The Stunning News No One Saw Coming

Here’s the deal: I’m about to rock your world.

I’m going to tell you a secret.

It just so happens that I’m on an “exclusive” list of “insiders” who receive emails from a major department store. Not only do I get a heads-up before every sale, but according to these emails, I am also getting “premier access” to early word on the trends. I (and the million or so other people whose email addresses are in this system, whatever) am the FIRST TO KNOW the next hot new thing.

(Probably, I’m supposed to type in some code that makes my computer self-destruct after I read this classified information; but fuck that, I’m telling the Internet. It’s time we blow the world of fashion secrets wide open.)

So here it is — I just got a personal email (which I know was personal, because it had my very own name on it) announcing what everyone will know soon: THE must-have garment for Fall 2012. This is going to be big. I thought after the Sequin Boom of 2010 and the Neon Renaissance of 2011, nothing could surprise me, but I was wrong. This is major.

Honestly, right now, I can’t even wrap my brain around what those out-of-the-box visionaries are doing up in their wacky lofts of art and design. The muse has gone rogue.

I mean, basically you are going to need to take everything you know about how to dress for fall and just throw it out the window. Right through the glass. Then go outside, walk around to the ground under the window, find where you threw it, and spit on it. And then say, “You are DEAD to me, old fall knowledge.” And throw your burning cigarette on it and then mash it out with your heel. Maybe mutter something in Italian, that would be a nice touch. Because it’s time to forget everything you ever knew about clothing and cool weather.

OK, are you ready?

No, seriously. Ready?

Because this shit is going to blow your mind.

Breaking news: The newest trend in fall apparel is…

Sweet mother of Coco Chanel, no one could have seen this coming.




  1. I am forwading this to every fashion-forward woman I know. Immediately. Sorry to blow the secret, but this is too big not to share.

  2. Why, oh why, did I not go into fashion like I wanted to when I was eight?! I could be a bazillionaire right now instead of sitting around in Goodwill jeans and blogging!
    Jackets, man, jackets.

  3. My mind. It has been blown.

    I am off to purchase jackets. Even though I live in California and won’t need jackets until January. But, as a slave to fashion, I will sweat through the trends – because we all know it is better to look good than feel comfortable but be gauche and totally out of style. Can you imagine my embarrassment? THANK YOU for enlightening the less fortunate (non-elite email recipients).

  4. Jackets? Who’d have thought?! So glad to be privy to such top secret knowledge. Thanks for the 411. (Sidebar: this post made me giggle like a loon. Mission accomplished.)

  5. I am now completely confused and enlightened all at the same time. I have jackets, but they must be the “bad” jackets because I am never cutting edge. I shall throw out all old, bad jackets and purchase the new fall fashion-jackets. They may look like the old, but boy they are new! (not to mention more expensive, which I know will make my husband have all kinds of emotions…perhaps bad ones like my old jackets)

  6. But how long will this trend last!?! Year after year I am bamboozled into the latest fashion forward items (sweaters, umbrellas…socks) and then they just sit in my closet unused until the trend comes back 17 years later.

  7. I’m guessing these would not be the same jackets I’ve been wearing all summer because the air conditioning is too low in the office. Oh no! I’m sure these are FALL jackets, not mere summer jackets.

  8. hahaha!!!! So true. “You are dead to me”. If I said this to my wardrobe after each season I would have no clothes left, Who can afford to revamp entire wardrobe each year, let alone each season?!

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