Baby, This Song Is Kind Of Horrifying

Let’s start things off today with a musical number. It’s a duet. You’ll know it when you hear it…

(“Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” originally written by Frank Loesser. I like this version.)

So, the girl in this song has lines like these:

“I’ve got to go away.”
“Say, what’s in this drink?”
“The answer is no.”
“No, no, no, sir.”
 

And the guy has lines like these:

“Baby, don’t hold out.”
“Mind if I move in closer?”
“No cabs to be had out there.”
“Look out the window at that storm.”
 

After he pours her the funny-tasting drink and tells her she’ll never get away in all that snow, he tells her it sure would be a shame if she “caught pneumonia and died” from trying to leave. Ah, romance. Nothing like a classic holiday ditty about holding your date hostage. (Seriously, it sort of sounds like she does mind if you move in closer, dude. And what did you do to all the cab drivers? WHERE ARE THEIR BODIES?)

Anyway, the other day I was tickled to see that my imaginary Twitter friend Alexandra (you may know her from her delightful site, Good Day, Regular People) had the same thought:

Baby, it's cold outside. But it's nice and creepy inside.

Amen, sister. Just once, I want to hear that girl in the song stick up for herself — just knock over all the candles in his basement shrine and run like hell. So I rewrote it. Here you have a NEW version of the whole song, with updated lyrics for the girl’s part (and the guy’s original lyrics, unchanged, in parentheses). This time, she turns the tables:

I really can’t stay
(Baby, it’s cold outside)
I don’t like you that way
(But baby, it’s cold outside)
This evening must end
(Been hoping that you’d drop in…)
Look dude, no dice.
(I’ll hold your hands, they’re cold as ice)
Honestly, I’m starting to worry
(Beautiful, what’s your hurry?)
I think you’d better open the door
(Listen to the fireplace roar)
Where’d you hide my keys? I gotta scurry
(Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Match.com, this wasn’t what I asked for!
(Why don’t you put some music on while I pour?)
 
You know what I think?
(Baby, it’s bad out there)
You roofied my drink
(No cabs to be had out there)
But I switched the cups
(Your eyes are like starlight)
And you can’t tell
(I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
No means no, no, no, sir
(Mind if I move in closer?)
And I’m all done with being polite
(What the point in hurting my pride?)
So back the fuck up
(Baby, don’t hold out)
I’m going to go outside
 
Now watch as I leave
(Baby, it’s cold outside)
Let go of my sleeve
(Oh darling, it’s cold outside)
Are you starting to spin?
(I’m lucky that you dropped in)
It’s kicking in!
(Look out the window at that storm)
I knew I should have been suspicious
(Man, your lips look delicious)
When you double-bolted the door
(Waves upon a tropical shore)
That’s why I broke one of your dishes
(Gosh your lips are delicious)
And I’ll cut you if you take one step more
(Never such a blizzard before)
 
I’m starting my car
(Oh baby, you’ll freeze out there)
To drive back to the bar
(It’s up to your knees out there)
Just first let me tie…
(I thrill when you touch my hand)
…You to this tree
(How can you do this thing to me?)
I wonder who will find you tomorrow
(Think of my life-long sorrow…)
When you’re still drugged out of your mind
(…if you caught pneumonia and died)
Hope you like snow, asshole
(Get over that hold-out)
‘Cause baby, it’s COLD outside.
 

Happy holidays!

* * *

PS: Oh! Speaking of dates… If you have been following The Random Penguins, you know about Liam — who’s been feeling vulnerable after a recent breakup. In what has to be the most delightful development of the past week, an outpouring of support has people from all over offering to set Liam up with a new lady. Some have suggested he might ought to give Kay a try, but honestly, she may be too much for him. The best candidate so far is this friendly-looking lass, suggested by a veterinarian in Nebraska. Thanks, Dr. Finch!

(Image credit:  http://images.tribe.net/tribe/upload/photo/dd8/cdc/dd8cdcaf-78cc-4610-aefb-1a543772c3fa …)
(Image credit: http://images.tribe.net/tribe/upload/photo/dd8/cdc/dd8cdcaf-78cc-4610-aefb-1a543772c3fa …)

(To meet a new bird-nerd every weekday this holiday season, follow along on tumblr or get your penguins served up via Facebook or Twitter. Ho ho ho.)

42 comments

  1. Okay – I’ll be honest. I’ve ignored the lyrics, because I really like this song. And now it’s ruined, Do you hear me? RUINED! Just like the Jingle Bell Rock song after watching Mean Girls. Sigh. And wow — cutest penguin EVER! Now I need some eggnog to wash my Christmas song sorrow away. Hilarious post!

  2. Amen to the rewritten lyrics – I hadn’t encountered the song before, but you’re right. It’s utterly horrifying and if I were the chick, the dude would have been hit in the head with the nearest frying pan before I beat it out the door. Barefoot if needs be.

  3. man, you and i should be locked up. i ruin so many songs for people. like “you are my sunshine…” CREEPY. i like your version of the song so much better: it’s much more direct and easier to determine motive in a police like-up. very good.

  4. How I wish we could somehow do this. WHo do we know? Anyone? With set, stage, camera, music? We’ve got to do this.

    HILARIOUS. So many favorite lines in here.

    We’ve taken back the song, we’ve saved the girl, and my wimpy ass plan of “Let’s Just Not Sing it” is now shamefully red faced.

    High five, this was wonderful.

  5. YES! I love that version too and was just listening to it yesterday, in fact, but as I sing along I have ALWAYS thought the same thing. I remember the first time I absentmindedly sang “Say, what’s in this drink?” while driving, and missed the next several lines as I thought “Wait….what?!?”

    Totally learning your lyrics instead!

  6. Great post, ML. Makes all those sing-alongs to this song with my kids incredibly creepy now. Really reassessing my Christmas mix choices about now.

  7. Wow. I never really noticed the lyrics before. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. It is always interesting to find our and hear what a song is truly saying. I absolutely LOVE your version and will definitely share it with others. Thanks for the refreshing laugh!

  8. Love your version of what really is a creepy song! I remember first hearing it when Miss Piggy tried to seduce Rudolf Nureyev on the old Muppet show. He was rightly terrified!

  9. Reblogged this on They call me Betty and commented:
    Baby its cold outside, looks like a nice night for a hostage……
    Love this blog, I have joked about this very song for years, glad someone finally had the guts to not only post it, but re-write correctly! Thank you “I miss you when I blink” I am in your sarcastic debt…

  10. This is the funniest post I have read in a LONG time–you are twisted and hilarious!! Copyright those lyrics, baby… I’m seeing a music video in your future with this.
    Hilarious.

  11. I remember Glenn Beck doing this same thing a few years back. It started about like yours, but by the end he and his two producers are screaming “GET OUT! GET OUT! THIS MAN IS A CANNIBAL WHO WANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE! GET OUT!”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s