First Look: The Life Lessons of Spring 2014

You know how this goes. The new season’s magazines land in the mailbox, and lo, we are blessed with important and enlightening images. Let’s jump right into what the latest fashion ads have to teach us about living, shall we? Take note.

* * *

1. Be Unpredictable

For the last 100 years, Chanel has been the standard of classic chic. Little quilted leather bags on chains, tastefully boxy tweed jackets, elegant Hepburn-esque sheaths. Well, you can’t stay the same forever. That’s boring. Chanel has decided to mix things up this season, and we all should, too.

Look, I’m not 18 anymore. I realize I may just be too old to understand what’s happening. Is this kind of a “concept” thing? Like, “Homelessness is a rainbow is too many bags is Pebbles Flintstone” – like that? I don’t know.
Look, I’m not 18 anymore. I realize I may just be too old to understand what’s happening. Is this kind of a “concept” thing? Like, “Homelessness is a rainbow is too many bags is Pebbles Flintstone” – like that? I don’t know.

* * *

2. Embrace Your Face

Designers are reaching out to women with a message of inclusion and acceptance by putting faces on everything. Eyeballs on shoes, foreheads on dresses, lips on skirts. The meaning of it is this: Don’t be insecure about your face. Your face is beautiful. Your face is so great that you should replicate the image of your face and wear it multiple times on your body. Get up in everyone’s face with your face. And when that happens, we’ll finally understand each other and attain world peace.

The fun part is that when you open your closet – BAH! – there’s a big face staring at you.
The fun part is that when you open your closet – BAH! – there’s a big face staring at you.

* * *

3. History Repeats Itself – Might as Well Accept It

I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to come right out: Crop tops are happening. Again. It’s a new thing, but an old thing at the same time. You know how you pat yourself on the back sometimes for putting old habits behind you? Yeah, stop patting. The fact is, what happened before will happen again. Your stupid past is about to be your stupid future. It’s just a matter of time.

Crop tops. You can’t stop them from happening. You can only close your eyes and pretend you don't see them.
Crop tops. You can’t stop them from happening. You can only close your eyes and pretend you don’t see them.
Actually, I would wear this Dior situation here. The only skin exposed is up a little higher than the midriff. What’s that body part called? The solar plexus? I don’t mean to brag, but I actually have a super-sexy solar plexus. Some people call it the “solar sexus,” because it’s that hot. (No, they don’t.) Anyway. Sign me up for this outfit. I like it. Ladylike, but kinda bitchin’.
Actually, I would totally wear this Dior situation here. The only skin exposed is up a little higher than the midriff. What’s that body part called? The solar plexus? I don’t mean to brag, but I have a super-sexy solar plexus. Some people call it the “solar sexus,” because it’s so sexy. (No, they don’t.) Anyway. Sign me up for this outfit. I like it. Ladylike, but kinda bitchin’.
Damn, I would wear these too. Somebody put these on my birthday list.
Damn, I would wear these too. Somebody put these on my birthday list.

* * *

4. Trying New Things Won’t Kill You

This is probably the biggest change of the season. As we’ve discussed multiple times before, the reigning show-off-the-handbag position has been front and center and low, right over the ladygoods, for several seasons now. Well, guess what? No more. Look at all these gals, breaking out of the old routine. Freeeeeedom. Here, let’s trace the evolution of this crotch emancipation:

Here you can see she’s starting to pull away from the groin area a bit, signaling the dawn of a new era.
Here you can see she’s starting to pull away from the groin area a bit, signaling the dawn of a new era.
This is the traditional lounge-on-a-chaise posture, but instead of the usual bag-on-the-vag placement, the gesture is more relaxed. See how the bags are starting to drift afield a bit more?
This is the traditional lounge-on-a-chaise posture, but instead of the usual bag-on-the-vag placement, the gesture is more relaxed. See how the bags are starting to drift afield a bit more?
Check out the raven here. She’s got her rainbow-snake bag at her KNEE. Shit just got real.
Check out the raven here. She’s got her rainbow-snake bag at her KNEE. Shit just got realer than real.
Whoa. You can even place your purse up near your chest like a shield, right before you go fight some baddies at Thunderdome. I’m thinking chest might be the new crotch, people.
You can even place your purse up near your breastbone like a shield, right before you go fight some baddies at Thunderdome. I’m thinking chest might be the new crotch, people.
Lupita’s like, “Remember that time I magically transformed everything at the Oscars into fairy dust and light and sunshine and cookies with my mystical loveliness and grace? That was fun. Now watch: I can put my purse all the way UP HERE.” And she can. Because she’s Lupita.
Lupita’s like, “Remember that time I magically transformed everything at the Oscars into fairy dust and light and sunshine and cookies with my mystical loveliness and grace? That was fun. Now watch: I can put my purse all the way UP HERE.” And she can. Because she’s Lupita.
Check out my spirit animal, Nicole Kidman. See? I’m telling you, chest is the new crotch.
Check out my spirit animal, Nicole Kidman. See? I’m telling you, chest is the new crotch.

* * *

5. Take Your Cues From Nature

Here’s what hot right now: plants. Leaves, petals, thorns, bark, stems, etc. All over the place. As colorful and as textural as you please. What does it all mean? It means be yourself. Life is a garden. Thrive where you’re planted. Reach, like a sproutling, for the sky. Blossom into your true self. From the tiny acorn grows the mighty oak. Don’t be like poison ivy and transmit a substance that makes others itch. Plants: They’re a metaphor.

As you can see, these are edgier florals, not old-timey flower patterns. Because flowers have been around forever, but old things are gross and let’s all go shopping.
As you can see, these are edgier blooms, not old-timey floral patterns. Because flowers have been around forever, but old things are gross and let’s all go shopping.
Take it as far as you want.
Take it as far as you want.
OK, don’t take it too far.
OK, don’t take it too far.

* * *

6. Life Would Be Easier If You Were a Fanning Sister

No deep symbolism here. Just pointing out that if you were Dakota or Elle, you’d be rolling in it right now.

Rolling. In. It.
Rolling. In. It.

* * *

7. Expect the Unexpected

You think you know how life is going to go, but you can’t predict the actions of other people. That’s the thing. You might think you’re just going to go into the ladies room and relax and touch up your lip gloss in peace, but no. There’s some strung out girl you knew from high school sitting in front of the damn mirror. You couldn’t have seen that coming. But now you have to react. And that’s what life does. It surprises you. Sometimes the surprise is good. Sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes it’s someone’s butt in the sink.

That awkward moment when you’re like, “Hey, Missy, I need to wash my hands. Could you move your ass? Missy? Um. Sooo…Are you OK?” Good times.
That awkward moment when you’re like, “Hey, Missy, I need to wash my hands. Could you move your ass? Missy? Um. Sooo…Are you OK?” Good times.

Know someone who deserves to have a great spring? It’s as simple as following these examples. Pass it on.

22 comments

  1. Oh gawd. If I had a quarter for every time I was trying to wash my hands and some girl was splayed all over the inexplicably filled sinks airing out her crotch in a peek-a-boo stealth crop top stamped with an important Parental Advisory so the kids in the bathroom knew to make a run for the door before she snapped out of her heroin coma and lunged, panther-like, for their throats.

    But on the upside I almost always go and get some tea with her afterwards and we laugh and laugh. But she always eschews the Earl Grey and goes with Darjeeling. I don’t know why that always shocks me.

  2. See the girl that’s wearing the pink coat and holding the pink bag with the face on it? Why is she so mad?? Is it because it appears that her eyebrows are missing? Because I would be upset if I woke up one morning to find my eyebrows had mysteriously vanished some time during the night.

  3. Chanel’s hairstyle: that was always our go-to hairstyle when we were toddlers…because it’s pretty much all my mom could manage. She called it a “doozie” so we walked around with doozies on our heads. I am glad to see the doozie is in this spring. I might start wearing them, myself. I mean, I already know I can pull it off; I did so for three years of my life!

    The three models with the face bags need the extra faces because theirs are scary and severe.

    Why are crop tops back ALREADY? They’re never out of fashion for more than three years, huh? Gah. Where’s that study about young women having internal organ problems from wearing crop tops in cold weather? No, really, there’s some study from…oh, Russia or something, about young women having issues with their stomachs and…I don’t remember what else because they were disobeying their mothers and going out in cold weather in just their stupid crop tops and a fluffy arm-sweater – nothing covering their poor, frostbitten bellies.
    The Dior sweater and the two summer dressed, though, aren’t crop tops. Aren’t they keyholes? Or are keyholes only on the breastbone? Oh! Remember those button-up cowgirl shirts with the keyholes or giant open swatches across the chest? I think they were from the late 80’s or early 90’s? Yeah. I hope those don’t come back.

    Dude, I hope the bag moves to the chest because then I can get a backpack bag again and just wear it on my front. Like a baby in one of those harnesses that you attach to your body to keep your baby looking like a leech at all times. I love backpack purses because they free up your arms and hands, letting you eat and drink at the same time.

    I am super excited about the new floral trend – I will no longer have to wash up after gardening! I can go forth with sticks in my hair and grass stains on my elbows and I will be fashionable! This is the best season ever!

    And I can’t top Amy’s comment about Missy in the sink, so I’m not even going to try.

    Thank you for keeping us all up to date! I appreciate your efforts.

  4. DUDE!!! THE NYT!!! I’ve been rejected so many times by Motherlode, I think she blocked my email. And you, lovely, hilarious, graceful, wonderful you all sitting pretty and writing like the pro you are. So damn inspired!! I will leave a comment over there, but I wanted to share my zing! of excitement for you. You played it cool like you weren’t all “omgi’minthenyfuckingtimes” but in case you are a tad bit like that, I say YAY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

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