The Not-In-My-Bucket List
January 23, 2013 § 74 Comments
Here are a few things I will never do:
* * *
1. Go On a Cruise
I am having a visceral reaction just looking at this.
“But WHAT?” you say – “Cruises are fabulous!” I totally believe you if you think a cruise is a great time… for you. No judgments here. Float along your merry way – you have my blessing. But trust me when I say they are not for me. Don’t get me wrong: I love to travel. Name the place, I’ll join you. Let’s go. But not on a cruise ship, OK? And yes, I know how crazy it is to swear off something I’ve never even tried, but hear me out:
- 75% of the time I get on a boat, I vomit, because I get motion-sick. Fast boats, slow boats, doesn’t matter. I hate throwing up. The only thing worse than throwing up is throwing up while you’re dizzy, because you’re like, “Is that the floor? Wait, no, that’s the ceiling. Why are the clouds spinning?” And you end up barfing into your own ear and then falling down. And by “you,” I mean me.
- I am a germaphobe with a vivid imagination, meaning I am unable not to think about the fact that being on a boat is basically like being in a floating trashcan, where everything you touch has been touched by hundreds of other people, who just keep touching things every day of the cruise. All however-many people, just stuck on a boat. Touching stuff.
- I don’t like to be forced to spend large amounts of time with large numbers of other people. Nothing personal, other people. I just don’t want to be loaded onto an enormous raft with you.
- People say, “Getting there is half the fun!” Not to me. I really would rather just BE there. You know what I’d rather do than circle Greece on a ship? Be in Greece. So, yeah, if there’s a quicker way to get to the actual destination than to take a slow-motion germ barge of vomitous hell, I’ll take that. Thanks.
* * *
2. Go Bungee Jumping / Skydiving
Wheeeeee…. Let’s jump out of a perfectly good plane and try to fly without wiiiiiiings!
Yeah, no. I took physics once. I don’t do free falls. End of story.
* * *
3. Shoot Something
If I *were* in the habit of shooting stuff, would I look like this in my handy holsters? Girl, you know it. Sadly, the world will never get to see that spectacular sight.
I know there are people who dream of taking down the elusive prey – the 30-point buck or rare albino tree rabbit or amazing four-winged duck or what have you. This is not me. I have friends who hunt, and I’m fine with it; if you’re humane and respectful in how you do it and you eat what you shoot, OK. But personally, I don’t want to shoot a gun. Not at an animal. Not at a person. Not at a target shaped like a clown. I just don’t. I’ve made it this long without ever having to, and I’m cool with that.*
(* Now, don’t let this make you think I’m defenseless and you can carjack me just because I won’t shoot. I have other means of protecting myself. I can stick a car key through an eyeball faster than you can say HOLY SHIT, LADY, THAT WAS FAST. Also, I know how many pounds of pressure it takes to rip a scrotum clean off a person, and I’m not squeamish in self-defense situations. So keep your carjacking balls away from me.)
* * *
4. Eat Something That Is Still Alive
Oh, goddamn, it’s like I’m back on the boat. Make it stop.
Delicacy, my ass. I love a good culinary adventure and will generally eat anything put in front of me, but if it’s still swimming, crawling, or calling for its mama, it’s a no-go. I don’t care how tiny and rare and gourmet it is or if it has winged fins made of gold.
(Regarding the picture above, from Wikipedia: This tiny octopus is served “still squirming on the plate.” Also: “Because the suction cups on the arm pieces are still active when the dish is served, special care should be taken when eating sannakji. The active suction cups can cause swallowed pieces of arm to stick to the mouth or throat. This can also present a choking hazard for some people, particularly if they are intoxicated.” HO-LY gag reflex, Batman — let’s go play a joke on some drunk people.)
* * *
5. Conquer Extreme Physical Goals
Look at all the equipment it takes to go on this recreational joyride without dying!
Again, let me be clear that I’m not judging others here. I get that, sometimes, an emotional goal gets all wrapped up in a physical goal, like, “If I can climb the tallest peak in the world while eating nothing but beef jerky and wearing only boots and a utility belt, it will symbolize that I am finally over my divorce and I have a fresh start.” OK. If that’s what you need to do, God-speed and climb safe. But these things, they are not for me. I feel like reason compels me to respect the category of Things Human Bodies Weren’t Meant To Do. Sleep in a tree for 60 straight days? Dive to the deepest point of the ocean and look into the eyes of the shark that never sees light? Hike across the Sahara blindfolded? No, thank you. I’d like to live long enough to do the things that actually are on my bucket list.
I mean, you know. Never-say-never and all that. But still. Never.
I am with you on every one of these never-will-dos.
Best…Victoria
Fist bump.
I love this list! I am with you on everything but I do have oysters at christmas and they have to move when you squirt them with lemon because otherwise it means they are not fresh. I hate to vomit so those suckers better move! Octopus, not so much. No K-2 dreams either!
Thank you! And you can have my share of the oysters.
I would love to try skydiving, but I’m in total agreement with you about cruises. There is no way I’m going on one of those.
Report back on the skydiving! Take video.
One cruise was enough! You’ll find me in the local market, museum or cafe. Meet you there.
See you there.
I can totally respect an anti-Bucket list…is that right? Does that make sense? I hated physics so I LOVED bungee jumping the one time I did it because it was a spontaneous decision literally made on the side of the road and I’m not spontaneous by nature at all. The cruise thing I’d like to try because I love being out on the water and do not suffer from motion sickness, but I’m a little nervous about feeling trapped in the middle of the ocean. The one we’ve got in all kinds of common is the eating something that’s still alive…no. I’m an adventurous eater and seek out the strangest local cuisine wherever we travel, but I draw the line as chewing something to its death. It’s cruel and mean and I believe in karma, even if I do eat meat that might not have been humanely slaughtered. When your would-be food is looking at you or wiggling hello, there’s no pretending. At least hamburgers don’t generally moo.
Ha! Just spat out my coffee to “chew something to its death.”
I’m with you on most of these, although I might try skydiving or a cruise if they were free. And I pity the fool (channeling Mr. T) who tries to carjack you.
Thanks! “if they were free…” is certainly a game changer.
I’m feeling like a total wuss looking at this list now. I think I need to make a corresponding list of “crazy shit I’m totally OK with” just to prove I’m not a scaredy-cat…
I recently checked off a major bucket list moment: Eat a fried green tomato and pimento cheese sandwich with the author of The Blink. Score! Great stuff, as usual, ML.
Dude, seriously, how good was that sandwich??
Completely agree with the conquer extreme physical goals. I have no desire to ever to mountain climbing or trekking through the jungle for a month. I’m too used to my creature comforts and plus, I HATE heights. More power to the people who want to, I’ll stay on the ground and cheer you on!
It is nice to know I won’t be alone on the ground.
Actually, a nice little climb would be a fun adventure. Where I draw the line is where it starts to sound like something a human body can’t actually endure. Like, “We’re going to go up where the air is so thin that you can’t breathe without a tank! And the temps are so cold that if you take off your mask, your nostrils will freeze closed! And the altitude causes your blood to congeal into blood-jello! It’s going to be GREAT!” That’s where it starts to sound not so great…
I am in total agreement with the idea of this list, if not with particular point (I have no trouble with boats, people or oysters. I wouldn’t want the live tentacle-wiggle though.) I definitely agree with the risk-taking and extreme behaviors – I’ve lived through a war which included real ballistic bombardment of the area I was in. Danger doesn’t give me a ‘rush’, it just makes me aware of it being dangerous and possibly unpleasant.
Jump out of a perfectly good plane or off a bridge for a ‘thrill’? Nah, just isn’t worth it. There are, like you said, many things I want to live to enjoy.
Thanks! I would imagine that living through a war would give you quite a perspective on danger.
I was with you on all of this up until I read “target shaped like a clown” and then I was like, “wait, what? They have those? I’ve never wanted to shoot at something before but now that you’ve planted a seed of possibility I kind of want to.”
Ha! I know… right after I typed that, I was like, “well, actually…” But then I left it, because let’s be real about what would happen if I tried to shoot a clown target: I would probably get the gun all turned around and end up shooting my ear off, and then I would be permanently disfigured, all because I couldn’t contain my clown-hatred.
But if YOU want to shoot a target shaped like a clown, I would totally support you.
Right there with you on all of these. Great for others, but no way, no how, never ever, for me!
Thanks! Good to know it’s not just me…
Reblogged this on Parrots, Prose, and Peanuts and commented:
No way, no how!
I am going to keep this post and show it to all of my friends who love to do all of this shit. I mean stuff. Seriously? It’s so hard to explain to people who love these things why they are so unappealing/downright scary. Many of my “real world” friends are all badass, “Hey, let’s go eat snakes and then bungee jump off the side of the ship,” and I’m all, “Anyone want to grab a muffin?” This is why I need my friends from the inter webs. And I’m more afraid of cruise ships than any of those other things. You summed up why perfectly. Awesome post!
Oh my goodness, thank you. I love to eat muffins on dry land. Or while standing still in the beautiful tropical sea. Or while dangling my feet off a dock. But not on a boat. Muffins deserve to stay down.
Absolutely with you on all of these. I’m practical and don’t see the point. Love your self-defense paragraph and will, at some point in time, use the phrase “carjacking balls”. It’s just fun to say.
Thank you!
I feel like maybe that phrase could be effective in a shut-up kind of way, like: “Oh, shut your carjacking balls, Stephen!” It doesn’t make sense *literally*, but it has the right sort of feel.
It’s like you’re in my head sometimes, only funnier and a better writer.
Oh, thank you.
(I am sorry that you, too, have live baby octopi in your head, though.)
Hey, let’s NOT DO these things together. Cruises? Over my dead lifeless body. And shooting? Same. This is funny as hell, and it helped me lose my appetite and forget I am not ready for my class today, which was stressing me out.
Thanks! And amen. I will join you in not-doing all these things.
At 50, girlfriends wanted to go with spouses on a cruise (I was out voted on other options). Oh well. When the time came to book it, etc, my husband, a plumber and anti-germaphobe, was not interested for all the potential ick that happens on board. I get terribly motion sick, but factor in there were no nonsmoking cruises…I cannot imagine losing my cookies while people puffed in my direction. Double puke. We gave our legitimate excuses and were razzed. We begged off the cruise, as well as two other couples (for other reasons), and the cruise idea did not take hold for our getaway. You are so funny…….I love love love your writing
I would smoke unfiltered Marlboros out of every orifice in my body before I would get on a cruise ship, so I don’t blame you.
And thank you for your kind words!
My husband ate those nasty crawling octopi when he was in Japan. Along with the puffer fish that will kill you if they’re cut incorrectly. “But Tracy, they brought out a certificate of their training.” Yeah. In Japanese. They could have been showing you a Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law tag from a mattress for all you know. I’m all set. Ditto for cruises.
Mmm, nasty.
The only anti-goal I’ve ever thought to make is to never run a marathon. My friend and I keep each other accountable and so far we have been very successful. My list TO do is something like…Read MORE books, plant MORE kinds of tomatoes! If you yell it, it sound exciting, but really it is not. I love your list! I did not even know it was a real option to eat live things-I will add it to my list of things to never do.
You raise an important point, Dr. Finch: It is very important, when keeping non-goals, to enlist a buddy who can help you stay motivated.
there’s a show called Strangers in Danger on the Fuel TV channel – 2 pro BMX guys go around the world and do stuff with the locals (the guys are super adorable and the show is awesome other than what I am about to relate). They were served the live octopus as a dish, with the instruction to try to bite through/chew off the head first due to the whole strangle you from the inside with my sticky bits because obviously you are an ASSHOLE who is eating me while I’m *looking right at you*!! It was the worst/funniest/grossest thing that i’ve ever seen, worst because it was so corkin’ SAD and funny because the kid was kinda vomiting around the thing in his mouth while still trying to eat it and gross because of all it…i don’t think i’ve ever made noises like that watching tv, kind of a scream/giggle/gag medley…
Oh my God — I would have barfed on the TV. That’s a riot.
Oh, and the octopus? If you chew it too long, it expands! So you can’t even wait until it’s dead to swallow it.
Now I am dry heaving.
But also laughing.
Love this! Aside from cruises I’m with you on all these. I used to want to skydive but then I had a kid, now I feel that would be not an ok thing to do…
Yeah, parenthood changes things. Although honestly, I have never wanted to do these things, so I suppose I ought not to pin it on my kids…
This list could be mine. I might go on a cruise ship, but I have that whole “Titanic, sharks will eat me, what about the stomach flu?” running through my mind like a broken record. I’d probably get sick of people too.
Oh my word, I hadn’t even thought about ICEBERGS!
I’m with you, especially on saying no to germy cruises. Ick.
Word.
Looks like we both have the same Not-On-My-Bucket-List!
High five!
cruises, guns, and extreme physical goals are creepy.
Particularly when all three are combined at once. That would be a vacation I never want to go on. As Taylor Swift says, “Like, ever.”
Yes! I mean, “No!” to all the above as well! Except fried-green-tomatoes…Pretty sure my 7-year-old taste buds would not approve of those babies.
Another one of my ‘No-Way-Bucket-List’ items: Run a marathon. Meh. I’ll pass. Since I’ve never actually run one mile, why attempt to tackle 26.2? You?
If I were being chased by a dinosaur, I *might* run for longer than a mile. Maybe.
I’ve given cruises a try – and I’m way over it. Not a cruise person. Not sure why I thought ten years would change my mind. Not. Also way over extreme physical challenges. Life is short. Fun post.
Thanks!
great idea for a post! I totally get you, I don;t want to do any of those things either, though I do have fresh oyster….
Thank you!
One of the most irksome, just all around make-me-feel-gross things in the world are octopi. I just don’t like them. I look at them, and my soul feels like it is floating in the ocean and seaweed is touching it’s feet. So the idea of attempting to eat a live one and allowing it to have a battle royale with my gag reflex sounds like the most horrifying/revolting/panic inducing thing I can think of.
I’m with you on that.
“battle royale with my gag reflex” – that made me laugh.
Then I done good.
All of these, and more! The adventures other people dream about (and pay a lot of money to do) are usually the ones I’d never want to do. I have come to accept myself in regard to my unconventional adventurous nature. Thanks for this post!
Thank YOU!
I completely agree with every word of this post. Every single word. Here I thought I was alone…
We ain’t none of us alone.
I am with you on the skydiving and bungee jumping!! Great post!
Thanks!
You had me at no cruise ship. The octopus was just the livin’ limit. You are too funny!
“the livin’ limit” is a phrase I’m going to adopt – thank you!
I couldn’t agree more. My parka even has a seat belt.
Ooh… I need a parka with a seat belt.
Anything that causes extreme discomfort would be on mine. Sushi=parasites on a plate.
Dear lord — the eating something that’s still alive thing is going to haunt me all day. And I’m with you on the rest of them, too!
That that baby octopus out of your mind, or you won’t be able to eat lunch.
[...] day I was reading one of my favorite blogs by MLP and she had done a really fun post about her Not-In-My-Bucket List. It was awesome! It reminded me that even though I have an insane appreciation for many [...]