Pardon Me If I Don’t Click That
September 9, 2013 § 18 Comments
The following are subjects I am no longer interested in seeing in my newsfeed, thankyouverymuch:
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1. Sad Animals
I love animals. I have a house full of them: baby ones, elderly ones, sick ones, healthy ones. Usually dogs, but sometimes the occasional crab or cat or other thing on a temporary basis. (I’m always adopting frogs with mental problems. I had one named Peeve who jumped into a furnace and fried himself and one named Snowflake who starved himself to death.) I am a friend of creatures and creature-causes, believe me. But I CANNOT look at pictures of mangy, bony, hollow-eyed puppies sitting on a concrete shelter floor smeared with their own excrement. Viewing that kind of horror doesn’t change whether or not I have room for another dog right now. All it does is make me hate humanity and want to stab myself in the eyes. Go play your Sarah McLachlan for someone else. I can’t do this.
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2. Lists Pointing Out “Common Mistakes”
See also: parenting articles, e.g. “There’s No Way Not To Fail When Raising Daughters” or “Top 5 Ways To Ruin Your Son.” I don’t need an article to tell me how badly I’m parenting; I already suspect I’m fucking it up six ways to Sunday. In fact, I am fully, 100% confident in my ability to do most things wrong. Seriously. I got this. Wrongness = covered. To read an article about it would just be redundant. Plus, I’d probably read it wrong. No, thanks.
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3. Posts Presented With “Get Your Tissues Ready…”
Also known as, “This One Will Make You Cry.” Why in the name of TIGER SPIT would anyone want to see something that’s introduced that way? Who wants crying? Who gets up in the morning and says, “Hey, you know what this day needs? Some weeping.” – ? Show me something that leads with, “This’ll Make You Laugh Until Your Face Explodes.” That, I want to see.
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4. Anything Referring To “Slut-Shaming”
This is a hot-button topic, but I’m getting tired of seeing that term on my screen every 10 seconds. [Exception: This funny bit by my buddy Whitney, which is worth it.] Is there really anything left to say on the subject? I mean, make no mistake – I stand with the sluts. I’m against shaming anyone, for that matter. But you know what, sluts and other shame-prone individuals? Screw the shamers. (Settle down, sluts — that’s just an expression.) How about we all just ignore the sanctimonious shame-shovelers and not be ashamed? What if we each embrace our own ideal personal level of sluttiness and leave others to theirs? Maybe dial the whoredom up or down a notch or two until you feel comfortable with yourself, whatever. Fuck shame. (Again, just an expression, sluts.) The end.
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5. “If You ‘Like’ This Post, Something Miraculous Will Happen”
If I click “like” on some photo, then… nothing. Nothing will happen. The internet is not magic. Slapping the “like” button will not cure a baby’s cancer, bring a soldier home to his bride, or get a weird kid a prom date. If it could, you can bet your ass I’d be all, “If You ‘Like’ This Photo Of Me Wearing Paper Wings, I’ll Gain The Ability To Fly” and use up all the magic on myself. Because I’m selfish.
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There. Now you understand if I don’t add my digital thumbs-up to something, it’s not because I’m making a personal statement against your cause. There are some things I just don’t feel like looking at. OK? OK.
Anyway, I’m not shaming these things, I’m just… Well. Yes, I am. I guess I’m shaming them. Forgive me. I’m terribly ashamed.