Fashion Is Taking Women Down

In my research for an upcoming column on magazine ads and spring fashion (oh yes, we’re going there again), I spotted an alarming trend — one that needs to be addressed before we talk about anything else: Fashion seems to be causing women to collapse.

I don’t mean economically collapse or morally collapse or anything deep and metaphorical like that. I mean, chicks are literally falling down. Look what all these hot new outfits are doing to the women who wear them:

(Pardon the bad photography, by the way. I was just snapping pics while reading my latest issue of Elle magazine.)

* * *

Jeans make me woozy.

It starts with a little stumble. “Hey, do you guys like my new jeans? I’m just going to sit down here on this ch… this cha… Oh, help me, someone, I’m so weak…”

* * *

I've been rendered immobile, but my dress kicks ass.

Then there’s the denial phase. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just going to lean on this wall here. Everything’s fine. Sure, my legs went out from under me, but whatevs, this dress is spanktabulous, so suck it, everybody wearing last year’s sundress.”

* * *

This is a tough angle. Really tough.

Before long, there’s no choice but to hit the ground. “Dammit, where did that floor come from? Who put a mirror there? Are those my legs? Is my thigh really that thin? Or do I have an arm growing out of my ass where a leg should be? Why can’t I get up?”

* * *

Not a groupie. A "band-aid."

It could happen to anyone. Even Kate Hudson. “I’ve fallen. And I’m not talking about the fact that once upon a time I was Penny Lane in Almost Famous and it was totally the greatest movie ever and now I’m stuck doing Ann Taylor ads. I mean I can’t get up off this chaise. Is my head still attached? Is this my face?”

* * *

Nothing to see here. Move along.

It could even happen on a boat. “You guys? Hey, you guys. Back here. I’m feeling kind of dizzy. OK, fine — you gals keep an eye out for dry land. I’ll just be right here, resting and floofing out my hair while no one looks at me.” 

* * *

Just a buncha ladies. Fainting and chatting.

You can only hope to be among good friends when it happens. “Oh, Veronique, did you stumble backwards again? Here, you rest on Natasha’s knees and I’ll take your purse and go get you a Diet Coke.”

* * *

Floral prints are no match for the pull of gravity.

If you’re lucky, you’ll land right on your friend’s tropically-clad crotch. “Hey, Marguerite, take my purse, will you? This outfit has knocked me flat out. I think I need a Diet Coke.”

* * *

I don't know, this doesn't seem to be helping.

If you’re unlucky, well… you end up like these girls. “But Lady Dracula, this shoe-shine thing hurts my neck, and Delphine doesn’t look too comfortable either. Why won’t you take my purse and go get me a Diet Coke?”

* * *

Sheezus, Renee, try to at least *act* like you care.

In the end, it can feel downright hopeless. “DAMMIT, Renee, don’t just stand there all slumpy and morose. Can’t you see my legs have frozen this way? I gave you my little red purse — now go GET ME A FREAKING DIET COKE. Renee? Renee?”

So ladies, the lesson from the fashion industry is this: Always look good. But not too good. Or you’ll end up paralyzed and helpless.

* * *

PS: Hey gang. A reader (Amy from Kid-Free Living – who’s pretty damn funny herself) nominated the Blink for a Top 25 Humor Blogs listing. I think what you do is follow this link, then scroll waaaay down to the listing for I Miss You When I Blink and click “like” on it to vote. Y’all know I feel kind of weird asking for votes, so don’t fret if you don’t have time; but if you like clicking things, feel free. And THANK YOU, Amy! That was awfully kind.

Here it is: Skinny Scoop Top 25 Humor Blogs

 

 

35 comments

  1. This is hysterical! And interesting, that the models lately do appear to be posed in fallen-down and helpless poses more and more. What happened to the power-posing or the elegantly-casual ‘I’m just walking over this here beach’ type shoots which used to dominate?

    And is it male or female editors or photographers that decide that women should look good when helpless? And why?

  2. It’s the old Win-win — the models are weak from not eating, so they pose them so they don’t have to suffer AND they look totally catchable by men, so one saunters by he can just be like “Oh, look, someone left a girl here…”

    FYI – I nominted you for “top 25 humor blogs” on skinnyscoop.com – http://www.skinnyscoop.com/list/SkinnyScoop_Staff/top-25-humor-blogs

    If you want to ask a few people to vote you should easily slip in the top 25 – not a lot of people voting, but it is a list that will remain up (and could get picked up by search engines) for some time to come so… for SEO purposes…)

  3. I think the gals need to eat a sandwich or two and they’d feel much better. Gotta love the creepy autopsy pose for Chanel – I think there might be a positive PSA in there. “Eating disorders kill.”

  4. “Dammit Renee! Don’t just stand there all slumpy and morose!” BWAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I bet none of them ever got a Diet Coke, either. The purse would have pulled any one of them to the ground had she sauntered off to retrieve a drink.

  5. You are very observant! I usually thumb through fashion magazines barely noticing the actual models and definitely not noticing if they are lying down, sitting down or slumped against a wall. Now I will notice their ‘positions’ whether I want to or not! Very funny!

  6. My grandfather used to go through my grandmother’s fashion magazine and rate the models on a scale of 1 to 10. He would give them little thought bubbles, too. He hated cigarettes, so anytime a model were smoking or in a tobacco ad, the thought bubble would have something like, “I love cancer!” or “Smoking kills!” in it.

    He was a little eccentric.

  7. The first, third, and fifth pictures feature models that are so skinny it canNOT be healthy for them.

    Also, one thing I’ve notices is that everyone think’s it’s perfectly fine if women pose this way (falling everywhere) but if a MAN does it, it just looks so strange to them. Yet another example of backward sexism in the culture of Earth.

  8. I am just SHOCKED at the Marc Jacobs model!! She is positively skeletal! Now I know why I prefer to read Take 5 and That’s Life. Sure, some of those women may have lost 65 kilos,but at least they still WEIGH 65 kilos!

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