You can’t swing a cat these days without hitting an article about how to change your life. Everything’s all “New Year, New You!” Well, you know what? Old you is just fine. In fact, old you is fiiiiiiiine, youknowhatimsayin’.
As always, I take my fashion cues from the ads in my favorite magazines. What I’ve gleaned from my January reading is that the biggest trends for the future are trends from the past. Want to look your best this year? You got this, people. In fact, you’ve done it all before.
* * *
1. Beige Woolens Remain The Key to Luxurious Lounging
Is it the color of sand, concrete, wheat, oatmeal, grits in light gravy, or the flesh tone of anyone between Tilda Swinton and Barack Obama? Does it have a cowl, cape, oversized sleeve, chunky cable-knit pattern, or kangaroo pocket? Then it’s perfect for this season. It’s probably in your closet right now. Go get it out.
* * *
2. Large Handbags Are Still Best Displayed On One’s Groin
We’ve talked about this before, and I’m pleased to say the trend continues. The rule of thumb is this: The larger and/or more expensive your purse is, the closer you should hold it to your lap. Got a beautiful new reptile-skin bag for your birthday and don’t know where to put it? Here’s a great little memory trick: “croc” sounds like “crotch.”
* * *
3. Jorteralls: Never Hotter Than Today
Were they good-lookin’ when you wore them with your white baby-T and your Rachel haircut and your maroon lipstick? Damn straight they were. And they can be again. But this time, your hair is long and windblown, your bosom is jammed up to your windpipe, and you’re adorned with charm bracelets just dripping with jangly little mementos. BAM. You just updated this look.
* * *
4. “What The Hell?” Is Ever-Relevant
Go on, throw your skirt over your head, giftwrap yourself with a ribbon, and turn on a fan. It was hot when you did this as an art student, and it’s even hotter now. Everyone will be like, “Sandra, what in the name of Snapchat Crackle and Pop are you doing?” and you can just go, “FEEL MY SPONTANEITYYYYYY!” and spin around. No one really understands it, but everyone likes it.
* * *
5. Good Posture Is For Suckers
Was mom always on your back about your back? “Sit up straight! You’ll ruin your spine!” Pfffff. You knew the art of the careless slouch back then, and you’ve only perfected it since. Sling your vertebrae all willy-nilly across the nearest surface and show you’ve still got a healthy disrespect for authority. Fuck this chair, fuck ladylike comportment, fuck it all.
* * *
6. It’s Still Cool To Show Off
Bragging is wrong, right? Wrong. It’s totally right. It was cool when you showed off your multicolored braces rubberbands in 6th grade, right? Exactly. And was cool when you showed off your new haircut that time Reese Witherspoon got divorce-bangs and you copied her, right? Well, kind of. And now it’s cool that you threw a dart and blew up a Smurf, splattering its Smurf-innards on the wall. So put on that fresh Smurf-skin as a dress and boast about your perfect aim, because you’re amazing, you show-off.
* * *
7. A Leather-Clad Man Is Prepared For Anything
It worked for Spartacus, and it can work for you, fellas. Leather up, leather down, leather all around the town. The more, the better. And don’t call it a man-purse; it’s a satchel.
* * *
8. Everyone Loves a Man in Uniform
For a fresh spin on a classic, be the man in uniform who’s not in uniform and play Naked Soldier with a cologne grenade. Whatever. If you can pull a pin out of it with your teeth and fling it to the ground like it’s live ammunition, go for it, dudes. Ladies love war games.
* * *
9. Pissed Off Is Right On
Practice in the mirror if you need to, but whatever you do, get this look right — because it’s never going out of style. You see, nothing says “I love it here” like making a face that says “I hate it here.” And nothing demonstrates to your hosts how much you respect their party like showing up in your jog bra and a pair of Katharine Hepburn’s old golf trousers. Remember: If anyone asks if you’d care for a beverage or some snacks, just burn a hole in their face with your eyes. Sizzle, indeed.
* * *
10. Unexpected Combos Are Always Refreshing
“Where you goin’, girl?” / “Oh, I’m goin’ to ride my motorcycle right up to the door of the Ladies Auxilliary Annual Luncheon, that’s where I’m goin’.” Don’t be afraid to put something prim — a pristine white suit, for instance — with something tough, like some badass leather driving gloves. Why do your knuckles need air-holes? Because you just might need to introduce them to someone’s face. Or you might need to arrange some flowers. Either way. People like to know you’re complicated.
Know anyone who needs a fresh start this year? Share the good news: it’s easier than ever. Just keep doing what you’ve done so well.
* * *
In other news:
It seems a little blasphemous to link this here, considering everything up there ^, but here’s an interview I did recently with a neat guy named Lodro Rinzler. This Buddhist teacher and author was a very good sport with “the jackass question” (when I pushed him on the subject of whether all people really are good deep down inside). So if you’re all done fluffing your beige sweaters and arranging your fancy purse on your lap and you still want some more (actually sensible) advice on how to make some changes for 2014, feel free to click over and see what he has to say.