October Can Bite Me
October 4, 2013 § 29 Comments
October-love is in the air. Everyone’s all, “Leaves! Crisp air! Scarves! Football! Pumpkins! Halloween! Fall! Fall! Fall!”
Look, it’s not so much that I’m full of active, seething hatred for fall. I like wearing boots and plaid and leather and all that. I enjoy a nice butternut squash soup. I’ll come around to the season, eventually — I always do. But I’m never quite ready for it.
I love summer. Love, love, love it. Summer is happy-time. Summer is waking up late and going to bed later and wearing a bathing suit all day and watching my kids relax without freaking out about homework and going to the beach and making pimiento cheese and beer for “dinner” and visiting friends and generally just going a little slower. Summer is my season. I cling to it like a hysterical toddler hanging on to the car door as the teacher pulls him out on the first day of preschool carpool. NOOO, DON’T MAKE ME LEAVE SUMMER. I DON’T WANT TO GO INTO FALL.
Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this problem:
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Where I live, October doesn’t look like fall just yet. Our leaves change in November. So it’s not a picture-postcard time of year like it is in places where people are having orgasms over trees. Therefore, I do not currently have the fever for foliage. That said, the trees are looking a little dry and crunchy, and the light is changing, so you can tell summer is over. It’s the end of something, but not quite the beginning of something else. It may not really be fall yet, but it’s definitely not summer anymore.
2. Crisp air!
OK, the cooler weather is kind of nice. It’s pleasant not to be sweating at 8 a.m. But here’s the thing about sweating at 8 a.m.: When it’s morbidly hot outside, at least you know it’s summer. The cool air, refreshing or not, is mocking me and rubbing not-summer in my face.
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I don’t know – come November, I might be in a scarf mood. I’m just not there yet. Scarves make me angry right now. Scarves rob the world of that summer vibe. THAT’S RIGHT, SCARVES. YOU ARE THIEVING ASSHOLES.
I don’t get football. Never have. Wish I could. Just can’t. But since everyone around me loves it, football season is a lonely time for me.
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As a food, I’m all for ‘em. Pumpkin muffins, I am at peace with you. As a decorative onslaught, however… I like pumpkins less. See below.
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OK, are we in a safe place? Can I say this? Here it is: I don’t really like Halloween. I know… I don’t know what’s wrong with me that makes me this way. I usually love decorating for a theme. At Christmas, I string up twinkly lights from here to eternity until my house looks like it’s having an electric seizure. But Halloween decorations are… ugly. Is that OK to say? Because dammit, they are hideous. Yes, I will hang little ghosties in the trees and leave the rotting pumpkin out on the porch, because the little people in my house like those things. But I just want someone to know: Deep inside, I don’t like it. I don’t like orange or vampires or fake corpses or that SPIDERWEB SHIT THAT GETS TANGLED IN THE SHRUBS AND NEVER COMES OUT.
Hooo, lordy — it feels good to get that out. Thanks for listening.
(PS: As long as we’re being candid, I’m sorry, but the truth is that I’d rather eat a handful of crayons than a single candy corn. They’re like the rotten little wax teeth of a devilbaby made of candles.)
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In other news -
- My latest piece over at Barnes & Noble is about the scary kids lurking in classic children’s books. Just some silliness. (How great is the kid they put in the picture? She’s totally hamming it up. I love it.)
- I’m hooked on this song right now. I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve been thinking about Halloween (for all I know, the song is actually about heroin), but I think it might be about a Frankenstein’s Sexy Lady Monster. It’s a little weird, but I dig it. Andrew Bird’s “Fake Palindromes”: