Pumpkin Pimping: It’s A Thing
October 16, 2012 § 42 Comments
I’m concerned about what’s happening to Halloween.
I’m not talking about the slutting up of Halloween costumes, although I do believe get-ups such as The Sexy Bumblebee, The Sexy Salmon, and The Sexy Bandaid are getting a little old.*
(* Anyone can strap on a set of garters, a bra top, and a frilly apron/wing/fin/tail/stinger/bumper/leaf and call it a costume. I’m not too worried about it, though. I think the trend will die down as the outfits get skimpier. Eventually, there’ll be nothing left, and everyone will just be naked at Halloween; and then we’ll all be so grossed out that the pendulum will swing back the other way, and we’ll be wearing enormous bags every October and going as The Burlap Bumblebee. I mean, I don’t know. Maybe.)
No, I have a different concern: Pumpkin Pimping.
Google that term right now. I’ll wait.
See? It’s a thing. I bet you saw the barfing pumpkin, the pumpkin butt, and the scarecrow-with-boobs pumpkin. “Pumpkin pimping” is the term now used to describe these cheeky arrangements, as well as super-artsy carvings like this:
I’m not 100% clear on the term, although I know it’s best not to take it literally. (Who is the pimp? The pumpkin? Or the person doing the carving?) What I do know is this: these fancypants pumpkins have taken the place of the simple jack-o-lantern. When did Halloween become so much work?
Now, I don’t mean to squash anyone’s good time. (Gourd pun.) Maybe it’s not for me, but I understand from the Internet that pumpkin pimping is a special activity that is meaningful to many. One Halloween site describes pumpkin pimping like so:
“Pimping pumpkins is fun. Pimp pumpkins for profit, charity, Halloween contests, fall weddings, craft projects, [etc.].”
Sure. Pimping has long been associated with profit. And if we think about it hard enough, we could probably make the rest of that make sense, too.
Charity? I don’t know. I’m trying to imagine a scenario in which that works. “I’m sorry your house burned down. You probably need clothing and basic foodstuffs. Here, I brought you a pumpkin tricked out to resemble a Cadillac with Elvis inside.” I guess this is just one of those old traditions that didn’t really translate into modern life. Back in the day, pimping for charity probably just meant giving a poor person a free hooker. Life was simpler then.
Contests? Well, that’s a no-brainer. Pimps always win contests. Because pimps are winners.
Fall weddings? Ah, yes. The age-old wedding ritual of pimping. It’s cuter now with the pumpkins than in olden days when a guy just showed up at the reception in a purple fur coat and all the guests gave him money to buy women.
Craft projects? Crafts are nice for kids. I guess. As the article says, “Pimping… gives the kids something do on those rainy and snowy days.” I have to admit, that’s a sweet nod to history and the cold-weather customs of families in days of yore. (“Mother, I’ve finished writing ye olde alphabet with my quill upon ye scroll, and the snow is still coming down outside.” “Very well then, Samuel. You may go sell some whores in yonder market.”)
* * *
Anyway. As the immortal lyrics go, “Pimpin’ ain’t easy.” And it’s true. If you really want to make it on the pumpkin pimpin’ streets, there are special carving kits you must buy, with props and deluxe lighting accessories. Pimping, of any kind, can take a lot of effort and expense and can be dangerous. Plus, you never know how all that work will really pan out.
… it could turn out like this:
PS: Happy Halloween! If you need me, I’ll be out back carving one pumpkin into a hedgehog pimp, along with a cadre of mini-pumpkin hedgehog prostitutes. It’s going to be adorable.