Forgot to move the elf? Got busted for regifting? It could be worse.
If you ever feel like you’re shitty at holidays, please allow me to make you feel better. In fact, I want you to bookmark this story and pull it out over the next few weeks whenever you’re having a bit of guilt over acting with less than perfect holiday spirit. If you think you’re not doing Christmas right, just tell yourself that at least you’re not this bad. Here you go:
* * *
Where we live, there was this one Santa in town that EVERYONE went to for decades. I’m talking about a traditional, legendary, local custom kind of thing. A few years ago, when my kids were itty-bitty, that Santa passed away. He was old; it was time. It happens. And of course, it was in the news, because he was a beloved public figure of sorts.
[Here comes the part where you can feel better about yourself because you’re not me. Get ready!]
At that point in our lives, my kids were not yet old enough that they really made an effort to listen to things I said to other people in front of them. They were more concerned with poking each other in the eye, singing the alphabet, and trying to eat things they found on the floor of the car. So it didn’t even occur to me that they’d overhear when I said to a fellow parent at the park one day:
“So. Did you hear Santa died?”
Let’s run that line back one more time, just for impact:
“SO. DID YOU HEAR SANTA DIED?”
Yes. I said that. Out loud. Around children.
I’ll let you imagine all the backpedaling, explaining, and creative myth-adjusting I had to do after one child piped up, “Santa?” and another, “Died?” and then a bunch of others crowded around, chirping “Santa? Died? Santa died? Dead Santa?”
The point is this: When you’re feeling bad about yelling, “GODDAMMIT, WHO ATE JESUS?” when the dog chews up the Holy Infant from your tabletop Nativity*, just remind yourself: At least you didn’t tell a bunch of kids Santa died.
(* That also happened at my house.)
Ho ho ho, friends.
Oh my goodness. I shall remember this for the rest of my days.
So shall I, unfortunately.
LOL!!! Oh..you must let your readers know how you back peddled and what sort of myth adjusting you did!
Nothing that came out of my mouth for the next 10 minutes made any sense, and all of it was tinged with desperation.
So, like, a third date then.
(snort)
right ! shreejacob
Hilarious!
Thanks!
Sadly, I didn’t even realize the problem until you wrote….”Let’s back that up” then it occurred to me! SO something I could see myself doing (but glad I didn’t!) LOL
It’s OK. I didn’t even realize the problem until the words were already out of my mouth.
[…] How To Screw Up Christmas On a Magnificent Scale […]
Been there, done that. Though you get extra bad-mommy-bonus points for doing it to your kids while they were still young 🙂 I unknowingly killed Santa long after I thought the old bastard should’ve been dead and buried…..
http://getwritedowntoit.wordpress.com/2012/12/07/i-accidentally-killed-santa-claus/
OH my lord. That’s priceless!
Hope it made you feel a little better 🙂
Okay, I was chuckling about the dead Santa, but after the “who ate Jesus” thing I have to explain to everyone at work why I spit coffee into my keyboard and have to reapply my makeup. I haven’t laughed that hard all year! Thank you!
We have many different characters from many different Nativity scenes all mixed-and-matched on our kitchen table, because our dogs are always eating one member of the Holy family or another.
Goddamn, who ate Jesus?! I’m dying here!
I was poking around a bin in Michael’s craft store before Easter when I found a curious thing–a realistic paper-mache rabbit head mounted on top of an equally realistic stick. I pulled it out and announced loudly, “The Easter Bunny’s HEAD ON A STICK!” Cue the shocked silence and the slow wail of children beginning to cry. Whoops. I got death stares from the moms.
Oopsadaisy.
hahaha, ohhh, that is hysterical. Thank you so much for this- really.
Thank YOU.
Thank you for making us feel better about ourselves. Lol
I’m here for you.
Reading this was the perfect way to start my day.
It is, at least, more amusing in retrospect than it was at the time.
Thanks!
Oh wow! I laughed out so loud that I must have woken up the neighbours. I’m still giggling, by the way. :):)
Popping over from the yeah write grid this week.
Hi!
Erica just told me she posted this there. I haven’t been over to check yet…. Need to…
*Cringe* Sounds like something I’d do. Open mouth, insert foot.
It is nice to know I’m not alone.
lololol!!! I would probably do the same thing, also.
I think y’all are just trying to make me feel better.
Which I appreciate.
I could see myself doing something like that! There are just too many things to keep track of. How are you supposed to keep yourself in check all day long!?!?!
“How are you supposed to keep yourself in check all day long!?” – is something I ask myself daily.
OMG, you broke my heart in a good way, I laughed so hard it just broke into icypicy happy little bits and they start laughing and cheering HO HO HO;););) Thank you again for making me laugh!!!
^ That has got to be the most cheerful string of words I’ve ever seen. Thank you.
HO, HO, HO I’m still laughing, the string is just endless
I love it!!! Thank you for being you!!! I literally laughed so hard I snorted! The holidays are so crazy in our household…sooooo many things to coordinate and remember! I also love that your nativity set is made out of Legos! **high five**
Oh, thank you. Alas, attempts to be anyone other than me have all failed.
BTW, that’s not my nativity set in the picture. If you hover your pointer over it, you can see where it came from. Ours does have a lego or two in it, though.
Ba ha ha! This got me in the Christmas spirit!
ho ho ho!
Wow. The kids will still be reminding you of this when you are in that old age home they stick you in as punishment 😉
There is so much they’re going to punish me for.
Baby Jesus has not made an appearance in our Nativity in years…somehow he ended up in the toaster oven the same year a grilled cheese got slid into the VCR….the camels are also standing next to a three legged Peruvian pig. But I have to say I never said santa was dead. This was really laugh out loud funny truly!
In the toaster oven?? Whoa. I bet that smelled nice.
Please tell me that Lego nativity scene is real, and in your house.
It is real — if you hover your pointer over it, you can see where the image came from — but alas, it is not in my house. The one in my house has teeth marks all over it.
(But there’s always Lego Pirate Baby Jesus: https://www.etsy.com/listing/170960090/notecard-nativity-penguins?)
Great story!! Glad to know Im not the only one overtaken by Legos!
Hilarious! I’m with another commentor spitting coffee over my keyboard that was so funny.
If it makes your dog or you feel any better my Mom still loves telling the story of me as a two year old,eating baby Jesus from the nativity set. Apparently I only managed to gobble down the bottom half and he was hence forth wrapped in an aluminum foil blanket. Swaddling clothes indeed.
How come we haven’t met? We’re both undiscovered Babble bloggers and Blogher Voices of the year and Yeah Write gridders, we’re practically related.
Very funny post. I let the cat out of the bag about Santa when I was 13 and my six year old brother screamed “I’m going to my room until I’m old!” Except I thought he said “Until I mold” which caused me to laugh until my mother smacked me. Fun Christmas memories.
But we’re meeting now. It’s a Christmas miracle!
“Until I’m mold” is excellent.
I had to share the link to this most apropos poem: Charles Webb’s “The Death of Santa Claus” http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/115.html
Goodgodawmighty, that’s about the saddest thing ever. Beautifully done, though.
Why aren’t you my friend? I mean, why aren’t you my friend with whom I hang out during moments like this? Because, dude, I SO could have helped with the lying to cover your ass part. Well, had I been able to stop laughing long enough to create a coherent sentence, I mean.
And we have problems with Jesus all the time in our house, too. He kept falling off the wall and down behind the couch and sometimes into the heating vent. Of course, he looked like a mutant pill bug so I’m not surprised he was hiding himself.
Poor Jesus.
Jesus continues to have a hard life, even now. It’s sad.
Haha! My ten year old figured out about Santa AT LEAST two years ago. But he’s keeping it close to his chest because, you know, PRESENTS.
hahaha good
Wicked! I’m still laughing out loud. Loved this contribution to the challenge.
Elizabeth
Oh, thank you!
nice
Thanks!
[…] “How to Screw Up Christmas on a Magnificent Scale” by ML at I Miss You When I Blink […]
lol For all the things they DON’T listen to lol
Exactly.
This had to be the best thing I have read in a long time…and I feel your pain. I’ve done this – and I’ve had a similar experience with poor baby Jesus – only someone lit him on fire. Awesome.
A flaming Jesus? Oh, yikes.
[…] How To Screw Up Christmas On a Magnificent Scale. […]
Just discovered your blog today, while looking for some fellow humor writers! Thanks for the laugh! Come over to my side and read about how I picked a fight with Santa at the mall! http://royalthighness.com/picking-fight-santa/