The Dream Team
August 19, 2013 § 6 Comments
I had a dream the other night.
This is what my brain comes up with when I’m sleeping. Not nice song lyrics, or pretty dreams about colors, or sexy life-or-death spy adventures featuring Matt Damon and a waterfall and a canoe and a bad-but-not-too-bad injury where one of us needs a tourniquet and the only thing available is the other person’s shirt and sometimes an injured person just needs the kind of comfort another human body can provide (OK, sometimes that), or even nightmares about quicksand or communists. But this –
* * *
IN MY DREAM, three great animals of the Internet came together to fight evil. Like the Super Friends, but weirder and better. And in this dream, whenever these three unlikely heroes would walk onto the scene (slow-motion style, natch) to fight some crime, the first few bars of this song would play:
Go ahead and click ^ that, because you’ll probably want the full sound effects playing as you meet…
THE CRIME FIGHTIN’ MOFOS EXTRAORDINAIRE
Here’s how they work:
Incognito Olinguito is sly and surprisingly vicious. His superweapons are his own hands, and his talent is walking among humanity completely invisible until it’s time to wreak havoc on the bad guys. When he does, no one stands a chance against his knife-fingers, which can slice his foes up chiffonade-style in seconds.
Unnecessary Otter (created by the amazing Hazel Hayes) is a smooth-talker who seduces his enemies. He specializes in mind games, making his opponents doubt themselves and reducing them to a pile of quivering insecurities before wiping their minds clean and stealing their weaponry to use against them.
Juanita Weasel (you know her from the legendary Bloggess, Jenny Lawson) is sort of the Wonder Woman of the group, but different. Make no mistake — her ostensible feminine domesticity belies a powerful vengeance against wrongdoers that should never be crossed. She’ll invite the villain over, feed him a motherfucking soufflé, and then eat his eyes right out of their sockets, leaving him blind, confused, and helpless. Be warned: Bitches hate evil.
And their boss? The mastermind behind their mission… the Charlie to their Angels… the Hannibal to their A-Team… The one who places the call that makes the red phone ring…
So watch your step, baddies. You mess with the good guys, the Crime Fightin’ Mofos Extraordinaire will TAKE. YOU. DOWN.
And this, friends, is what my brain does when I’m asleep.