You know how this goes. The new season’s magazines land in the mailbox, and lo, we are blessed with important and enlightening images. Let’s jump right into what the latest fashion ads have to teach us about living, shall we? Take note.
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1. Be Unpredictable
For the last 100 years, Chanel has been the standard of classic chic. Little quilted leather bags on chains, tastefully boxy tweed jackets, elegant Hepburn-esque sheaths. Well, you can’t stay the same forever. That’s boring. Chanel has decided to mix things up this season, and we all should, too.
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2. Embrace Your Face
Designers are reaching out to women with a message of inclusion and acceptance by putting faces on everything. Eyeballs on shoes, foreheads on dresses, lips on skirts. The meaning of it is this: Don’t be insecure about your face. Your face is beautiful. Your face is so great that you should replicate the image of your face and wear it multiple times on your body. Get up in everyone’s face with your face. And when that happens, we’ll finally understand each other and attain world peace.
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3. History Repeats Itself – Might as Well Accept It
I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to come right out: Crop tops are happening. Again. It’s a new thing, but an old thing at the same time. You know how you pat yourself on the back sometimes for putting old habits behind you? Yeah, stop patting. The fact is, what happened before will happen again. Your stupid past is about to be your stupid future. It’s just a matter of time.
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4. Trying New Things Won’t Kill You
This is probably the biggest change of the season. As we’ve discussed multiple times before, the reigning show-off-the-handbag position has been front and center and low, right over the ladygoods, for several seasons now. Well, guess what? No more. Look at all these gals, breaking out of the old routine. Freeeeeedom. Here, let’s trace the evolution of this crotch emancipation:
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5. Take Your Cues From Nature
Here’s what hot right now: plants. Leaves, petals, thorns, bark, stems, etc. All over the place. As colorful and as textural as you please. What does it all mean? It means be yourself. Life is a garden. Thrive where you’re planted. Reach, like a sproutling, for the sky. Blossom into your true self. From the tiny acorn grows the mighty oak. Don’t be like poison ivy and transmit a substance that makes others itch. Plants: They’re a metaphor.
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6. Life Would Be Easier If You Were a Fanning Sister
No deep symbolism here. Just pointing out that if you were Dakota or Elle, you’d be rolling in it right now.
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7. Expect the Unexpected
You think you know how life is going to go, but you can’t predict the actions of other people. That’s the thing. You might think you’re just going to go into the ladies room and relax and touch up your lip gloss in peace, but no. There’s some strung out girl you knew from high school sitting in front of the damn mirror. You couldn’t have seen that coming. But now you have to react. And that’s what life does. It surprises you. Sometimes the surprise is good. Sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes it’s someone’s butt in the sink.
Know someone who deserves to have a great spring? It’s as simple as following these examples. Pass it on.
Oh gawd. If I had a quarter for every time I was trying to wash my hands and some girl was splayed all over the inexplicably filled sinks airing out her crotch in a peek-a-boo stealth crop top stamped with an important Parental Advisory so the kids in the bathroom knew to make a run for the door before she snapped out of her heroin coma and lunged, panther-like, for their throats.
But on the upside I almost always go and get some tea with her afterwards and we laugh and laugh. But she always eschews the Earl Grey and goes with Darjeeling. I don’t know why that always shocks me.
Because she never stops keeping you guessing. And then you think she’s going to order a scone and BAM, nope, it’s a crumpet.
Fashion: How to take reasonably attractive humans and make them look like #$@! circus clowns.
And holy mother, if you need purses that big, just get a suitcase with wheelies – so much better on the back.
Take from us, kids: You only get one spine.
I am so unfashionable. These are life-lessons for me!
But you’re a unicorn, so…
See the girl that’s wearing the pink coat and holding the pink bag with the face on it? Why is she so mad?? Is it because it appears that her eyebrows are missing? Because I would be upset if I woke up one morning to find my eyebrows had mysteriously vanished some time during the night.
I think she’s mad because her purse looked at her funny. And I think it looked at her funny because she lost her eyebrows. It’s a vicious cycle.
Did Dakota Fanning actually turn out normal? Just wondering?
I can’t attest to normal or not normal. (Can we hope not normal? Not normal is so much more fun.) But she’s cute. As is the sister.
Chanel’s hairstyle: that was always our go-to hairstyle when we were toddlers…because it’s pretty much all my mom could manage. She called it a “doozie” so we walked around with doozies on our heads. I am glad to see the doozie is in this spring. I might start wearing them, myself. I mean, I already know I can pull it off; I did so for three years of my life!
The three models with the face bags need the extra faces because theirs are scary and severe.
Why are crop tops back ALREADY? They’re never out of fashion for more than three years, huh? Gah. Where’s that study about young women having internal organ problems from wearing crop tops in cold weather? No, really, there’s some study from…oh, Russia or something, about young women having issues with their stomachs and…I don’t remember what else because they were disobeying their mothers and going out in cold weather in just their stupid crop tops and a fluffy arm-sweater – nothing covering their poor, frostbitten bellies.
The Dior sweater and the two summer dressed, though, aren’t crop tops. Aren’t they keyholes? Or are keyholes only on the breastbone? Oh! Remember those button-up cowgirl shirts with the keyholes or giant open swatches across the chest? I think they were from the late 80’s or early 90’s? Yeah. I hope those don’t come back.
Dude, I hope the bag moves to the chest because then I can get a backpack bag again and just wear it on my front. Like a baby in one of those harnesses that you attach to your body to keep your baby looking like a leech at all times. I love backpack purses because they free up your arms and hands, letting you eat and drink at the same time.
I am super excited about the new floral trend – I will no longer have to wash up after gardening! I can go forth with sticks in my hair and grass stains on my elbows and I will be fashionable! This is the best season ever!
And I can’t top Amy’s comment about Missy in the sink, so I’m not even going to try.
Thank you for keeping us all up to date! I appreciate your efforts.
Your enthusiasm is excellent.
Thank you. I am totes ready for spring, as you can see. Doozies, breast bags (instead of baggy breasts), and the wearing of the flora – I’m really excited!
“Solar sexus.” I’m taking it and I’m never looking back.
It’s gonna catch on. Mark my words.
Those Jimmy Choos in #4 were bitchin’!!! You can add those to my gift list. Heck, just add it to all of them.
Right?? How awesome are those? I think I need some, too. Just for everyday.
And to think I finally just mastered the bag-on-vag placement. So frustrating.
Fashion. It keeps us on our toes.
DUDE!!! THE NYT!!! I’ve been rejected so many times by Motherlode, I think she blocked my email. And you, lovely, hilarious, graceful, wonderful you all sitting pretty and writing like the pro you are. So damn inspired!! I will leave a comment over there, but I wanted to share my zing! of excitement for you. You played it cool like you weren’t all “omgi’minthenyfuckingtimes” but in case you are a tad bit like that, I say YAY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhhh, this made me laugh so hard. Thank you! Yes, I’m excited. There are so many good perspectives flying around in that column; I’m grateful they let me be a part of it. Thank you so much for the “zing!” <– and I'm totally borrowing that term.
This made me laugh really hard and before I had a chance to tell you, you went all New York Times on our asses. What a week!!