April 23, 2013 § 22 Comments
Spring magazines are out. You know what that means.
Once again, we don’t even have to read the articles to know what’s hot for this season. All we have to do is pay attention to the advertising, and we’ll learn not just about the world of fashion, but about the world itself. About beauty, happiness, business… about life, my friends. A few lessons for spring:
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To look, feel, and smell like a celebrity, emulate their entire lifestyle.
This perfume bottle has a lovely feminine hourglass shape. So it’s fitting that Jessica Chastain wears it, because she, too, has a gorgeous figure. Do you want to be like Jessica? Then know this: She keeps her curves in perfect proportion by making sure no fast food ever passes her lips. And that’s not all. To make sure no one else falls prey to the evils of the Big Mac or McRib, Jessica personally murdered Grimace, then finger-painted the walls with his blood. May that image never leave your mind, and may you order a salad at lunch.
* * *
The most accurate way to tell time is to hold your watch next to the face of a beautiful woman.
Think about it: Whenever you want to know what time it is, don’t you put your arm up next to your head (if you are a beautiful woman yourself) or someone else’s (if you are ugly or a man)? Of course you do: “Hey, Stacy, what time is it?” “A quarter past my face, bitch.”
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If you wait long enough, everything will get easier.
You mean now I can spray Vaseline on my OWN ass? Wow. The wait IS over! The world is getting more convenient by the minute.
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Always say what you mean.
Quattro TrimStyle by Schick. Because nothing says, “prune your bush,” like actually saying it. (Subtle, Schick. Subtle.)
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Some things are harder than they look.
The jacket-over-briefs look isn’t as easy to pull off as you might think. Sure, it looks simple, but you can’t just throw a bomber over your bosom and go. Trust me on this. You have to get the face right. You don’t want to look too joyful (left), because then it’s like, “What are you so excited about? You can’t even afford a shirt.” Likewise, you don’t want to seem too dour (right), because then people want to slap you and shout, “Hey. Buck up. At least you HAVE a jacket.” Only one person knows how to get this look exactly right…
* * *
Kate Moss can do anything she wants. Ever.
The secret is never to waver in your because-I’m-Kate-Moss-and-I-fucking-say-so expression.
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You are too old to shop at H&M.
Daphne, Joan, Lindsey, and Lin Wen just want to make one thing clear: You’re past your goddamn prime.
* * *
The Great Gatsby look is back, and it’s everywhere.
Which is awesome, because aren’t we all just living the Gatsby story every day? I know I am. Speaking of which, I’ve gotta run in a minute – it’s almost time for me to plow my friend down with my car and then skip town.
* * *
Never sign a cosmetics contract.
The way it works is they give you 50 pages of small print to sign. The first few pages are like, “Emma Stone, you will get bazillions of dollars for letting us put your pretty face on magazine ads.” But on about page 47, there’s a tiny line that reads, “PS: Once you sign this, we can dress you up like a rainbow clown and gel your hair like it’s 1989 and pose you on a surfboard, because WE OWN YOUR ASS NOW.”
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Sometimes a missed opportunity is a blessing in disguise.
Bullfights are SO in. And at first, Sophia, on the far left, was super-pissed because she didn’t get a bolero OR a hat for this shoot, so clearly she’s not invited to Pamplona with the rest of the girls. Well, fuck them. At least she won’t end up gored.
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It doesn’t have to make sense to work.
Dolce & Gabbana. Because Scarlett Johansson makes out with smooth-nippled statues, so buy this makeup.
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Know someone who could use a little instruction on the finer points of looking good and living right? Share these lessons and change a life.
March 14, 2013 § 57 Comments
It’s no secret: You already know that sometimes I fantasize about living the life I see in the J. Crew catalog.
This week, while browsing for something to wear in this 40-degrees-at-breakfast / 70-at-lunch weather, I got caught up in pondering just what I’d have to do to pull off this lifestyle on a daily basis. There’s a lot to it, but none of it’s all that hard. I think I’ve got the hang of it:
* * *
1. Embrace bedhead. This looks a lot like how my hair just naturally is, but you can also create this look on purpose. What you do is put lots of time and product and effort into styling your hair nice and smooth, and then you sort of take your open palm and noogie-noogie-noogie it all crazy on the crown of your head and then go.
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2. Eschew perfection. Always leave one element of your outfit screwed up or half done. Like tucking the back of your dress into your thong, except preppier.
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3. Cultivate a mysterious expression. There’s lots of room for creativity here. The gist is that you don’t want to stick with the basics: happy, sad, mad, etc. You want to come up with something quirky, an unusual combo of emotions. Like, murderously vapid. Or playfully depressed. Or adorably vegetarian. You get the idea.
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4. Always be touching. Too close for comfort? Nonsense. If you’ve got on a great outfit, let everyone know it by sidling up to the closest other person in a great outfit and touching them, creating an electric charge that radiates for all to see.
* * *
5. Keep ‘em guessing at the office. Can women have it all? Is there such a thing as balance? Is that the glass ceiling or did someone play a prank on us with Saran Wrap? Who knows, but one thing’s for sure: The J. Crew way is to keep things wacky at work.
* * *
6. Jump, and you’ll look better. It’s fine to do just a half-leap, but if you really want to grab the world by the balls, launch into a full ballet jeté in the next crowded place you go, because why not.
And that’s how you do it.
(All pictures are from the J. Crew catalog. Obviously.)
February 18, 2013 § 35 Comments
In my research for an upcoming column on magazine ads and spring fashion (oh yes, we’re going there again), I spotted an alarming trend — one that needs to be addressed before we talk about anything else: Fashion seems to be causing women to collapse.
I don’t mean economically collapse or morally collapse or anything deep and metaphorical like that. I mean, chicks are literally falling down. Look what all these hot new outfits are doing to the women who wear them:
(Pardon the bad photography, by the way. I was just snapping pics while reading my latest issue of Elle magazine.)
* * *
It starts with a little stumble. “Hey, do you guys like my new jeans? I’m just going to sit down here on this ch… this cha… Oh, help me, someone, I’m so weak…”
* * *
Then there’s the denial phase. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just going to lean on this wall here. Everything’s fine. Sure, my legs went out from under me, but whatevs, this dress is spanktabulous, so suck it, everybody wearing last year’s sundress.”
* * *
Before long, there’s no choice but to hit the ground. “Dammit, where did that floor come from? Who put a mirror there? Are those my legs? Is my thigh really that thin? Or do I have an arm growing out of my ass where a leg should be? Why can’t I get up?”
* * *
It could happen to anyone. Even Kate Hudson. “I’ve fallen. And I’m not talking about the fact that once upon a time I was Penny Lane in Almost Famous and it was totally the greatest movie ever and now I’m stuck doing Ann Taylor ads. I mean I can’t get up off this chaise. Is my head still attached? Is this my face?”
* * *
It could even happen on a boat. “You guys? Hey, you guys. Back here. I’m feeling kind of dizzy. OK, fine — you gals keep an eye out for dry land. I’ll just be right here, resting and floofing out my hair while no one looks at me.”
* * *
You can only hope to be among good friends when it happens. “Oh, Veronique, did you stumble backwards again? Here, you rest on Natasha’s knees and I’ll take your purse and go get you a Diet Coke.”
* * *
If you’re lucky, you’ll land right on your friend’s tropically-clad crotch. “Hey, Marguerite, take my purse, will you? This outfit has knocked me flat out. I think I need a Diet Coke.”
* * *
If you’re unlucky, well… you end up like these girls. “But Lady Dracula, this shoe-shine thing hurts my neck, and Delphine doesn’t look too comfortable either. Why won’t you take my purse and go get me a Diet Coke?”
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In the end, it can feel downright hopeless. “DAMMIT, Renee, don’t just stand there all slumpy and morose. Can’t you see my legs have frozen this way? I gave you my little red purse — now go GET ME A FREAKING DIET COKE. Renee? Renee?”
So ladies, the lesson from the fashion industry is this: Always look good. But not too good. Or you’ll end up paralyzed and helpless.
* * *
PS: Hey gang. A reader (Amy from Kid-Free Living - who’s pretty damn funny herself) nominated the Blink for a Top 25 Humor Blogs listing. I think what you do is follow this link, then scroll waaaay down to the listing for I Miss You When I Blink and click “like” on it to vote. Y’all know I feel kind of weird asking for votes, so don’t fret if you don’t have time; but if you like clicking things, feel free. And THANK YOU, Amy! That was awfully kind.
Here it is: Skinny Scoop Top 25 Humor Blogs
September 7, 2012 § 17 Comments
Here’s the deal: I’m about to rock your world.
I’m going to tell you a secret.
It just so happens that I’m on an “exclusive” list of “insiders” who receive emails from a major department store. Not only do I get a heads-up before every sale, but according to these emails, I am also getting “premier access” to early word on the trends. I (and the million or so other people whose email addresses are in this system, whatever) am the FIRST TO KNOW the next hot new thing.
(Probably, I’m supposed to type in some code that makes my computer self-destruct after I read this classified information; but fuck that, I’m telling the Internet. It’s time we blow the world of fashion secrets wide open.)
So here it is — I just got a personal email (which I know was personal, because it had my very own name on it) announcing what everyone will know soon: THE must-have garment for Fall 2012. This is going to be big. I thought after the Sequin Boom of 2010 and the Neon Renaissance of 2011, nothing could surprise me, but I was wrong. This is major.
Honestly, right now, I can’t even wrap my brain around what those out-of-the-box visionaries are doing up in their wacky lofts of art and design. The muse has gone rogue.
I mean, basically you are going to need to take everything you know about how to dress for fall and just throw it out the window. Right through the glass. Then go outside, walk around to the ground under the window, find where you threw it, and spit on it. And then say, “You are DEAD to me, old fall knowledge.” And throw your burning cigarette on it and then mash it out with your heel. Maybe mutter something in Italian, that would be a nice touch. Because it’s time to forget everything you ever knew about clothing and cool weather.
OK, are you ready?
No, seriously. Ready?
Because this shit is going to blow your mind.
Breaking news: The newest trend in fall apparel is…
May 30, 2012 § 5 Comments
It’s an annual lesson of summertime – and we’re reminded of it at the beach, by the pool, and in dressing rooms across the country: The fact that something exists doesn’t necessarily mean it should be worn.
There’s a wide, wide, oh-so-unfortunately wide variety of styles available in swimwear. Everyone has their own opinion, and I’ve learned there are some things I like neither to wear nor to look at. To the buyers and makers of bathing suits, I hereby suggest 5 trends the world could do without:
OK, I know not everyone agrees on this, but hear me out. If I wanted to wear a medallion, I’d wear one on a chain like a normal mobster. I don’t need one sewn into the center of my suit as a cleavage-ornament. For one thing, it chafes. For another, even if you don’t have sensitive skin, think about this: do you want rust or tarnish anywhere on your body, especially on the parts covered by your bathing suit? It may be a smart marketing strategy by the designers – metal heats up in the sun, and before you know it, you’ve got a logo seared onto your skin – but when branding turns into branding, it’s going too far.
Along that same line, there’s a certain level of ornamentation that’s subtle and sensible enough for a day in the sun and water. (A nice, light pair of earrings, perhaps?) But then there are pool-jewels. We’re talking shoulder-duster earrings, big ol’ gumball-size necklaces, and bracelets halfway up the arm. First of all, don’t those get hot? Second, wouldn’t they cause some goofy-ass tan lines? Third, if you don’t want the weird tan lines, you’d have to wear sunscreen – and how do you clean all the SPF-50 slime out of your pool-jewels?
If an 11-year-old in fashion design camp came up with this, I would give her a sticker and tell her she’s super-creative. And then I would give her a cookie and send her outside for some fresh air. And then I’d accidentally spill red Gatorade all over her design and, whoops-a-daisy, also cram it down the sink and turn on the disposal.
All in favor of teeny-weeny bikinis, say aye. Aye! All not in favor of trying to have a conversation with a person while she’s wearing what appears to be a tropical-themed maxipad tied on with a shoelace, say, please GOD make it stop. There’s a line, and it’s being crossed too often. Literally. The line is horizontal and it’s your c-section scar. Bathing suit designers, I beg you, when you draw the pattern for bikini bottoms, make that triangle bigger than a Dorito. Helpful tips: 1. If any part of the actual reproductive system is visible, it’s too small. 2. If it’s the size of the tiny American-flag-on-a-toothpick stabbed into a club sandwich, it’s too small. 3. If it could double as a festive eye-patch, it’s too small.
5. SpongeBob CircleBoobs
Last week, I was about to try on a suit when I had a moment of total panic. I picked up the top and thought for a second that the woman who tried it on before me had accidentally left both of her breasts in it.
There are pads the size of teacup Chihuahuas implanted in some otherwise very cute suits. Regardless of whether you like this look (circular throw-pillows on your bosom), there’s a problem with how these suits work in action: Those big, round pads soak up more liquid than a ShamWow. So, you get out of the water; you dry off; but your cups still runneth over with ocean. There is NO delicate way to resolve this situation. You can’t wring them out without taking your top off (which I’ve learned is frowned upon at a lot of beaches because it’s not “family friendly” or whatever). And you can’t just reach up and grab your Chihuahuas and squeeze them out like kitchen sponges, because that’s horrifying for fellow beachgoers to witness. So then what? You just leave them be? You walk around totally dry except for your top, which stays soggy all day? That seems like a health hazard of some sort.
That’s right, this is health advice, too.
By the way – sorry, fellas. This is a kind of a girl-centric post. You may not even agree with it. If you’re shaking your fists to the sky in argument, hollering, “NO! I love metal hardware and padded suits and Dorito-kinis!” then I apologize. Frankly, though, it’s probably a miracle if you’re even still reading this.
If you are, you should get a medal.
(But not sewn to your bathing suit.)