Hellooooooo, 2014.
You can’t swing a cat these days without hitting an article about how to change your life. Everything’s all “New Year, New You!” Well, you know what? Old you is just fine. In fact, old you is fiiiiiiiine, youknowhatimsayin’.
As always, I take my fashion cues from the ads in my favorite magazines. What I’ve gleaned from my January reading is that the biggest trends for the future are trends from the past. Want to look your best this year? You got this, people. In fact, you’ve done it all before.
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1. Beige Woolens Remain The Key to Luxurious Lounging
Is it the color of sand, concrete, wheat, oatmeal, grits in light gravy, or the flesh tone of anyone between Tilda Swinton and Barack Obama? Does it have a cowl, cape, oversized sleeve, chunky cable-knit pattern, or kangaroo pocket? Then it’s perfect for this season. It’s probably in your closet right now. Go get it out.
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2. Large Handbags Are Still Best Displayed On One’s Groin
We’ve talked about this before, and I’m pleased to say the trend continues. The rule of thumb is this: The larger and/or more expensive your purse is, the closer you should hold it to your lap. Got a beautiful new reptile-skin bag for your birthday and don’t know where to put it? Here’s a great little memory trick: “croc” sounds like “crotch.”
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3. Jorteralls: Never Hotter Than Today
Were they good-lookin’ when you wore them with your white baby-T and your Rachel haircut and your maroon lipstick? Damn straight they were. And they can be again. But this time, your hair is long and windblown, your bosom is jammed up to your windpipe, and you’re adorned with charm bracelets just dripping with jangly little mementos. BAM. You just updated this look.
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4. “What The Hell?” Is Ever-Relevant
Go on, throw your skirt over your head, giftwrap yourself with a ribbon, and turn on a fan. It was hot when you did this as an art student, and it’s even hotter now. Everyone will be like, “Sandra, what in the name of Snapchat Crackle and Pop are you doing?” and you can just go, “FEEL MY SPONTANEITYYYYYY!” and spin around. No one really understands it, but everyone likes it.
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5. Good Posture Is For Suckers
Was mom always on your back about your back? “Sit up straight! You’ll ruin your spine!” Pfffff. You knew the art of the careless slouch back then, and you’ve only perfected it since. Sling your vertebrae all willy-nilly across the nearest surface and show you’ve still got a healthy disrespect for authority. Fuck this chair, fuck ladylike comportment, fuck it all.
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6. It’s Still Cool To Show Off
Bragging is wrong, right? Wrong. It’s totally right. It was cool when you showed off your multicolored braces rubberbands in 6th grade, right? Exactly. And was cool when you showed off your new haircut that time Reese Witherspoon got divorce-bangs and you copied her, right? Well, kind of. And now it’s cool that you threw a dart and blew up a Smurf, splattering its Smurf-innards on the wall. So put on that fresh Smurf-skin as a dress and boast about your perfect aim, because you’re amazing, you show-off.
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7. A Leather-Clad Man Is Prepared For Anything
It worked for Spartacus, and it can work for you, fellas. Leather up, leather down, leather all around the town. The more, the better. And don’t call it a man-purse; it’s a satchel.
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8. Everyone Loves a Man in Uniform
For a fresh spin on a classic, be the man in uniform who’s not in uniform and play Naked Soldier with a cologne grenade. Whatever. If you can pull a pin out of it with your teeth and fling it to the ground like it’s live ammunition, go for it, dudes. Ladies love war games.
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9. Pissed Off Is Right On
Practice in the mirror if you need to, but whatever you do, get this look right — because it’s never going out of style. You see, nothing says “I love it here” like making a face that says “I hate it here.” And nothing demonstrates to your hosts how much you respect their party like showing up in your jog bra and a pair of Katharine Hepburn’s old golf trousers. Remember: If anyone asks if you’d care for a beverage or some snacks, just burn a hole in their face with your eyes. Sizzle, indeed.
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10. Unexpected Combos Are Always Refreshing
“Where you goin’, girl?” / “Oh, I’m goin’ to ride my motorcycle right up to the door of the Ladies Auxilliary Annual Luncheon, that’s where I’m goin’.” Don’t be afraid to put something prim — a pristine white suit, for instance — with something tough, like some badass leather driving gloves. Why do your knuckles need air-holes? Because you just might need to introduce them to someone’s face. Or you might need to arrange some flowers. Either way. People like to know you’re complicated.
Know anyone who needs a fresh start this year? Share the good news: it’s easier than ever. Just keep doing what you’ve done so well.
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In other news:
It seems a little blasphemous to link this here, considering everything up there ^, but here’s an interview I did recently with a neat guy named Lodro Rinzler. This Buddhist teacher and author was a very good sport with “the jackass question” (when I pushed him on the subject of whether all people really are good deep down inside). So if you’re all done fluffing your beige sweaters and arranging your fancy purse on your lap and you still want some more (actually sensible) advice on how to make some changes for 2014, feel free to click over and see what he has to say.
Reading you before the sun comes up never disappoints. Hands down, you are absolutely one of my all-time favorites. Jorts. Kate Hepburn’s golf pants. Bad posture. My mom would have loved your stuff. Especially this one.
Stay awesome. Xo
Ha! Well, that was probably a weird way to start your day… but I’m glad!
Why do your knuckles need air-holes? Love it! Great post!
I mean, seriously: Why DO the knuckles need air holes??
Cool off post-battle?
Am throwing a skirt over my head and grabbing that fan right now – another hilarious and on-the-button post. Thanks.
Don’t forget the ribbon.
Thanks!
Your blog makes my day! It’s the one blog everybody in my office reads:)
Oh my god, I want to visit your office. It sounds like a crazy place. Thank you!
Snapchat, crackle, poptart! I always love these.
ROSS, you just took that shit NEXT LEVEL. PopTART? Perfect.
Ah! I love your take on fashion! I clearly remember one you did in ’13. I’m still working on your suggestions. And this? Perfect. I myself think that the blossom-head-wrap-in-ribbon is where it’s AT.
I bet you could make that look really take off in the Netherlands…
Love, love, LOVE this tongue and cheek fashion commentary! I especially love the oversized handbag on the groin. Priceless! Thanks for your sardonic take on all that is wrong with the bill of goods the fashion industry keeps trying to sell me. Great piece!
Thanks!
Haha, what’s with the bombs? Flowerbomb? Spicebomb?
Cookiebomb. Liquorbomb. Monkeybomb. I don’t think I’m playing this game right.
I’m so glad What the Hell is still in. I embrace that style.
What The Hell NEVER goes out of style.
This is exactly what I needed today. Rough morning, broken furnace–but at least I’m now laughing as I freeze my tushie off.
Oh lordy – wrong time of year for a furnace to break. Find a way to create heat… Burn this blog for warmth if you must.
#5 just made me laugh so hard I choked.
Fuck it all.
Hilarious. And so spot on.
Thanks!
Hilarious! Good to know “pissed off” is in right about now. Because that’s all I’ve been wearing today.
Pissed off is sort of a year-round look, I think.
Is that Guess ad seriously current??
Yep, I swear. Found it in the Feb. 2014 issue of InStyle magazine.
*shudder*
I have SO NAILED the no-good-posture look. I’m feeling quite glamorous.
And… why exactly is that guy in the first picture sitting at an outdoor cafe in the middle of a polar vortex/blizzard?
He’s hoping to catch a glimpse of some hotties in beige woolens, duh.
Jorteralls? YMMLWMVBSTO! YOU MAKE ME LAUGH WITH MY VOICE BOX SEVERAL TIMES OVER.
You are hilarious. I am going to try to learn that acronym.
Hehehe…thank you for the laugh…I don’t really enjoy fashion magazines…but you’ve actually made it fun..lol
Oh, thank you!
Nuh uh. Jorteralls =1993. That whole picture is 1993. Well, except for the lack of flannel. Otherwise, 1993.
And you know why jorteralls keep going away? Wraparound wedgies. SO painful and unpleasant. You know why they keep coming back? Girls who wore jorteralls when they were 8 didn’t care about wraparound wedgies. They quickly find that changes when they wear them again at age 23. Well, for most, anyway.
But you know what? I freaking love this whole post, especially Hot Fashion Tip #10, so I am not even going to continue arguing the time period of stupid jean shorts overalls.
They are SO 1993.
Right??
Around, oh, maybe ’95, I bought matching velour overalls for all the females in my family. Mine were burgandy, my mom’s were cobalt,the middle sister got the pink ones and the youngest got green, I think.
I am amazed they didn’t kill me. The family members, I mean…as well as the overalls.
Purse on groin. Got it.
I believe in you.
I think I’ll dig out my beige cable-knit sweater and invite my friends over so I can lounge across their laps. I’m glad to know this is socially acceptable. I’ve been dying to do it for some time.
Remember to scowl. You got this.
Hysterical, as always.🙂
Thank you, peachie!
If I walked into a room full of men that looked like those guys I would back out slowly, so’s not to cause a ruckus, and run like a crazy woman as soon as I was out of sight!
Which guys? The cologne-bomb guy? OK, you run. I’ll stay there and keep an eye on things…