11 More Life Tips from Fashion Ads
April 23, 2013 § 22 Comments
Spring magazines are out. You know what that means.
Once again, we don’t even have to read the articles to know what’s hot for this season. All we have to do is pay attention to the advertising, and we’ll learn not just about the world of fashion, but about the world itself. About beauty, happiness, business… about life, my friends. A few lessons for spring:
* * *
To look, feel, and smell like a celebrity, emulate their entire lifestyle.
This perfume bottle has a lovely feminine hourglass shape. So it’s fitting that Jessica Chastain wears it, because she, too, has a gorgeous figure. Do you want to be like Jessica? Then know this: She keeps her curves in perfect proportion by making sure no fast food ever passes her lips. And that’s not all. To make sure no one else falls prey to the evils of the Big Mac or McRib, Jessica personally murdered Grimace, then finger-painted the walls with his blood. May that image never leave your mind, and may you order a salad at lunch.
* * *
The most accurate way to tell time is to hold your watch next to the face of a beautiful woman.
Think about it: Whenever you want to know what time it is, don’t you put your arm up next to your head (if you are a beautiful woman yourself) or someone else’s (if you are ugly or a man)? Of course you do: “Hey, Stacy, what time is it?” “A quarter past my face, bitch.”
* * *
If you wait long enough, everything will get easier.
You mean now I can spray Vaseline on my OWN ass? Wow. The wait IS over! The world is getting more convenient by the minute.
* * *
Always say what you mean.
Quattro TrimStyle by Schick. Because nothing says, “prune your bush,” like actually saying it. (Subtle, Schick. Subtle.)
* * *
Some things are harder than they look.
The jacket-over-briefs look isn’t as easy to pull off as you might think. Sure, it looks simple, but you can’t just throw a bomber over your bosom and go. Trust me on this. You have to get the face right. You don’t want to look too joyful (left), because then it’s like, “What are you so excited about? You can’t even afford a shirt.” Likewise, you don’t want to seem too dour (right), because then people want to slap you and shout, “Hey. Buck up. At least you HAVE a jacket.” Only one person knows how to get this look exactly right…
* * *
Kate Moss can do anything she wants. Ever.
The secret is never to waver in your because-I’m-Kate-Moss-and-I-fucking-say-so expression.
* * *
You are too old to shop at H&M.
Daphne, Joan, Lindsey, and Lin Wen just want to make one thing clear: You’re past your goddamn prime.
* * *
The Great Gatsby look is back, and it’s everywhere.
Which is awesome, because aren’t we all just living the Gatsby story every day? I know I am. Speaking of which, I’ve gotta run in a minute – it’s almost time for me to plow my friend down with my car and then skip town.
* * *
Never sign a cosmetics contract.
The way it works is they give you 50 pages of small print to sign. The first few pages are like, “Emma Stone, you will get bazillions of dollars for letting us put your pretty face on magazine ads.” But on about page 47, there’s a tiny line that reads, “PS: Once you sign this, we can dress you up like a rainbow clown and gel your hair like it’s 1989 and pose you on a surfboard, because WE OWN YOUR ASS NOW.”
* * *
Sometimes a missed opportunity is a blessing in disguise.
Bullfights are SO in. And at first, Sophia, on the far left, was super-pissed because she didn’t get a bolero OR a hat for this shoot, so clearly she’s not invited to Pamplona with the rest of the girls. Well, fuck them. At least she won’t end up gored.
* * *
It doesn’t have to make sense to work.
Dolce & Gabbana. Because Scarlett Johansson makes out with smooth-nippled statues, so buy this makeup.
* * *
Know someone who could use a little instruction on the finer points of looking good and living right? Share these lessons and change a life.
(For a historical look at past trends, feel free to check out past issues: here, here, and here.)
How to Live the J. Crew Life: 6 Easy Ways
March 14, 2013 § 57 Comments
It’s no secret: You already know that sometimes I fantasize about living the life I see in the J. Crew catalog.
This week, while browsing for something to wear in this 40-degrees-at-breakfast / 70-at-lunch weather, I got caught up in pondering just what I’d have to do to pull off this lifestyle on a daily basis. There’s a lot to it, but none of it’s all that hard. I think I’ve got the hang of it:
* * *
1. Embrace bedhead. This looks a lot like how my hair just naturally is, but you can also create this look on purpose. What you do is put lots of time and product and effort into styling your hair nice and smooth, and then you sort of take your open palm and noogie-noogie-noogie it all crazy on the crown of your head and then go.
![It adds an interesting pop of contrast to fancy outfits. Like, if you’re going to Easter brunch, but you don’t want to look all prim and fussy, just mess up the hair. Because then the whole look together says, “Yes, I went to church this morning. And then I rolled around on the floor for while. [Wink] Pass the biscuits.”](http://imissyouwheniblink.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/slide1.jpg)
Bedhead adds an interesting bit of contrast to fancy outfits. Like, if you’re going to brunch, but you don’t want to look all prim and fussy, just mess up the hair. Because then the whole look together says, “Yes, I went to church this morning. And then I rolled around on the floor for while. [wink] Pass the biscuits?”
It’s also great for casual daytime looks. Like, “Um, hey, whatever, is there like a wireless signal in here or whatever? Whatever.”
* * *
2. Eschew perfection. Always leave one element of your outfit screwed up or half done. Like tucking the back of your dress into your thong, except preppier.
Here’s how to do this one: Put on the blouse, add a perfectly-fitted blazer, go find the necklace, put on the necklace, re-adjust the clasp of the necklace so it falls just so under your top button, noogie-noogie-noogie your hair, then – BAM – flip up one side of the collar, because what the hell, this world is an imperfect place and we’re all going to die someday.
The black-and-white lines in the blouse suggest symmetry and order, but the half-tucked sweater suggests you may or may not have attempted to button your cardigan to your crotch because the sky is the limit and fuck the rules.
* * *
3. Cultivate a mysterious expression. There’s lots of room for creativity here. The gist is that you don’t want to stick with the basics: happy, sad, mad, etc. You want to come up with something quirky, an unusual combo of emotions. Like, murderously vapid. Or playfully depressed. Or adorably vegetarian. You get the idea.
Curiously stoned
Impishly secretive
* * *
4. Always be touching. Too close for comfort? Nonsense. If you’ve got on a great outfit, let everyone know it by sidling up to the closest other person in a great outfit and touching them, creating an electric charge that radiates for all to see.
Weddings are fun. They’re even more fun when all the bridesmaids are attached at the hip. Or the shoulder. Or the knee. Or the forehead.
The beach is a great place to find other Crew-babes and invade their personal space. Note the touching pinkies. That’s subtle, yet assertive.
* * *
5. Keep ‘em guessing at the office. Can women have it all? Is there such a thing as balance? Is that the glass ceiling or did someone play a prank on us with Saran Wrap? Who knows, but one thing’s for sure: The J. Crew way is to keep things wacky at work.
Start every board meeting with this look. It says, “I’d like to outline a 6-point plan for excellence around here, but first I want to tell you about the dream I had last night where I drugged all of you and ate your spleens.”
Sunglasses indoors. Always. You can tell this is a work environment because of the clock. Only offices have clocks, because once you leave work, the world is just a funky continuum, free of artificial constructs like hours and minutes.
* * *
6. Jump, and you’ll look better. It’s fine to do just a half-leap, but if you really want to grab the world by the balls, launch into a full ballet jeté in the next crowded place you go, because why not.
![Every time someone looks at me from now on out, I'm going to jump. And then what they'll say is, "Wow. You are so stylish. Did you get those striped sequin cafe-fit capris at J. Crew?" And I will be like, "You're damn right I did. [Jump]"](http://imissyouwheniblink.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/slide11.jpg)
Every time someone looks at me from now on out, I’m going to jump. And then what they’ll say is, “Wow. You are so stylish. Did you get those striped sequin cafe-fit capris at J. Crew?” And I will be like, “You’re damn right I did. [Jump]“
And that’s how you do it.
(All pictures are from the J. Crew catalog. Obviously.)
Can’t Repeat the Past? Why, Of Course You Can… With a Badass Theme Party
February 25, 2013 § 25 Comments
Is anyone else counting the days until The Great Gatsby movie comes out? Have you watched these trailers 40 billion times?
No? Just me, then? OK.
One of the reasons I’m so excited for this Baz Luhrmann flick is that it just LOOKS so good. Visually, I mean. Beautiful people in beautiful outfits walking around in beautiful settings, all vintage-fabulous. Plus, it’s got that nerd-cachet, what with being an adaptation of a great book. Very much my cup of tea. Or glass of prohibition-era moonshine, as it were.
Anyway, what I hope most of all is that someone will have an over-the-top Great Gatsby party to celebrate the premiere and invite me. Because if there’s one thing I love, it’s a bygone-era theme party. Also, I really want to turn around and go, “Gatsby? What Gatsby?” every time someone walks into the party.
A few years ago, to celebrate the start of the third season of Mad Men, we hosted a Mad Men party (yeah, us and every other household in America, whatever). It was, if I may say so, legendary — as were the hangovers that followed it. From the bar to the food to the music to the behavior (the hundreds of Parliaments masquerading as Lucky Strikes in my mother’s antique silver cigarette boxes were supposed to be props, but tell that to a bunch of drunk Don Drapers) … it was the party to shame all parties we’d ever had before. And the outfits – oh my word, the outfits.
^ I wanted to recreate that scene for the party, but I ultimately decided against it, because (a) guns at a party, and (b) filmy peignoir set in public.
We haven’t had a Downton Abbey party, but only because we just finished watching seasons one through three last week. Give us time.
Honestly, although Lady Mary always looks to-die, I’ll probably dress as one of the maids, because I really like those little caps and aprons. Plus the maids have better props, and I’m partial to a get-up with props, if you know what I mean… which is that I like to carry a tea tray.
Now, to be honest, not every attempt at theme-dressing has been such a smashing success. When my husband and I moved into our first house, we were a good bit younger than all the responsible, child-rearing adult neighbors around us and didn’t know a soul. So we were tickled to be invited to join the neighborhood supper club. As we understood it, the group met every other month at someone’s house for dinner, and there was always a theme. A THEME!
So, fast-forward a few weeks. Our first supper club invitation arrived in our mailbox: Please join your neighbors for dinner this Saturday evening. And dress accordingly… it’s a Disco Inferno.
![DISCO INFERNO! [Cue me, hyperventilating with excitement.]](http://imissyouwheniblink.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/discoball.jpg)
DISCO INFERNO! [Cue me, hyperventilating with excitement.]
Night of the party: We made our way up the driveway of the party house. (The neighbors are going to love us, aren’t they? Oh, they totally are.)
We rang the doorbell.
A man answered the door.
The man stared us up and down. “You must be the new neighbors,” he said.
We looked at him, in his khakis and polo shirt, then looked past him, to the living room where EVERYONE WAS IN SWEATER SETS AND BUTTON-DOWN SHIRTS LIKE IT WAS JUST A NORMAL FUCKING DAY.
So, yeah. Unspoken rule of supper club? Nobody ever dressed up.
Except us that one time. Because when we embarrass ourselves, we do it UP. Go big or go home.
Anyway. That’s one reason I’m super excited for the Gatsby movie. I am already planning the outfit. I just need the party.
(See? I have always loved a theme party. I don’t know what the occasion was here, other than my mom and my aunts thinking it would be funny to doll me up in someone’s slinky dancing dress and pose me in front of the piano like I’m a lounge act, but this is the first recorded evidence I have of me in theme-wear.)
* * *
On a completely unrelated note, for those of you who are into the penguins: The Random Penguins Shop is now open on Etsy. Get your birds on paper! There are currently 10 varieties of notecards available — as well as multi-packs of stationery, which make a nice little gift for your weirder friends — with more possibly to be added in the future.
Fashion Is Taking Women Down
February 18, 2013 § 35 Comments
In my research for an upcoming column on magazine ads and spring fashion (oh yes, we’re going there again), I spotted an alarming trend — one that needs to be addressed before we talk about anything else: Fashion seems to be causing women to collapse.
I don’t mean economically collapse or morally collapse or anything deep and metaphorical like that. I mean, chicks are literally falling down. Look what all these hot new outfits are doing to the women who wear them:
(Pardon the bad photography, by the way. I was just snapping pics while reading my latest issue of Elle magazine.)
* * *
It starts with a little stumble. “Hey, do you guys like my new jeans? I’m just going to sit down here on this ch… this cha… Oh, help me, someone, I’m so weak…”
* * *
Then there’s the denial phase. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just going to lean on this wall here. Everything’s fine. Sure, my legs went out from under me, but whatevs, this dress is spanktabulous, so suck it, everybody wearing last year’s sundress.”
* * *
Before long, there’s no choice but to hit the ground. “Dammit, where did that floor come from? Who put a mirror there? Are those my legs? Is my thigh really that thin? Or do I have an arm growing out of my ass where a leg should be? Why can’t I get up?”
* * *
It could happen to anyone. Even Kate Hudson. “I’ve fallen. And I’m not talking about the fact that once upon a time I was Penny Lane in Almost Famous and it was totally the greatest movie ever and now I’m stuck doing Ann Taylor ads. I mean I can’t get up off this chaise. Is my head still attached? Is this my face?”
* * *
It could even happen on a boat. “You guys? Hey, you guys. Back here. I’m feeling kind of dizzy. OK, fine — you gals keep an eye out for dry land. I’ll just be right here, resting and floofing out my hair while no one looks at me.”
* * *
You can only hope to be among good friends when it happens. “Oh, Veronique, did you stumble backwards again? Here, you rest on Natasha’s knees and I’ll take your purse and go get you a Diet Coke.”
* * *
If you’re lucky, you’ll land right on your friend’s tropically-clad crotch. “Hey, Marguerite, take my purse, will you? This outfit has knocked me flat out. I think I need a Diet Coke.”
* * *
If you’re unlucky, well… you end up like these girls. “But Lady Dracula, this shoe-shine thing hurts my neck, and Delphine doesn’t look too comfortable either. Why won’t you take my purse and go get me a Diet Coke?”
* * *
In the end, it can feel downright hopeless. “DAMMIT, Renee, don’t just stand there all slumpy and morose. Can’t you see my legs have frozen this way? I gave you my little red purse — now go GET ME A FREAKING DIET COKE. Renee? Renee?”
So ladies, the lesson from the fashion industry is this: Always look good. But not too good. Or you’ll end up paralyzed and helpless.
* * *
PS: Hey gang. A reader (Amy from Kid-Free Living - who’s pretty damn funny herself) nominated the Blink for a Top 25 Humor Blogs listing. I think what you do is follow this link, then scroll waaaay down to the listing for I Miss You When I Blink and click “like” on it to vote. Y’all know I feel kind of weird asking for votes, so don’t fret if you don’t have time; but if you like clicking things, feel free. And THANK YOU, Amy! That was awfully kind.
Here it is: Skinny Scoop Top 25 Humor Blogs
Kardashians: Kard Kopiers?
December 18, 2012 § 23 Comments
Dammit, not again. Every year, these people pull this. The Kardashians copy my Christmas card.
I don’t know how they’re doing it; but they’re sneaking ideas straight out of my brain before I even have a chance to act on them.
Here’s a glimpse at their card, as reported by Go Fug Yourself:
Now. Let me just tell you what was going through my mind when *I* cooked up the idea for *our* family card.
I was like, “So, here’s the plan: Everyone wear white, because it’s virginal, and Christmas is a time for miracles. Nobody wear socks. Everyone hold a glass of champagne, even the babies. Nah, scratch that – not the babies, they always waste the champagne. In the back, we’ll have a DJ, so it looks like we’re having a party, symbolizing that every day is a celebration in the metaphorical club known as life. As a prop, we’ll put a white pussycat in a box, suggesting through subtle visual cues our message that sexuality cannot be fully explored until one is willing to open up repressed notions and cross racial barriers. Everyone with a nice big ass stands up; everyone with a medium ass sits down.”
Then LO AND BEHOLD, look who comes out with the SAME. DAMN. THING.
THIEVES, I tell you.
Penguins of Our Lives
November 12, 2012 § 43 Comments
At the risk of revealing a little too much about how my mind works (or doesn’t), I have to admit something.
I can’t stop drawing penguins.
Ever since we talked about “Random Penguins,” I keep thinking of, well, random penguins. In the carpool line, waiting for my coffee order, when I’m supposed to be working, before I fall asleep… I draw penguins. On my phone. With my finger.
Maybe if I share a few of them here, I’ll get it out of my system, and then I can quit. Here goes:
Angelina Jolie penguin.
* * *
Went and got some Lululemon and damn if she doesn’t walk around in little stretchy skirts all the time now like someone might just lob a tennis ball at her at any moment in the grocery store.
* * *
Hipster penguin knew about that band before you did, mainstream loserface.
* * *
“Sheeeeee-it, I love America.”
* * *
Hot guy.
When the hot guy already has a girlfriend, so you ask, “Does he have a brother?” and your friend goes, “Yes, a TWIN brother,” and in the ideal scenario, it turns out they’re identical:
But come on. In real life, you know how it turns out. They’re fraternal.
* * *
Too busy telling penguin jokes on Twitter to interact with other penguins.
* * *
He pulls out a pack of ciggies, and everyone’s like, “Dude, who still SMOKES? That’s so 90s.” And then he puffs a few perfect-O circles, and everyone’s like, “That is soooooo cool.”
* * *
This is that girl who thinks she’s totally pulling off the bold red lip for everyday. But she’s totally not.
* * *
Carl tells everyone all about his vasectomy at parties. Gross, Carl.
* * *
“My friends all rave about Spanx. Personally, I don’t wear them. But my friends do.”
* * *
The great thing about Botox is that it really does allow freedom of natural facial expressions.
* * *
1: Cut a hole in the box. 2: Put your beak in the box…
Tip of the iceberg, my friends.
The Stunning News No One Saw Coming
September 7, 2012 § 17 Comments
Here’s the deal: I’m about to rock your world.
I’m going to tell you a secret.
It just so happens that I’m on an “exclusive” list of “insiders” who receive emails from a major department store. Not only do I get a heads-up before every sale, but according to these emails, I am also getting “premier access” to early word on the trends. I (and the million or so other people whose email addresses are in this system, whatever) am the FIRST TO KNOW the next hot new thing.
(Probably, I’m supposed to type in some code that makes my computer self-destruct after I read this classified information; but fuck that, I’m telling the Internet. It’s time we blow the world of fashion secrets wide open.)
So here it is — I just got a personal email (which I know was personal, because it had my very own name on it) announcing what everyone will know soon: THE must-have garment for Fall 2012. This is going to be big. I thought after the Sequin Boom of 2010 and the Neon Renaissance of 2011, nothing could surprise me, but I was wrong. This is major.
Honestly, right now, I can’t even wrap my brain around what those out-of-the-box visionaries are doing up in their wacky lofts of art and design. The muse has gone rogue.
I mean, basically you are going to need to take everything you know about how to dress for fall and just throw it out the window. Right through the glass. Then go outside, walk around to the ground under the window, find where you threw it, and spit on it. And then say, “You are DEAD to me, old fall knowledge.” And throw your burning cigarette on it and then mash it out with your heel. Maybe mutter something in Italian, that would be a nice touch. Because it’s time to forget everything you ever knew about clothing and cool weather.
OK, are you ready?
No, seriously. Ready?
Because this shit is going to blow your mind.
Breaking news: The newest trend in fall apparel is…
Sweet mother of Coco Chanel, no one could have seen this coming.
Jackets.
For FALL.
Truth in Advertising: 10 Lessons of Fall
August 21, 2012 § 13 Comments
A new season is just around the bend, ladies and gentlemen, and you know what that means: a fresh set of life rules to be gained from our favorite fashion magazines, especially from the advertising.
I’ve studied the new ad campaigns closely, and I can tell you they cover it all — everyday safety, overcoming social anxiety, mingling betwixt the sexes, personal comportment, autumnal leisure, and, as always, instructions on how to be sexy.*
(* I was once told that as long as you feel sexy, you are sexy; but the thing is, that’s a lie. If it were true, it would be sexy to tuck one’s pajama pants into cowboy boots and wear them to Office Depot or to point out misspellings on a stranger’s iPhone screen over their shoulder. But guess what? No one finds those things sexy. Or so I hear.)
So anyway. Here are the top 10 take-aways from the new fall ads:
1. Fashion is no match for a kidnapper with a sultry gaze.
A belted unitard with a peek of brassiere is not the weapon you think it is, ladies. Enroll in a self-defense class, or this will be you.
* * *
2. All the fun happens on trains.
The Crazy-Hat Express departs the station at noon, and these bitches are ready to play some strip bridge. Pass the twinkies and absinthe, Alice.
* * *
3. The ones touching their faces are the ones wearing the high-quality makeup.
They are also the ones with alien hands who don’t have knuckle-wrinkles.
* * *
4. It’s hard to stand up in leather.
In fact, if you have on any leather at all, you will be unable to resist the urge to stretch out and support yourself on the nearest surface.
Or even the ground.
* * *
5. Men resent having to wear cologne.
Doesn’t matter how many vixens drape themselves half-conscious across you, does it, buddy? You smell like lemon blossoms and squirrel musk. You’re pissed, and we don’t blame you.
* * *
6. There’s a fine line between accessorized and overdone.
Here’s when you know you’re right at that line and about to cross it: chin strap.
* * *
7. Girls night out always needs one guy.
Sometimes you just need to cut through all that estrogen by inviting a man along on ladies night. Just a good ol’ regular dude who’s like, “I’ll hold your foot! Let’s share chapstick! Which one of your earrings unscrews and has a teeny weeny pile of cocaine in it? That one? YAY!”
* * *
8. Either you know how this works, or you don’t.
All the cools go hunting when fall comes, natch. Must haves: elbow patches, tweed, boots, saddles, belts upon belts, and one superfly child/midget up on a table. How does it all go down? Skippy tips his newsboy cap to signal Vanessa, who whips out a riding crop, only to have Tony Socks-a-Lot snipe at her for getting the occasion wrong (“It’s a foxhunt, ‘Nessa, not a fucking dressage event,” eye roll). Jeff runs a driving glove through his ringlets and hollers, “Everyone with decorative leather accents, to the meadow!” and that’s when it really gets interesting.
* * *
9. It’s all about attitude.
Think you can’t? Yes, you CAN. Practice in a mirror: “I am aloof. I wear black. I make the rules.” Now just drive your motorcycle right on into the museum and dry-hump the back of the young countess. Her friends won’t mind.
* * *
10. The best way to showcase a fantastic handbag is by reclining and placing it just in front of your crotch.
It’s ALWAYS sexy.
See? Always sexy.
Always. Sexy.
Always se-WHOA.
Never mind.
(If you’re still trying to eek out a decent life in the last few weeks of summer but never consulted the fashion ads to learn how, it’s probably too late for you, but you can always try here.)
Vacation Etiquette
July 5, 2012 § 9 Comments
This goes out to the people in the background of everyone’s vacation photos.
We need to talk about manners. Specifically, this: When visiting somewhere, particularly somewhere beautiful or pleasant, please consider that other people’s eyes and ears are taking in the scenery with you in it.
Let’s work through the idea with some examples, shall we?
1. When that couple who has saved up for 30 years to take an anniversary trip finally make it to Venice, and they stand on the Piazza San Marco hand-in-hand, what they see before them makes up a mental photo (or quite possibly an actual photo) they’ll keep forever. In their field of vision are the iconic domes of the Basilica… and the flocks of pigeons taking off into the afternoon sky… and you in your sweatpants that proclaim your ass to be “Juicy.”
No one came all the way to Italy to see your juicy ass.
Not to curtail your freedom or whatever, but would it kill you to go with the plain sweatpants? Maybe even some non-sweatpants, like… pants-pants. Just pants. Normal pants, America. That’s all.
2. When you throw on your “Veterinarians Are Doggone Sexy” T-shirt for a stroll along the streets of a pretty town – let’s say some sweet little coastal spot – you’re hijacking the setting.
The folks around you might be trying to absorb a little of the local lifestyle. But instead of noticing the sun glimmering through the Spanish moss or the smell of the fresh seafood, their senses will be derailed by your shirt. They’ll find themselves wondering, “Is ‘doggone’ really a word?” and “Wait. Are veterinarians sexy? Why isn’t my veterinarian sexy? Is that guy actually a veterinarian? He’s not sexy. His shirt lies.”
3. You are going sightseeing today. I am also going sightseeing today. We are going to be in each other’s peripheral vision all afternoon.
And the thing is, I just want to look at this nice old building – not at your Hello Kitty backpack, you GROWN WOMAN WEARING A HELLO KITTY BACKPACK.
Suggestion: If you must remind yourself of your important mantras in writing every day, maybe you could embroider “Hello to all the kitties” on the inside of your sleeve, so you could just look at it quietly from time to time. Or you could slip a card in your pocket that reads, “Veterinarians are sexy, and so am I.” Or you could get a friend to write, “This is very juicy” on your backside with a sharpie. Then you could still be juicy, but you could keep your juiciness to yourself, so that everyone around you can enjoy what they actually came to see. See how that works?
Consider, too, the people who live in the place you’re visiting. Yes, their economy may be largely supported by your tourist dollars, but does that mean they like seeing their hometown overrun by throngs of nerds in Reeboks with cameras around their necks?
You might, perhaps, step off to the side to consult your map discreetly, instead of standing in the middle of the street ignoring traffic to scrutinize your iPhone while yelling, “Do you guys know where we can get some grist? What? Grits? Oh, Frank, it’s GRITS. THEY CALL THEM GRITS. GRRRIIITTTTSSSS.”
Because then you’ve got the rest of us wanting to give Frank fake directions to a dead-end alley where they serve meth and rusty forks and random acts of violence instead of grits.
When he gets there, he’ll likely run into Miss Juicy herself, who was sent to the same alley when she hollered in an ancient church, “DOES THIS TOWN HAVE STARBUCKS? I NEEEEED SOME STARBUUUUCKS.”
Shhh.
Also, if you have two perfectly good legs for walking and you’re traveling in a buzzing flock of Segways, you should be prepared to be pushed into a river.
Hold the Doritos: 5 Swimwear Trends to Resist
May 30, 2012 § 5 Comments
It’s an annual lesson of summertime – and we’re reminded of it at the beach, by the pool, and in dressing rooms across the country: The fact that something exists doesn’t necessarily mean it should be worn.
There’s a wide, wide, oh-so-unfortunately wide variety of styles available in swimwear. Everyone has their own opinion, and I’ve learned there are some things I like neither to wear nor to look at. To the buyers and makers of bathing suits, I hereby suggest 5 trends the world could do without:
1. Hardware
OK, I know not everyone agrees on this, but hear me out. If I wanted to wear a medallion, I’d wear one on a chain like a normal mobster. I don’t need one sewn into the center of my suit as a cleavage-ornament. For one thing, it chafes. For another, even if you don’t have sensitive skin, think about this: do you want rust or tarnish anywhere on your body, especially on the parts covered by your bathing suit? It may be a smart marketing strategy by the designers – metal heats up in the sun, and before you know it, you’ve got a logo seared onto your skin – but when branding turns into branding, it’s going too far.
2. Pool-Jewels
Along that same line, there’s a certain level of ornamentation that’s subtle and sensible enough for a day in the sun and water. (A nice, light pair of earrings, perhaps?) But then there are pool-jewels. We’re talking shoulder-duster earrings, big ol’ gumball-size necklaces, and bracelets halfway up the arm. First of all, don’t those get hot? Second, wouldn’t they cause some goofy-ass tan lines? Third, if you don’t want the weird tan lines, you’d have to wear sunscreen – and how do you clean all the SPF-50 slime out of your pool-jewels?
3. Monokinis
If an 11-year-old in fashion design camp came up with this, I would give her a sticker and tell her she’s super-creative. And then I would give her a cookie and send her outside for some fresh air. And then I’d accidentally spill red Gatorade all over her design and, whoops-a-daisy, also cram it down the sink and turn on the disposal.
Monokinis. Not just for people with mono anymore.
4. Micro-Bottoms
All in favor of teeny-weeny bikinis, say aye. Aye! All not in favor of trying to have a conversation with a person while she’s wearing what appears to be a tropical-themed maxipad tied on with a shoelace, say, please GOD make it stop. There’s a line, and it’s being crossed too often. Literally. The line is horizontal and it’s your c-section scar. Bathing suit designers, I beg you, when you draw the pattern for bikini bottoms, make that triangle bigger than a Dorito. Helpful tips: 1. If any part of the actual reproductive system is visible, it’s too small. 2. If it’s the size of the tiny American-flag-on-a-toothpick stabbed into a club sandwich, it’s too small. 3. If it could double as a festive eye-patch, it’s too small.
5. SpongeBob CircleBoobs
Last week, I was about to try on a suit when I had a moment of total panic. I picked up the top and thought for a second that the woman who tried it on before me had accidentally left both of her breasts in it.
There are pads the size of teacup Chihuahuas implanted in some otherwise very cute suits. Regardless of whether you like this look (circular throw-pillows on your bosom), there’s a problem with how these suits work in action: Those big, round pads soak up more liquid than a ShamWow. So, you get out of the water; you dry off; but your cups still runneth over with ocean. There is NO delicate way to resolve this situation. You can’t wring them out without taking your top off (which I’ve learned is frowned upon at a lot of beaches because it’s not “family friendly” or whatever). And you can’t just reach up and grab your Chihuahuas and squeeze them out like kitchen sponges, because that’s horrifying for fellow beachgoers to witness. So then what? You just leave them be? You walk around totally dry except for your top, which stays soggy all day? That seems like a health hazard of some sort.
That’s right, this is health advice, too.
By the way – sorry, fellas. This is a kind of a girl-centric post. You may not even agree with it. If you’re shaking your fists to the sky in argument, hollering, “NO! I love metal hardware and padded suits and Dorito-kinis!” then I apologize. Frankly, though, it’s probably a miracle if you’re even still reading this.
If you are, you should get a medal.
(But not sewn to your bathing suit.)
