read all week! Of course I’m going to be an angelic baby wildcat this winter. I mean, it’s what’s “in” now, right?
Reblogged this on Love, Tonya and commented:
Are you looking for some holiday fashion ideas? I think number 5 is my favorite. “Sit like this”… #Dead
Thanks for the Christmas cheer, I MIss You When I Blink.
Love,
Tonya ♡
Oh my gosh. I needed a good laugh. My teen aged son is undergoing knee surgery right now. Missing basketball season for the second year in a row. Tough year for us so it feels good to
laugh while I am sitting here in the hospital cafeteria. Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Reblogged this on TheInsideInInsideOut and commented:
I feel as though 4,5,6 and 9 really show the true meaning of the winter holidays for me in terms of being “a lady”
Just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who has read and shared this. Normally, I reply to pretty much every comment on this site, but… well, while I was stuffing my face with cake and candy canes over Christmas break, the comment section here kind of exploded. Please forgive me for not writing back to all comments, but please know I read EVERY single one. (I have to, because I have this site set up such that I manually approve all comments.) I really appreciate it, and many of you are making me laugh out loud. Thanks! -MLP
As part of this year’s blogging101 course, today’s assignment was to read 5 new topics and 5 new blogs. I’m glad I chose this one because it lightened my mood – I even went upstairs to take my panties off and vomit …
I don’t think you need to wear make up all the time though. You should feel completely free in your own skin without putting a mask on your face. Lovely post though!
I believe that being showered and lightly spritzed with perfume makes me a happier person and pleases those with whom I come into contact. Right. Except yesterday at the Q tip matinee at a Boston theatre where one of the gals behind me said to her friend..”I smell wood.”
What about this one? “Run, run, run for your life in those pink suede,5-inch stilettos. On ice. Uphill. Because nothing says “Strong, independent woman like falling on your face, bruising your shins, and getting up again to run another day. Then hail that cab. Don’t worry. Nobody saw a thing.” I’m pretty sure there is an ad (Jimmy Choo?) somewhere that could illustrate this.
Help me to understand. Tip #1 is unclear. Where does a woman-person obtain spare fashion babies? Is there a special boutique?A lease program? Certainly we’re not expected to wear the same infant all season? That would be tacky …
I can’t wait to come downstairs on Christmas morning in my boots and sweater and tell my three boys that pants are for pussies. They will absolutely loose it. Apparently, first I need to loose about 90lbs, be white, and grow another 5-6 inches in height.
Well I could do the no pants thing driving through the school line….as long as none of the teachers peeked in or my car didn’t break down, I’d be fine…
[…] Be a Ladyperson: My friend Gabi sent me this link and it made me crack up. Straight from the ad pages of your favorite high-end magazines, this guide teaches you how to be a “ladyperson” at the holidays. Get ready to laugh. […]
Oh woe and twice woe, This has made me realise I am a loser. Brussels sprouts, for lunch, parsnips for breakfast, and the occasional cucumber late of an evening.
“When you ignore the rules, you get what you want. Take only desserts from the buffet of life, girl. Leave the vegetables to the losers”
Awesome advice. I’ll use it all, even though I’m 54. You forgot one: Be younger than 17 and weigh 78 lbs.
Oh yes: Be a teenager. Or, if you’re over 25, wear an apron and serve cookies.
I’ll gladly eat those cookies for you. Got any chocolate chip?
without pants.
Very disturbing what they are advising young girls!
WORD.
78 is severe malnutrition 😮
I know, right? Did you see #5?
She’s got sick calf muscles, so 79.
LOL
…and the problem is?
Be white. Or a leopard in a cloud.
Bah ha ha ha ha ha!! Lol!! I thought the same thing! Lmao!
LV boxing lady, does she have upper arms for thighs?
Cos blimey, it looks like she has been on the famine diet!!
Amen, sister.
I think they are all photoshopped. Don’t look real.
Still epic, after all these years. [/singalong]
I *think* it was Susan Serandon that said her very first paid gig on the TV world was to be in a 1970s commercial where she played a size double-zero 19 year old mother of three.
Snort. I needed this. Thank you so very much.
I’m not going to wear pants today. I’m inspired. It’s 40 degrees out, but I can do this.
-m
I believe in you, Molly.
Its cold. Without them pants.
Remember Molly: “Use the oil on your legs to fuel warm thoughts. Tell yourself the sequins on your dress are tiny hot-plates. Imagine fire. Visualize volcanoes.” How could you forget that? You should really learn to be more lady-like. Especially around the holidays. Now grab those slouchy boots & go out there & give it your all this time! You want this impossible dream don’t you Molly?? #SayYES #PantsAreForPussies #LoLovesit
You haven’t tried that coming out of winter, into spring have you? It’s pretty awesome.
Reblogged this on lostinathunderstorm.
Chest is still the new crotch, right?
YES. Until further notice, chest remains the new crotch. I’m thinking maybe in spring 2015 we may see a return to crotch being the new old crotch. (https://imissyouwheniblink.com/?s=chest+is+the+new+crotch)
Yes it will be known as “retro” crotch.
This has to be my favorite post in a very – VERY long time! Thank you.
Thanks! I think?
This made me snort laugh. On a Monday morning. Well done!
Thank you!
Pants are for suckers! My son has been saying that all along…
So, SO awesome. Thanks for the laughs. I’m going to try to *combine* a number of these looks this week.
I very much look forward to hearing how that goes. : )
I, too, will try to combine some of those looks. And I’m glad I live in the Toronto banana belt, where I could step outside the house pantless. If I were still living in Saskatchewan, where it’s sometimes 40 below, it would not be an option. Thanks for advertising the eclectic look.
FUCKEN HILARIOUS!!!!!
thanks!
I don’t usually like or read “how to be a better female anything” articles,. but I not only read this, I LIKED IT! I’m not a sourpuss, or overly intellectualized to the point of being humorless. This made me laugh out loud; It has just the right blend of off-the-wall funny and in your face snark. I predict we’ll be seeing more from this
Reblogged this on Big Blue Dot Y'all and commented:
Heeee-larious
Thanks!
This was brilliant.
Reblogged this on Letters From A Spectrum mom and commented:
superfresh candypants sugarblossom
This is me. I am superfresh candypants sugarblossom.
#NailedIt
I believe you if you say you are.
Me too!! What a coincidence!
I just told my sister that scs is my new name. I now respond to nothing else.
I’m going to wear that deviant make up to the next quarter’s earnings call. Maybe we can beat 5% down.
YES
Can you do a men’s version too? 😛
I’ve done a few men’s items in past ones… but never a whole dude-focused one. Maybe that’s next. Thanks!
Cool! I can’t wait! 🙂
Bwahahaha! This reminds me of the time I went to Bergdorf’s with my skinny rich sister and the snooty salesperson approached me. She sniffed and asked if she could “help” me. I pulled a dress of the rack and hollered, “Do you have this in a size 18?” She fainted, because no one in Manhattan wears an 18.
Ha. I hope you took that tiny dress and wrapped it around your head like a turban and said, “I’LL TAKE THREE!”
[…] https://imissyouwheniblink.com/2014/12/08/how-to-be-a-ladyperson-at-the-holidays-9-important-tips/ […]
genius! Thank you!
Thank YOU.
I may vomit now.
Here’s a radical thought….
How about we stop being objects. Women allow themselves to be marginalized and objectified and then complain when we’re not taken seriously?
Well, I almost vomited when I saw “marginalized,” because I’m on cold medicine and thought it said, “margarinized,” and I thought, if there’s one thing I’m NOT going to do, it’s allow someone put margarine all over me.
So, even steven?
Hope you feel better.
Lol!! Oh, what a terrible thought…. to be margarinized! *shudders*
Seriously though… I loved your post!
This made be bounce in my chair and laughed, as I wiped my tears.
I may vomit!
Oh, no! Still? I hope the vomiting stops soon!
Brilliant. Almost as funny as the 10(ish) Important Tips.
Oops! Two comments? I think WP was a little tweaky. Hahaha!
Nope… all done vomiting. Lol!!
Yay!
So, you originally had 9 tips, HMMMM?
Awesome though. Upscale tropical funeral ftw.
Oh yes. If you look through at any of my numbered lists, they’re almost all numbered wrong. Either I counted them wrong and wrote the wrong number in the headline, or I skipped a number in the list, or…
Numbers are not my forte: 1, 2, 3, 5, Green, 9, Square…
Numbers dance for me. It’s more like, 1, sashay, 3, 4, dip left, 6/9, 7 lords a-leaping, somersault, 6/9, pause, entre-chat, 12…
But I couldn’t put words on that until I saw your comment here and thought, “Wait… that’s close, but..”
This piece may never get old. Brilliant 🙂
[…] this is for you. And for gents and anyone with a sense of humor. I love the new […]
‘Tell yourself the sequins on your dress are tiny hot-plates. Imagine fire. Visualize volcanoes.’ Plus dead baby cats! Thank you!
(p.s.: I can’t do numbers either)
Haha, thank you for making me laugh. Sadly this is how women are perceived in society. Great post
Reblogged this on Day One and commented:
This is how we should dress this ‘season’
I particularly love ;
Show off all your many dimensions at once. When planning outfits for your holiday soirées, think: “I’m an heiress and an Italian professor at this upscale tropical funeral.”
And “Pants are for suckers! Merry Christmas”
My sequins are hot plates…. My sequins are hot plates… My sequins are hot plates…..
Reblogged this on irish says… and commented:
All of these.
Hey… when I retweeted the article, the tweet box gave WordPress the “via @” vs When I Blink.
Hmm. Weird. I will never understand the gremlins who live in the tiny box inside computers.
Reblogged this on Another Fine Site.
[…] How to Be a Ladyperson at the Holidays: 10 Important Tips […]
Love this! Can’t wait to put all of these extremely useful and smart tips to use 😉
Reblogged this on laurenceeldredge and commented:
Incisive–and funny too.
See, I was having a bad day until I came to: “The point is, ladies, if you’re a majestic angel-kitten, heavenly trinkets are yours for the stalking. So be a wild, sexy, dead, luxurious cat-baby.” And now the day is AWESOME.
Elaine Stritch said “Pants are an overrated accessory.”
Reblogged this on Quartz Quest.
Better reading than my 1,798 page Fall Fashion mags (Vogue, InStyle, MarieClaire) for the billionth time. I was almost drinking the kool aid, too. Thanks for the splash of cold water on my hopes and dreams. I really need that. L
[…] How to be a lady during the holidays. Pants optional. […]
[…] to know how to be a proper lady during the Holiday Season? I Miss you when I blink has got you covered with 10 lifestyle tips designed to bring out your […]
[…] How to Be a Ladyperson at the Holidays: 10 Important Tips […]
Hi love. This is hilarious. Thought you’d get a laugh.
Xo your ll
Those are probably clouded leopards! Hahahaha, I’ll see myself out.
I love this and you for making it, even though I do not knowing you. You are a genius (do you look like one?)
At least you hatchet wounds cannot blame us men for this. These ads are made by women and targeted towards women. You made your wire push up bra bed, now you can lie in it. Women are women’s worst enemy.
Merry Christmas!
Oh gawwwwd, I wanna be “superfresh candypants sugarblossom!”
aha! i love this! totally laughed out loud while reading this post
xx
Reblogged this on Thoughts Of A Phoenix and commented:
Pants are for suckers. Merry Christmas.
Reblogged this on Snobly and commented:
And this is why these ladies are better than you.
I love this and you for making it (though I do not know you)! You are a genius, but do you know how to dress like one?
Reblogged this on todayscompusivewriting.
My favorites were the upscale tropical funeral, “Tie me up, tie me 5% down like this quarter’s earnings, know what I mean?,” and “Ahh, the warm, snuggly comfort of over-the-knee suede boots and a chunky cashmere turtleneck on a brisk winter day. But no pants. Never pants,” particularly “Never pants.”
baha!! pants are for suckers! and wearing a baby to stay warm is always the answer
[…] How to Be a Ladyperson at the Holidays: 10 Important Tips. […]
Thank you
Fantastic Blog
Good luck
………………………….
http://www.whatsapp-dp.com
<:.:<:.:<:.<:.<:.
Laughing laughing…I want to be a wild, sexy, dead, luxurious cat-baby. Will be annoying my husband the rest of today with key phrases so that I can laugh more. Going upstairs to get dressed and put on deviant makeup. xo
Fabulous in every conceivable way.
THE BEST EVER!!!
This is absolutely hilarious. I’m actually wearing my husband/dad/professor’s sweater socks as we speak and feeling toasty and festive. My baby is at the dry cleaner’s, though.
You are hilarious! My first blog follow!
A wise, anonymous, internet being once said “Home is where the pants aren’t.” This post made my day. Thanks for the laughs & Merry Christmas!
Dead exotic animals and lots of diamonds. Well, if that ain’t a metaphor for the One Percent, I don’t know what is.
I will def take some of these tips ! Thank you !!
I loved this post and I can’t stop laughing! Lucky dead cat babies.
Hahaha love this! Made my morning! So good!
Tie me 5% down like this quarter’s earnings…HAHAHA you are hilarious!! Loved this. Def reblogging this
I keep reading the little captions you wrote , and thinking “This one is my fav, no wait..this one is” until I got to the last one. They’re hilarious!
Very funny and creative! I especially enjoyed the captions, you should make a male version as well.
This is hilarious!
Really solidly hilarious in a world that is increasingly grim. Thanks for that ! Btw the “sans pants” look seems to be in … Probably just that liberal media feeding us some global warming crap again.
Nice
Very good
These had me rolling. Thanks for the great post.
Why can’t they really show what real women look like with their kids!? I look like a hot mess. I barely have time to do my hair in the morning let alone looking as good as that woman does!
Thank you so much. I needed this. And have broken my serious face to grin like crazy (and snort).
Oh, you’re not kidding. That is QUITE a serious-face. Very nice. (Thank you!)
Must be time to replace the photo…:D
Ahahahahha! I needed to laugh!
YES!!!!!!!!!!! amazing way to start my day! 😀
Cracked me up with this!! Love it
Bahhh Humbug! I am wearing pants! Lol
Oh my this is good stuff….I love it! Laughed all the way thru.
Aka: be fabuous!
I cant decide which one is my favorite. Love them all.
Love it! I may be a pantless lady person and not even know it. Its a good day when pants are actually on.
Indeed! This chit always drives me bonkers. Don’t these women ever get cold?
Well – and hilariously! – done! Loved it.
Thanks so much for this – I now get an extended holiday period whilst I Iambaste away on unemployment because I took your ‘pants are for suckers’ as inspiration to run down the main aisle between the cubicles at work after removing said garments and shouting your statement. 😀
reblogging this!
Its all powerful technique to help get you really hot
On Wednesdays we wear babies.
COMMENT WINNER OF ALL TIME
In my immediate response as a male I would say these exploitations of women give a lie to who women truly are and play into the cultural myths that denigrate women into sex objects and not full human beings. Perhaps that was the intended message?
Grandfather
This is fantastic. I literally laughed out loud and didnt want it to end. Great!
I love love love the last one! The look has been catching on lately. I have my fair share of fuzzy sweaters & boots but unfortunately none long enough to cover my rump.
Reblogged this on minjhearme's Blog.
Reblogged this on and commented:
Clever. And humorous!
I can’t stop laughing! Hilarious! You’re brilliant.
Reblogged this on laru004's Blog.
Reblogged this on Fanfiction World and commented:
Now that must be not in Indonesia.
Hm.
A shameless advertisement for materialism
Bahahahha– Hilarious! 😀
All I wanna say is thank you for writing this stuff..it’s funny and totally made my day. Also I am glad somebody pointed out the stupidity in those ads 😀
http://www.boxytown.wordpress.com
All I wanna say is thank you for writing this stuff..it’s funny and totally made my day. Also I am glad somebody pointed out the stupidity in those ads 😀
http://www.boxytown.wordpress.com
You mean you’re only supposed to do these things in December? That explains the strange looks I get when I go to Walmart in my over-the-knee boots and chunky sweater with no pants. I thought I was just over-dressed.
Thank you for informing me. 😛
Reblogged this on Life Through Mackenzie's Eyes and commented:
I completely agree with this 100%. OBVIOUSLY this is the ONLY way to be a girl during the holidays.
Haha Brilliant!
As a man who does poses from men’s clothing catalogues in all the family photos, I can fully appreciate the wisdom of your words. And “Superfresh, candypants sugarblossom” is my phrase of the week!
Reblogged this on Sassy O'CLASSY and commented:
Thank you for this in depth analysis. Notes have been taken, I am a flower a beautiful flower. A must read to prepare for the holidays!
– Sassy O’Classy
Very funny! You may enjoy my musing on real woman.
https://epicgran.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/lets-reel-in-the-real-women/
hi
Reblogged this on ModaLasaTek.
Awesome! Hahaha 😀
Reblogged this on nikkicoss87 and commented:
Love the glasses and the simplest way to get this look
Reblogged this on Brain Noodles.
This made me laugh at loud! Great antidote to all the cheesy ridiculousness of these adverts. I especially like the phrase “I’m an heiress and an Italian professor at this upscale tropical funeral.” And those adverts where models just wear pants to show off shoes and boots, ugh, super daft.
Oops I meant to say ‘just wear tops’, although I’ve also seen ad versions where they are just wearing pants too and no top so I guess both are accurate!
This is wonderful, I say as I take off my pants and pull on my boots for the upscale tropical funeral. Now to find a baby to wear!
[…] Katso vinkkejä inspiroineet mainoskuvat täältä. […]
[…] Katso vinkkejä inspiroineet mainoskuvat täältä. […]
I think you meant–
Step one: wait for the holidays. Step two: have a vagina. Step three: if step two fails, proceed to step four. Step four: Be whatever the fuck you feel like being.
Perfectly droll, thank you!
That was fab! I wonder how many hours were spent thinking up all these lady options for the festive season!?
[…] I love blogs that give women from magazine ads a voice. This one made me laugh! […]
Reblogged this on and commented:
PERFECT synopsis of the confusing ads/images girls are bombarded with during the holidays. Had to reblog this! She is spot on 👏
Reblogged this on Live & Let Live.
Reblogged this on Tobin Peace.
Reblogged this on fxdivamakeup.
hilarious! fashion ads are often don’t make sense in real life. looking great by setting aside logic.
Reblogged this on M_Elayne and commented:
Pants are for losers. Love this.
[…] “All around you are skyscrapers made of bricks and iron and glass and ouchy things. They’re all pointy and hard. But not you. You’re a soft pink flower in a gentle haze of light. Everything around you is blooming, because you breathed springtime into winter. You’re a superfresh candypants sugarblossom.” […]
Reblogged this on I read vogue and drink tea .
I love this Post!! Definitely great humor!
Reblogged this on reclaimed & repurposed and commented:
Ah yes, you know we’re all thinking it. Hilarious!
Reblogged this on Helen Goltz and commented:
So love this. And here I was thinking I had being a lady conqueried.
Reblogged this on Howzit? and commented:
Love it!
H I L A R I O U S
Reblogged this on Beas roterom.
[…] post from I Miss You When I Blink contains tons of helpful tricks and tips for How To Be a Proper Lady Person during the holidays that are guaranteed to save your skin- I personally will be sticking with my old […]
HAHAHA! Its a witty take on everything I guess…Loved it! You’re amazing! 😛
Reblogged this on Artdramaeco's Blog.
[…] something I found online, which, if it weren’t compiled into a list, I would not have never considered it something […]
Reblogged this on Redefining "The Good Life" and commented:
This was too funny, I had to repost it. I love shopping for clothes as much as the next girl, but really couldn’t give a crap about what the magazines say is vogue or not. Because. It’s. Ridiculous. And when pointed out… Hilarious!
Ill try being serious tomorrow
Reblogged this on Cappuccino.
Reblogged this on Mellissify.
Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
OMG hysterical!
Reblogged this on omgitsjasmin.
Love the deeeeep thoughts!
Reblogged this on Robin's Nest.
Reblogged this on WALK OF SHAMES.
Reblogged this on aleeyatanofficial and commented:
🌸🌼🌻🌺🌹
Reblogged this on fabbychy's Blog.
Superfreshcandypantssugarblossom is going to be the name of my first born. I will carry it around with me to keep me warm and soften the edges of this cruel, masculine world while I wear my boyfriend’s sleeve-socks under m thigh-high boots. I will strap Superfreshcandypantssugarblossom to my ass on the days that the sequins and leg oil don’t quite do the trick. Thank you for giving me the direction I so badly needed in my life.
Reblogged this on The Perks of Being an Artist and commented:
This is funnier than should be legal. Even my food baby is laughing. I am changing its name to Superfreshcandypantssugarblossom.
Had me laughing out loud 🙂
Reblogged this on Burnertunez.com.
Bellisimas las fotos. Los felicito.
Hilarious, I loved this!
Reblogged this on Hello..
I needed a good laugh, so thank you!
Reblogged this on Tech Gossip with Ahmad.
I love this so much.
I’m going to be the best ladyperson this holiday thanks to your advice! Thank you very much 😀 love the article, realy made me laugh!
Reblogged this on delfiannatens.
Reblogged this on Virtual Diary: a compilation of thoughts, ramblings, and randomness and commented:
Love it! Will definitely take these tips into account during the holidays!
Reblogged this on Jen Cab and commented:
**two thumbs up** Hooray for these 10 important tips! I love them all. I guess I will try one at a time, one for each day until this crazy Holiday season ends! 🙂
Pants are for suckers… Hahahahaha!!!! Amazing post!!! Well done!!!
Awesome!
Fantastic
Reblogged this on Mrz_SunDragon.
Reblogged this on Fieldnotes and commented:
Good to know I can give up wearing pants. But I’m hanging onto my long john’s because this is Canada and it’s winter!
Reblogged this on Another Situation.
Upscale tropical funeral…hahaha.
Very Funny!!!
[…] From I Miss You When I Blink: Your Monday funny with how to be a ladyperson at the holidays – 10 important tips. […]
I think “superfresh candypants sugarblossom” is the best thing I’ve read all week! Of course I’m going to be an angelic baby wildcat this winter. I mean, it’s what’s “in” now, right?
[…] https://imissyouwheniblink.com/2014/12/08/how-to-be-a-ladyperson-at-the-holidays-9-important-tips/ […]
Reblogged this on Love, Tonya and commented:
Are you looking for some holiday fashion ideas? I think number 5 is my favorite. “Sit like this”… #Dead
Thanks for the Christmas cheer, I MIss You When I Blink.
Love,
Tonya ♡
Oh my gosh. I needed a good laugh. My teen aged son is undergoing knee surgery right now. Missing basketball season for the second year in a row. Tough year for us so it feels good to
laugh while I am sitting here in the hospital cafeteria. Thank you and Merry Christmas!
You are one entertaining individual!
Reblogged this on Go Out Searching and commented:
Thank god for this advice, it turns out I wasn’t prepared at all.
Hilariousity. Love.
I like #10 – very entertaining! 🙂
Reblogged this on TheInsideInInsideOut and commented:
I feel as though 4,5,6 and 9 really show the true meaning of the winter holidays for me in terms of being “a lady”
Reblogged this on TALL STORIES AND SHORT TALES and commented:
Important points for this Christmas.
[…] https://imissyouwheniblink.com/2014/12/08/how-to-be-a-ladyperson-at-the-holidays-9-important-tips/ […]
Reblogged this on morrischrome.
Reblogged this on thelittletennesseehoney's Blog.
Reblogged this on mrrobin86's Blog.
Reblogged this on INFODYNAMICS.
[…] I Miss You When I Blink Just great! How to be a ladyperson… […]
Reblogged this on The Readneck Review Blog and commented:
This really nails the illogic of advertisements.
This is so hilarious. I will take your advise. Nice post
Laughing probably a little too hard for it being 1:27 am and totally okay with it. Thank you for wonderful sarcasm
Reblogged this on maryannokonkwo's Blog.
Reblogged this on maria hsin and commented:
Hilarious. Funniest thing I’ve read today. Maybe all week.
Hahaha! Didnt realise what i was reading until the fourth tip! #wink
Reblogged this on SHARP VOICES.
This is so hilarious! These ads are insane. It’s funny how even in almost 2015 women are viewed in such narrow ways.
This is hilarious! It’s so insane to me that when it’s almost 2015, women are expected to be a specific way.
Reblogged this on thatgirl152.
Reblogged this on mjafferson.
Reblogged this on Pintowski's Blog.
majorly cheered up my post-Christmas blues! Thanks 🙂
Wow amazing!! Loved it!
Reblogged this on Lifeofnatachi.
Love the advice happy holidays.
Reblogged this on Bipolar Daisy.
*visualizes hot-plate sequins* I’m wearing my sequined scarf today, to practice my hotplate visualizing.
You are more than welcome on my blog: http://tyrannyindiapers.wordpress.com
Wearing luggage as clothing is entertaining. Wearing babies to keep warm is precious. Great Read….
This is hysterical!
That’s sexy
Reblogged this on Champaanya.
This had me DYING laughing.
Reblogged this on tunjisticks1's Blog and commented:
the holiday is over guys…lol
Best post to tead while trying to face the day.
I love it as a daily manar@sureboy officials….
Oh wow! I think i just felt my boobs grow half a cup size in sheer lady-ness alone from reading this!
lol agreed
Reblogged this on meakaangie.
Reblogged this on abbienewell.
I love the pictures
whatever.. YOU DO…. don’t hide your light under a bushel by putting a coat over your “Real”< party outfit… lmao #fuckingLOvetHis
Reblogged this on StampedLoLa.
i would call it creativity at its best!! nice work
http://www.mysketchartist.wordpress.com
This made me laugh, excellent post! 🙂 🙂
Brilliant. I’m planning on visualising volcanoes as I defrost my car in my bikini.
Rofl at the post and some of the comments here!
Reblogged this on vuvanphong286's Blog.
Reblogged this on funzito's Blog and commented:
Lol…so true though.
Thanks for the tips! I have a tropical funeral next week & had no idea what to wear. Handbag gloves & no pants clearly.
Hillarious! So glad i read this! In stitches xxx
This has to be the funniest shit I read all day. XD
Reblogged this on Abigail 's Blog and commented:
Cleverest-funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Definitely following her. Or him.
Pants ARE for suckers! Why should my glutes be as warm as my sweater-covered top on a cold December day? Lol I love this article
Just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who has read and shared this. Normally, I reply to pretty much every comment on this site, but… well, while I was stuffing my face with cake and candy canes over Christmas break, the comment section here kind of exploded. Please forgive me for not writing back to all comments, but please know I read EVERY single one. (I have to, because I have this site set up such that I manually approve all comments.) I really appreciate it, and many of you are making me laugh out loud. Thanks! -MLP
Reblogged this on Carley D'Nae.
She is sooooooo pretty
As part of this year’s blogging101 course, today’s assignment was to read 5 new topics and 5 new blogs. I’m glad I chose this one because it lightened my mood – I even went upstairs to take my panties off and vomit …
Reblogged this on re-live your dreams ..
definitely the knee high boots without pants. what a fashion statement
Love this!
[…] this post made me wish I was clever and funny. Hilarious. Then I explored the archives and found this, […]
So so good! Love it.
Awesome
que bella 0.0 leus*.*
Reblogged this on Pathological Handwaving.
I don’t think you need to wear make up all the time though. You should feel completely free in your own skin without putting a mask on your face. Lovely post though!
I’m so sad I missed this. . .needed a laugh during this past holiday season. . .*sigh* Better late than never!
Reblogged this on Wonderlustering.
[…] For more words of wisdom, go here. […]
I believe that being showered and lightly spritzed with perfume makes me a happier person and pleases those with whom I come into contact. Right. Except yesterday at the Q tip matinee at a Boston theatre where one of the gals behind me said to her friend..”I smell wood.”
I have never read anything so completely bitchy in my life.
This may be the most magnificent comment that has ever been left on this site. Thank you. And merry Christmas.
What about this one? “Run, run, run for your life in those pink suede,5-inch stilettos. On ice. Uphill. Because nothing says “Strong, independent woman like falling on your face, bruising your shins, and getting up again to run another day. Then hail that cab. Don’t worry. Nobody saw a thing.” I’m pretty sure there is an ad (Jimmy Choo?) somewhere that could illustrate this.
Who wrote this? And where can I find more from them?
I wrote it. You can find more all over this site, actually. Thanks!
Reblogged this on No Mine! Studios and commented:
Brilliant advice. #art #fashion #advertising
Help me to understand. Tip #1 is unclear. Where does a woman-person obtain spare fashion babies? Is there a special boutique?A lease program? Certainly we’re not expected to wear the same infant all season? That would be tacky …
I bet DJ Khaled would look better than these blokes, another one…
Am I the only one who has started revisiting this annually? Hilarious. So much love.
Reblogged this on schlaflosinwien.
I reblogged this on cootersunited.wordpress.com
I can’t wait to come downstairs on Christmas morning in my boots and sweater and tell my three boys that pants are for pussies. They will absolutely loose it. Apparently, first I need to loose about 90lbs, be white, and grow another 5-6 inches in height.
I guess it would also help if I gave a crap?
Reblogged this on Veronica The Pajama Thief and commented:
I’m a superfresh candypants sugarblossom.
Well I could do the no pants thing driving through the school line….as long as none of the teachers peeked in or my car didn’t break down, I’d be fine…
Reblogged this on The Eclectic Poet and commented:
Still plenty of time to get it right Ladies!
[…] Be a Ladyperson: My friend Gabi sent me this link and it made me crack up. Straight from the ad pages of your favorite high-end magazines, this guide teaches you how to be a “ladyperson” at the holidays. Get ready to laugh. […]
Reblogged this on Versor.
Reblogged this on Not Your Average Roving Reporter: and commented:
Just when I think I should delete my WordPress account…
Now I must follow this writer!
[…] How to Be a Ladyperson at the Holidays: 10 Important Tips […]
[…] Made me laugh […]
Oh woe and twice woe, This has made me realise I am a loser. Brussels sprouts, for lunch, parsnips for breakfast, and the occasional cucumber late of an evening.
“When you ignore the rules, you get what you want. Take only desserts from the buffet of life, girl. Leave the vegetables to the losers”
Not a banana in sight.
Woe……………….. woe……………………. woe