The Not-In-My-Bucket List
January 23, 2013 § 74 Comments
Here are a few things I will never do:
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1. Go On a Cruise
“But WHAT?” you say – “Cruises are fabulous!” I totally believe you if you think a cruise is a great time… for you. No judgments here. Float along your merry way – you have my blessing. But trust me when I say they are not for me. Don’t get me wrong: I love to travel. Name the place, I’ll join you. Let’s go. But not on a cruise ship, OK? And yes, I know how crazy it is to swear off something I’ve never even tried, but hear me out:
- 75% of the time I get on a boat, I vomit, because I get motion-sick. Fast boats, slow boats, doesn’t matter. I hate throwing up. The only thing worse than throwing up is throwing up while you’re dizzy, because you’re like, “Is that the floor? Wait, no, that’s the ceiling. Why are the clouds spinning?” And you end up barfing into your own ear and then falling down. And by “you,” I mean me.
- I am a germaphobe with a vivid imagination, meaning I am unable not to think about the fact that being on a boat is basically like being in a floating trashcan, where everything you touch has been touched by hundreds of other people, who just keep touching things every day of the cruise. All however-many people, just stuck on a boat. Touching stuff.
- I don’t like to be forced to spend large amounts of time with large numbers of other people. Nothing personal, other people. I just don’t want to be loaded onto an enormous raft with you.
- People say, “Getting there is half the fun!” Not to me. I really would rather just BE there. You know what I’d rather do than circle Greece on a ship? Be in Greece. So, yeah, if there’s a quicker way to get to the actual destination than to take a slow-motion germ barge of vomitous hell, I’ll take that. Thanks.
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2. Go Bungee Jumping / Skydiving
Yeah, no. I took physics once. I don’t do free falls. End of story.
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3. Shoot Something
I know there are people who dream of taking down the elusive prey – the 30-point buck or rare albino tree rabbit or amazing four-winged duck or what have you. This is not me. I have friends who hunt, and I’m fine with it; if you’re humane and respectful in how you do it and you eat what you shoot, OK. But personally, I don’t want to shoot a gun. Not at an animal. Not at a person. Not at a target shaped like a clown. I just don’t. I’ve made it this long without ever having to, and I’m cool with that.*
(* Now, don’t let this make you think I’m defenseless and you can carjack me just because I won’t shoot. I have other means of protecting myself. I can stick a car key through an eyeball faster than you can say HOLY SHIT, LADY, THAT WAS FAST. Also, I know how many pounds of pressure it takes to rip a scrotum clean off a person, and I’m not squeamish in self-defense situations. So keep your carjacking balls away from me.)
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4. Eat Something That Is Still Alive
Delicacy, my ass. I love a good culinary adventure and will generally eat anything put in front of me, but if it’s still swimming, crawling, or calling for its mama, it’s a no-go. I don’t care how tiny and rare and gourmet it is or if it has winged fins made of gold.
(Regarding the picture above, from Wikipedia: This tiny octopus is served “still squirming on the plate.” Also: “Because the suction cups on the arm pieces are still active when the dish is served, special care should be taken when eating sannakji. The active suction cups can cause swallowed pieces of arm to stick to the mouth or throat. This can also present a choking hazard for some people, particularly if they are intoxicated.” HO-LY gag reflex, Batman — let’s go play a joke on some drunk people.)
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5. Conquer Extreme Physical Goals
Again, let me be clear that I’m not judging others here. I get that, sometimes, an emotional goal gets all wrapped up in a physical goal, like, “If I can climb the tallest peak in the world while eating nothing but beef jerky and wearing only boots and a utility belt, it will symbolize that I am finally over my divorce and I have a fresh start.” OK. If that’s what you need to do, God-speed and climb safe. But these things, they are not for me. I feel like reason compels me to respect the category of Things Human Bodies Weren’t Meant To Do. Sleep in a tree for 60 straight days? Dive to the deepest point of the ocean and look into the eyes of the shark that never sees light? Hike across the Sahara blindfolded? No, thank you. I’d like to live long enough to do the things that actually are on my bucket list.
I mean, you know. Never-say-never and all that. But still. Never.