This Is Madness

I like basketball fine, but I’m not, like, freaking out about it. 


Most people I know, however, are completely consumed with their brackets right now. What that means is that for a few weeks, there’s this little pocket of time in which I can pass undetected through the world, doing pretty much anything and getting away with it. Don’t believe me? Try doing any of these things at your house or in your favorite sports bar between now and the first week of April and see if anyone even looks away from the game to notice:

  • Light your arm hairs on fire one at a time with teeny tiny matches.
  • Dress your dogs up like midget wizards and send them running through the room riding little brooms.
  • Fill your cheeks with tiny origami birds and blow them out of your mouth at 10-second intervals.
  • Surf down the banister on roller skates waving a British flag in each hand.
  • alright alright alrightPerform Matthew McConaughey’s Oscar speech on helium.
  • Leave, rob a bank, come back, pile all the cash up on the floor, spray it with spray-glue, lie on it and roll around, get up with the bills stuck all over you, and march into the room eating a bag of nacho cheese popcorn like a money monster.
  • Load a water gun with chocolate syrup and use it to write the complete poems of Emily Dickinson all over the ceiling.
  • Hot-glue tiny suction cups to your fingertips and knees and climb up the windows of the TV-watching room from the outside.
  • Moonwalk across your coffee table / the bar wearing only a single silver glove.
  • Sit down on the sofa / a bar stool while the game is on and then commence waxing all the hair off your body using jumbo bandaids.
  • Play “potato baseball” by throwing hot tater tots at the blades of the ceiling fan while it’s on.

tots (Note: Not an exhaustive list)

See? As long as you don’t stand in front the TV, you can do anything.

So if you, too, find yourself lacking proper concentration on March Madness, come on over and let’s have some fun. You bring the tater tots.


  1. One year, I invited friends to a party in March, and called it a March Madness party, because of “mad as a March hare,” Lewis Carroll’s mad tea party, and the kind of references I usually understand. Little did I know that some of my friends were *very* surprised and thought I was inviting them to a basketball watch party! I had to explain. But maybe we could have written poems on the ceiling with chocolate sauce!

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