6 Pep Talks For Various Purposes
August 27, 2013 § 13 Comments
I was never a cheerleader.
Well… technically, I was. But only very briefly. I went to practice for about a week. Then one day, they announced that it was time to decide which girl would be the one who would be thrown ass-over-elbows into the air for crazy tricks and such. All eyes turned to me, the scrawniest individual in the room. And that was about the time I said, “Fuck this shit, I’m going back to Latin Club.”
But despite my lack of experience, I still like to shake the metaphorical pom-poms, by which I mean I enjoy giving a pep talk. If you know someone who needs perking up, perhaps you could use one of these:
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1. If Someone Has Been Fired
“Man, it was about time for you to move on from that job. You’re finally FREE! Now you have some delicious choices to make: Are you going to take some time off? Or are you ready to jump right into a new job?
And either way, are we going to slash your former boss’s tires, or are we going to poison his cat? Does his wife know about his taste for young assistants? Should we tell her by anonymous letter or by Snapchat? This is going to be GREAT.
The world is your oyster, my friend. Your oyster atop a delicious pilaf of revenge. Enjoy the fresh start, and don’t tell anyone where you got this advice.”
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2. If Someone Has Been Dumped
“It happens. But all this crying is really weird and awkward, so either you get a hold of yourself, or I’m going to have to go stand outside. OK? OK.
Now. I want you to write this on a piece of paper: It just didn’t work.
Next, I want you to flip that paper over and make a list of everything about that person that bothered you: their stupid ringtone, the way they slobbered all over your nostrils when kissing you as if anyone wants their NOSE LICKED, how they mispronounced ‘chipotle,’ their persistent douchebaggery, etc. Memorize that list, so that when you start to get nostalgic and weepy, you can remind yourself of why you’re glad this is over. Now tape the list to the sail of a little toy boat, drop that boat down a sewer grate, and watch it float away in the river of shit where it belongs.
Now. [If the person is female -->] Buy a pair of heels that, as your mom would say, ‘send the wrong message,’ and a killer bra that makes you look like a sculpture of a slutty but also extremely intelligent goddess. You’ll need those when you’re back out there, enjoying the company of a dude who’s actually worth your time. [If the person is male -->] Go set some stuff on fire. Perhaps all the stuff she left at your house. Bam. Closure.”
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3. If Someone Accidentally Dropped Their Hermit Crab Into the Garbage Disposal
“Oh, Jesus. That was bad. Your little crustacean is all ground up with the rest of your leftover mussels from Seafood Night. God help me, that’s just horrible.
But everyone makes mistakes. It’s what makes us human. Which is too bad for crabs, that they have to be owned by humans. But anyway. I want you to say this out loud: I made a mistake. I will not make it again. There. You admit it, you own it, you move past it.
Think of it this way: François was a fantastic crab. He lived large. He ate whole grapes like a boss. He didn’t do anything halfway. And he wouldn’t have wanted to die in a lame fashion. You sent that crab off in a blaze of glory (because of, you know, the sparks when the disposal blades hit his shell). It’s how he would have wanted things to end. So way to go, you dream maker, you. Let’s go buy a goldfish.”
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4. If Someone Feels Ugly
“Go get a roll of Scotch tape. Great. Now, fold your ears forward and tape them that way. Tape your nose up to your forehead so it makes pig nostrils. Tape your bottom lip down to your chin. Tape your eyelids open. Look in the mirror: You look pretty bad, right? Now… take off all the tape! LOOK HOW GREAT YOU LOOK.
You can always name somebody who has better [fill in the feature] than you. Nobody’s perfect. That’s a good thing. If you were perfect, you’d be a robot. Everyone talks a big game about liking robots, but no one really wants to be friends with one. So don’t compare yourself to anyone EVER. Comparison is poison. Don’t do it.
Seriously. You are a beautiful child of this crazy planet, and if anyone’s making you feel like you’re not, don’t hang out with them. You’re a smokin’ hot badass.”
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5. If Someone Has Totally Embarrassed Themselves
“Ohhh. So you sent a godawful email and accidentally copied 50 extra people on it? Spilled a drink precisely on your crotch two seconds before your blind date walked into the bar? Hey, who hasn’t? In fact, the best thing I know to do in this situation is to share with you some of my own embarrassments, so you won’t feel so bad. Pick which story you want to hear:
- The time I went to work hungover, wearing shoes of two totally different colors and heel heights and didn’t realize it until the end of the day after about 8 meetings.
- The time I went to a parent-teacher conference wearing a T-shirt reading ‘PARNASSUS BOOKS’ under a jacket which was unzipped just enough that it appeared I was wearing a shirt reading, ‘ASS’… and didn’t find out until washing my hands in front of a mirror afterward.
- The time I couldn’t figure out how to exit a parking deck, so I panicked and ended up off-roading over a concrete barrier to escape and scraping most of the paint off my car.
I could go on. But let’s start with those. Feeling better yet? Good. My stupidity is a healing balm. Bask in it.”
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6. If Someone Has a General Sense of Malaise or Discontent That Is Not Covered By The Above Pep Talks
If none of those pep talks fit the occasion — or if none of them worked — then it’s time to pull out every last stop you’ve got:
A dog. Pushing another dog. In a grocery cart. YOU’RE WELCOME.
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In other news: I’m dishing out relationship advice (shut up) in a new article called 5 Things You Need To Know About Dating a Book Nerd. If you’d like to wallow in nerd-love, feel free to click on over to Barnes & Noble. Thanks, friends!