Fashion Is Taking Women Down
February 18, 2013 § 35 Comments
In my research for an upcoming column on magazine ads and spring fashion (oh yes, we’re going there again), I spotted an alarming trend — one that needs to be addressed before we talk about anything else: Fashion seems to be causing women to collapse.
I don’t mean economically collapse or morally collapse or anything deep and metaphorical like that. I mean, chicks are literally falling down. Look what all these hot new outfits are doing to the women who wear them:
(Pardon the bad photography, by the way. I was just snapping pics while reading my latest issue of Elle magazine.)
* * *
It starts with a little stumble. “Hey, do you guys like my new jeans? I’m just going to sit down here on this ch… this cha… Oh, help me, someone, I’m so weak…”
* * *
Then there’s the denial phase. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just going to lean on this wall here. Everything’s fine. Sure, my legs went out from under me, but whatevs, this dress is spanktabulous, so suck it, everybody wearing last year’s sundress.”
* * *
Before long, there’s no choice but to hit the ground. “Dammit, where did that floor come from? Who put a mirror there? Are those my legs? Is my thigh really that thin? Or do I have an arm growing out of my ass where a leg should be? Why can’t I get up?”
* * *
It could happen to anyone. Even Kate Hudson. “I’ve fallen. And I’m not talking about the fact that once upon a time I was Penny Lane in Almost Famous and it was totally the greatest movie ever and now I’m stuck doing Ann Taylor ads. I mean I can’t get up off this chaise. Is my head still attached? Is this my face?”
* * *
It could even happen on a boat. “You guys? Hey, you guys. Back here. I’m feeling kind of dizzy. OK, fine — you gals keep an eye out for dry land. I’ll just be right here, resting and floofing out my hair while no one looks at me.”
* * *
You can only hope to be among good friends when it happens. “Oh, Veronique, did you stumble backwards again? Here, you rest on Natasha’s knees and I’ll take your purse and go get you a Diet Coke.”
* * *
If you’re lucky, you’ll land right on your friend’s tropically-clad crotch. “Hey, Marguerite, take my purse, will you? This outfit has knocked me flat out. I think I need a Diet Coke.”
* * *
If you’re unlucky, well… you end up like these girls. “But Lady Dracula, this shoe-shine thing hurts my neck, and Delphine doesn’t look too comfortable either. Why won’t you take my purse and go get me a Diet Coke?”
* * *
In the end, it can feel downright hopeless. “DAMMIT, Renee, don’t just stand there all slumpy and morose. Can’t you see my legs have frozen this way? I gave you my little red purse — now go GET ME A FREAKING DIET COKE. Renee? Renee?”
So ladies, the lesson from the fashion industry is this: Always look good. But not too good. Or you’ll end up paralyzed and helpless.
* * *
PS: Hey gang. A reader (Amy from Kid-Free Living - who’s pretty damn funny herself) nominated the Blink for a Top 25 Humor Blogs listing. I think what you do is follow this link, then scroll waaaay down to the listing for I Miss You When I Blink and click “like” on it to vote. Y’all know I feel kind of weird asking for votes, so don’t fret if you don’t have time; but if you like clicking things, feel free. And THANK YOU, Amy! That was awfully kind.
Here it is: Skinny Scoop Top 25 Humor Blogs
This is hysterical! And interesting, that the models lately do appear to be posed in fallen-down and helpless poses more and more. What happened to the power-posing or the elegantly-casual ‘I’m just walking over this here beach’ type shoots which used to dominate?
And is it male or female editors or photographers that decide that women should look good when helpless? And why?
“I’m just walking over this here beach” – made me laugh.
Yes, there may well be some deeper questions here…
It’s the old Win-win — the models are weak from not eating, so they pose them so they don’t have to suffer AND they look totally catchable by men, so one saunters by he can just be like “Oh, look, someone left a girl here…”
FYI – I nominted you for “top 25 humor blogs” on skinnyscoop.com – http://www.skinnyscoop.com/list/SkinnyScoop_Staff/top-25-humor-blogs
If you want to ask a few people to vote you should easily slip in the top 25 – not a lot of people voting, but it is a list that will remain up (and could get picked up by search engines) for some time to come so… for SEO purposes…)
HA… “Oh look, someone left a girl here.” It’s like finding a $20 on the ground in a parking lot!
And get OUT — you are too kind. I will go take a look at that site. How sweet of you to nominate me. Thank you!
ass arm.
Don’t you kind of want an ass-arm now? Think of how useful it could be.
Not to mention *trendy*!
I think the gals need to eat a sandwich or two and they’d feel much better. Gotta love the creepy autopsy pose for Chanel – I think there might be a positive PSA in there. “Eating disorders kill.”
And also: “It’s dangerous to lie on the coffee table.”
STOP! Laughing hysterically here. Love love love your take on these things!
Thanks!
“Dammit Renee! Don’t just stand there all slumpy and morose!” BWAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I bet none of them ever got a Diet Coke, either. The purse would have pulled any one of them to the ground had she sauntered off to retrieve a drink.
I should point out that no medical advice offered on this site should ever be taken, and that Diet Coke does not cure paralysis.
Paralyzed, helpless and craving diet coke.
Which pretty much sums up me at 4 p.m. every day.
You’re such a breath of fresh air. I Loved this. With a capital L.
Oh, thank you! I do brush my teeth daily. You’re pretty fresh yourself, you know.
Good lord you are funny.
No. Good lord, YOU are.
Thanks!
Oh, I so needed this! My friends and I recently had a discussion about models and ridiculous poses. You have just given me more fodder for the machine.
Love ya, Blinky!
Thanks!
You are very observant! I usually thumb through fashion magazines barely noticing the actual models and definitely not noticing if they are lying down, sitting down or slumped against a wall. Now I will notice their ‘positions’ whether I want to or not! Very funny!
Thanks! And I’m sorry to have introduced you to this little bit of strangeness… once you start noticing, it’s hard to stop.
My grandfather used to go through my grandmother’s fashion magazine and rate the models on a scale of 1 to 10. He would give them little thought bubbles, too. He hated cigarettes, so anytime a model were smoking or in a tobacco ad, the thought bubble would have something like, “I love cancer!” or “Smoking kills!” in it.
He was a little eccentric.
I bet those thought bubbles were funny.
The first, third, and fifth pictures feature models that are so skinny it canNOT be healthy for them.
Also, one thing I’ve notices is that everyone think’s it’s perfectly fine if women pose this way (falling everywhere) but if a MAN does it, it just looks so strange to them. Yet another example of backward sexism in the culture of Earth.
Oh, the culture of Earth!
It makes you want to cheer because it’s so awesome and groan in annoyance because so much of it doesn’t make sense. We’re a very conflicted planet. I think Raxacoricofallapatorius is much less complicated.
I am just SHOCKED at the Marc Jacobs model!! She is positively skeletal! Now I know why I prefer to read Take 5 and That’s Life. Sure, some of those women may have lost 65 kilos,but at least they still WEIGH 65 kilos!
I don’t know how much a kilo is. But I think you have a point.
One kilo is about two pounds… roughly….
This is hilarious! Now that you mention this, I think I’m going to be looking for it the next time I’m flipping through.
I hate to tell you, but once you notice it, you do kind of see it everywhere. Thanks for reading!
Do you have ANY idea how funny you are?
YOU ARE dangerously, deliciously so crazy funny.
Why can’t you live here?
Oh, I know why. My small town can’t hold you.
THIS KICKS ASS.
Thanks for the lift with laughter. Laughter is the best medicine.
xo
Oh shucks… you are too much.
If your town already has you, it’s stocked up on funny!