Fashion Is Taking Women Down
February 18, 2013 § 35 Comments
In my research for an upcoming column on magazine ads and spring fashion (oh yes, we’re going there again), I spotted an alarming trend — one that needs to be addressed before we talk about anything else: Fashion seems to be causing women to collapse.
I don’t mean economically collapse or morally collapse or anything deep and metaphorical like that. I mean, chicks are literally falling down. Look what all these hot new outfits are doing to the women who wear them:
(Pardon the bad photography, by the way. I was just snapping pics while reading my latest issue of Elle magazine.)
* * *
It starts with a little stumble. “Hey, do you guys like my new jeans? I’m just going to sit down here on this ch… this cha… Oh, help me, someone, I’m so weak…”
* * *
Then there’s the denial phase. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just going to lean on this wall here. Everything’s fine. Sure, my legs went out from under me, but whatevs, this dress is spanktabulous, so suck it, everybody wearing last year’s sundress.”
* * *
Before long, there’s no choice but to hit the ground. “Dammit, where did that floor come from? Who put a mirror there? Are those my legs? Is my thigh really that thin? Or do I have an arm growing out of my ass where a leg should be? Why can’t I get up?”
* * *
It could happen to anyone. Even Kate Hudson. “I’ve fallen. And I’m not talking about the fact that once upon a time I was Penny Lane in Almost Famous and it was totally the greatest movie ever and now I’m stuck doing Ann Taylor ads. I mean I can’t get up off this chaise. Is my head still attached? Is this my face?”
* * *
It could even happen on a boat. “You guys? Hey, you guys. Back here. I’m feeling kind of dizzy. OK, fine — you gals keep an eye out for dry land. I’ll just be right here, resting and floofing out my hair while no one looks at me.”
* * *
You can only hope to be among good friends when it happens. “Oh, Veronique, did you stumble backwards again? Here, you rest on Natasha’s knees and I’ll take your purse and go get you a Diet Coke.”
* * *
If you’re lucky, you’ll land right on your friend’s tropically-clad crotch. “Hey, Marguerite, take my purse, will you? This outfit has knocked me flat out. I think I need a Diet Coke.”
* * *
If you’re unlucky, well… you end up like these girls. “But Lady Dracula, this shoe-shine thing hurts my neck, and Delphine doesn’t look too comfortable either. Why won’t you take my purse and go get me a Diet Coke?”
* * *
In the end, it can feel downright hopeless. “DAMMIT, Renee, don’t just stand there all slumpy and morose. Can’t you see my legs have frozen this way? I gave you my little red purse — now go GET ME A FREAKING DIET COKE. Renee? Renee?”
So ladies, the lesson from the fashion industry is this: Always look good. But not too good. Or you’ll end up paralyzed and helpless.
* * *
PS: Hey gang. A reader (Amy from Kid-Free Living - who’s pretty damn funny herself) nominated the Blink for a Top 25 Humor Blogs listing. I think what you do is follow this link, then scroll waaaay down to the listing for I Miss You When I Blink and click “like” on it to vote. Y’all know I feel kind of weird asking for votes, so don’t fret if you don’t have time; but if you like clicking things, feel free. And THANK YOU, Amy! That was awfully kind.
Here it is: Skinny Scoop Top 25 Humor Blogs
The Stunning News No One Saw Coming
September 7, 2012 § 17 Comments
Here’s the deal: I’m about to rock your world.
I’m going to tell you a secret.
It just so happens that I’m on an “exclusive” list of “insiders” who receive emails from a major department store. Not only do I get a heads-up before every sale, but according to these emails, I am also getting “premier access” to early word on the trends. I (and the million or so other people whose email addresses are in this system, whatever) am the FIRST TO KNOW the next hot new thing.
(Probably, I’m supposed to type in some code that makes my computer self-destruct after I read this classified information; but fuck that, I’m telling the Internet. It’s time we blow the world of fashion secrets wide open.)
So here it is — I just got a personal email (which I know was personal, because it had my very own name on it) announcing what everyone will know soon: THE must-have garment for Fall 2012. This is going to be big. I thought after the Sequin Boom of 2010 and the Neon Renaissance of 2011, nothing could surprise me, but I was wrong. This is major.
Honestly, right now, I can’t even wrap my brain around what those out-of-the-box visionaries are doing up in their wacky lofts of art and design. The muse has gone rogue.
I mean, basically you are going to need to take everything you know about how to dress for fall and just throw it out the window. Right through the glass. Then go outside, walk around to the ground under the window, find where you threw it, and spit on it. And then say, “You are DEAD to me, old fall knowledge.” And throw your burning cigarette on it and then mash it out with your heel. Maybe mutter something in Italian, that would be a nice touch. Because it’s time to forget everything you ever knew about clothing and cool weather.
OK, are you ready?
No, seriously. Ready?
Because this shit is going to blow your mind.
Breaking news: The newest trend in fall apparel is…
Sweet mother of Coco Chanel, no one could have seen this coming.
Jackets.
For FALL.
Truth in Advertising: 10 Lessons of Fall
August 21, 2012 § 13 Comments
A new season is just around the bend, ladies and gentlemen, and you know what that means: a fresh set of life rules to be gained from our favorite fashion magazines, especially from the advertising.
I’ve studied the new ad campaigns closely, and I can tell you they cover it all — everyday safety, overcoming social anxiety, mingling betwixt the sexes, personal comportment, autumnal leisure, and, as always, instructions on how to be sexy.*
(* I was once told that as long as you feel sexy, you are sexy; but the thing is, that’s a lie. If it were true, it would be sexy to tuck one’s pajama pants into cowboy boots and wear them to Office Depot or to point out misspellings on a stranger’s iPhone screen over their shoulder. But guess what? No one finds those things sexy. Or so I hear.)
So anyway. Here are the top 10 take-aways from the new fall ads:
1. Fashion is no match for a kidnapper with a sultry gaze.
A belted unitard with a peek of brassiere is not the weapon you think it is, ladies. Enroll in a self-defense class, or this will be you.
* * *
2. All the fun happens on trains.
The Crazy-Hat Express departs the station at noon, and these bitches are ready to play some strip bridge. Pass the twinkies and absinthe, Alice.
* * *
3. The ones touching their faces are the ones wearing the high-quality makeup.
They are also the ones with alien hands who don’t have knuckle-wrinkles.
* * *
4. It’s hard to stand up in leather.
In fact, if you have on any leather at all, you will be unable to resist the urge to stretch out and support yourself on the nearest surface.
Or even the ground.
* * *
5. Men resent having to wear cologne.
Doesn’t matter how many vixens drape themselves half-conscious across you, does it, buddy? You smell like lemon blossoms and squirrel musk. You’re pissed, and we don’t blame you.
* * *
6. There’s a fine line between accessorized and overdone.
Here’s when you know you’re right at that line and about to cross it: chin strap.
* * *
7. Girls night out always needs one guy.
Sometimes you just need to cut through all that estrogen by inviting a man along on ladies night. Just a good ol’ regular dude who’s like, “I’ll hold your foot! Let’s share chapstick! Which one of your earrings unscrews and has a teeny weeny pile of cocaine in it? That one? YAY!”
* * *
8. Either you know how this works, or you don’t.
All the cools go hunting when fall comes, natch. Must haves: elbow patches, tweed, boots, saddles, belts upon belts, and one superfly child/midget up on a table. How does it all go down? Skippy tips his newsboy cap to signal Vanessa, who whips out a riding crop, only to have Tony Socks-a-Lot snipe at her for getting the occasion wrong (“It’s a foxhunt, ‘Nessa, not a fucking dressage event,” eye roll). Jeff runs a driving glove through his ringlets and hollers, “Everyone with decorative leather accents, to the meadow!” and that’s when it really gets interesting.
* * *
9. It’s all about attitude.
Think you can’t? Yes, you CAN. Practice in a mirror: “I am aloof. I wear black. I make the rules.” Now just drive your motorcycle right on into the museum and dry-hump the back of the young countess. Her friends won’t mind.
* * *
10. The best way to showcase a fantastic handbag is by reclining and placing it just in front of your crotch.
It’s ALWAYS sexy.
See? Always sexy.
Always. Sexy.
Always se-WHOA.
Never mind.
(If you’re still trying to eek out a decent life in the last few weeks of summer but never consulted the fashion ads to learn how, it’s probably too late for you, but you can always try here.)
Advertising Decoded: 10 Important Messages
May 17, 2012 § 10 Comments
Don’t tell me fashion magazines are all fluff.
You can learn a lot in the pages of Vogue, Bazaar, In Style, and Elle (my favorite), and you know where you can find some of the most profound information? The advertising. Pay close enough attention, and you can pick up some life lessons here, people. If you’re not paging through these magazines and spending a little time on the ads, you’re missing some key observations about our world and insights into humanity itself. Allow me to get you all caught up.
After a non-scientific but extremely thorough study of the ads in this market, I’ve determined that the take-away messages have some common themes, ultimately revealing 10 essential truths. They are as follows:
1. People who own nice things, particularly Italian goods, are very well oiled.
For a subtle glimmer, apply oil in a swirling motion with $100 bills.
2. Sexy people do things their own way.
For example, sexy French cowgirls dip their tampons in wine. Ooh la la!
3. You know you’ve found the right outfit/accessories/perfume/handbag when it makes you feel like wearing a ballgown in a field.
At first glance, this seems problematic. Obviously, you don’t want chiggers up inside your formalwear. Nor would you want a ring of mud around the hem. Also, shouldn’t you have a weapon? I mean, you’re alone in a field – there could be wild game. Think how excited everyone at the gala will be when you arrive with fresh dinner! You will have MORE FRIENDS because you look awesome and you caught some food. I think probably the crossbow just isn’t pictured in this shot.
4. It is perfectly safe to throw alcohol-based perfume directly onto the eyes and genitals of others.
Don’t worry, it won’t sting. On the contrary, it will be great fun and get you clean.
5. Expensive makeup makes you angry, which makes you happy.
The pricier, the angrier. And the angrier, the more glamorous. And the more glamorous, the more you look better than people wearing drugstore makeup. And the more you look better than poor people, the happier you’ll be. So the key to being happy is being angry.
6. Always buy the whole outfit.
If you frolic into the ocean with nothing but a crotch scarf, the water will be too cold. Throw on a cardigan and Hollywood-tape it to your nipples. Add a necklace. Now everything’s just right.
7. High fashion and ergonomical correctness don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
- Don’t (left): Hang your bag around your neck while hiking one foot up so high your ass splits in half. That will cause both headaches and gluteal pain.
- Do (right): Hold your bag in one hand while properly supporting your arms on a sawhorse and equalizing your body weight in a half-split.
8. Anything pictured against a spotless white background will make your life better, and you must have it.
Is this one of those lovers’ things? Where you have the lock, and you give the key to your sweetheart, and it’s like, “You are the only one who can unlock my sunglasses from my face and see my real eyes.” Who cares if it makes sense? Look how clean the world is around these glasses. Look how they make all the clutter go away. Get the glasses, and everything else around you will disappear.
9. You will never be these people.
What, you can’t pull off a rugby shirt / bikini bottoms / waders outfit? Might as well turn the page — because you’re old and stupid, and you’re not invited on this preppy rafting trip.
10. Life is a tiny plastic pool of lukewarm water, urine, and pinkeye germs.
Hey, you. Little girl. Yeah, you. This is your life in 30 years.
You’ll put on your glam suit even though no one’s around to see it other than ALL THESE FREAKING CHILDREN lounging around begging for popsicles and using too many towels. Half of them aren’t even yours – they just showed up because they heard you got laid off from your law firm and have some time on your hands. They’re literally tearing down the fences to come in and mock you.
See this paddle? It’s for ping pong. But you won’t be having fun and playing games because there’s no ping pong table here, only a bunch of swim diapers you’ll have to deal with later. The front of your McMansion might be imprinted concrete designed to look like bricks, but the back is faded siding two shades lighter than your Astroturf “lawn.” Unlock your sunglasses and take a look at your life through yonder window, girlfriend. It’s a misty abyss of nothingness.
Tagline: JC Penney – where dreams come to die.
Ready for the next season? Don’t miss the fall ad campaigns of 2012.
