Let’s start things off today with a musical number. It’s a duet. You’ll know it when you hear it…
(“Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” originally written by Frank Loesser. I like this version.)
So, the girl in this song has lines like these:“I’ve got to go away.” “Say, what’s in this drink?” “The answer is no.” “No, no, no, sir.”
And the guy has lines like these:“Baby, don’t hold out.”
“Mind if I move in closer?”
“No cabs to be had out there.”
“Look out the window at that storm.”
After he pours her the funny-tasting drink and tells her she’ll never get away in all that snow, he tells her it sure would be a shame if she “caught pneumonia and died” from trying to leave. Ah, romance. Nothing like a classic holiday ditty about holding your date hostage. (Seriously, it sort of sounds like she does mind if you move in closer, dude. And what did you do to all the cab drivers? WHERE ARE THEIR BODIES?)
Anyway, the other day I was tickled to see that my imaginary Twitter friend Alexandra (you may know her from her delightful site, Good Day, Regular People) had the same thought:
Amen, sister. Just once, I want to hear that girl in the song stick up for herself — just knock over all the candles in his basement shrine and run like hell. So I rewrote it. Here you have a NEW version of the whole song, with updated lyrics for the girl’s part (and the guy’s original lyrics, unchanged, in parentheses). This time, she turns the tables:I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside) I don’t like you that way (But baby, it’s cold outside) This evening must end (Been hoping that you’d drop in…) Look dude, no dice. (I’ll hold your hands, they’re cold as ice) Honestly, I’m starting to worry (Beautiful, what’s your hurry?) I think you’d better open the door (Listen to the fireplace roar) Where’d you hide my keys? I gotta scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry) Match.com, this wasn’t what I asked for! (Why don’t you put some music on while I pour?) You know what I think? (Baby, it’s bad out there) You roofied my drink (No cabs to be had out there) But I switched the cups (Your eyes are like starlight) And you can’t tell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell) No means no, no, no, sir (Mind if I move in closer?) And I’m all done with being polite (What the point in hurting my pride?) So back the fuck up (Baby, don’t hold out) I’m going to go outside Now watch as I leave (Baby, it’s cold outside) Let go of my sleeve
(Oh darling, it’s cold outside) Are you starting to spin? (I’m lucky that you dropped in) It’s kicking in! (Look out the window at that storm) I knew I should have been suspicious (Man, your lips look delicious) When you double-bolted the door (Waves upon a tropical shore) That’s why I broke one of your dishes (Gosh your lips are delicious) And I’ll cut you if you take one step more (Never such a blizzard before) I’m starting my car (Oh baby, you’ll freeze out there) To drive back to the bar (It’s up to your knees out there) Just first let me tie… (I thrill when you touch my hand) …You to this tree (How can you do this thing to me?) I wonder who will find you tomorrow (Think of my life-long sorrow…) When you’re still drugged out of your mind (…if you caught pneumonia and died) Hope you like snow, asshole (Get over that hold-out) ‘Cause baby, it’s COLD outside.
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PS: Oh! Speaking of dates… If you have been following The Random Penguins, you know about Liam — who’s been feeling vulnerable after a recent breakup. In what has to be the most delightful development of the past week, an outpouring of support has people from all over offering to set Liam up with a new lady. Some have suggested he might ought to give Kay a try, but honestly, she may be too much for him. The best candidate so far is this friendly-looking lass, suggested by a veterinarian in Nebraska. Thanks, Dr. Finch!