Pumpkin Pimping: It’s A Thing
October 16, 2012 § 42 Comments
I’m concerned about what’s happening to Halloween.
I’m not talking about the slutting up of Halloween costumes, although I do believe get-ups such as The Sexy Bumblebee, The Sexy Salmon, and The Sexy Bandaid are getting a little old.*
(* Anyone can strap on a set of garters, a bra top, and a frilly apron/wing/fin/tail/stinger/bumper/leaf and call it a costume. I’m not too worried about it, though. I think the trend will die down as the outfits get skimpier. Eventually, there’ll be nothing left, and everyone will just be naked at Halloween; and then we’ll all be so grossed out that the pendulum will swing back the other way, and we’ll be wearing enormous bags every October and going as The Burlap Bumblebee. I mean, I don’t know. Maybe.)
No, I have a different concern: Pumpkin Pimping.
Google that term right now. I’ll wait.
See? It’s a thing. I bet you saw the barfing pumpkin, the pumpkin butt, and the scarecrow-with-boobs pumpkin. “Pumpkin pimping” is the term now used to describe these cheeky arrangements, as well as super-artsy carvings like this:
I’m not 100% clear on the term, although I know it’s best not to take it literally. (Who is the pimp? The pumpkin? Or the person doing the carving?) What I do know is this: these fancypants pumpkins have taken the place of the simple jack-o-lantern. When did Halloween become so much work?
Dude, seriously.
Now, I don’t mean to squash anyone’s good time. (Gourd pun.) Maybe it’s not for me, but I understand from the Internet that pumpkin pimping is a special activity that is meaningful to many. One Halloween site describes pumpkin pimping like so:
“Pimping pumpkins is fun. Pimp pumpkins for profit, charity, Halloween contests, fall weddings, craft projects, [etc.].”
Sure. Pimping has long been associated with profit. And if we think about it hard enough, we could probably make the rest of that make sense, too.
Charity? I don’t know. I’m trying to imagine a scenario in which that works. “I’m sorry your house burned down. You probably need clothing and basic foodstuffs. Here, I brought you a pumpkin tricked out to resemble a Cadillac with Elvis inside.” I guess this is just one of those old traditions that didn’t really translate into modern life. Back in the day, pimping for charity probably just meant giving a poor person a free hooker. Life was simpler then.
Contests? Well, that’s a no-brainer. Pimps always win contests. Because pimps are winners.
Fall weddings? Ah, yes. The age-old wedding ritual of pimping. It’s cuter now with the pumpkins than in olden days when a guy just showed up at the reception in a purple fur coat and all the guests gave him money to buy women.
Craft projects? Crafts are nice for kids. I guess. As the article says, “Pimping… gives the kids something do on those rainy and snowy days.” I have to admit, that’s a sweet nod to history and the cold-weather customs of families in days of yore. (“Mother, I’ve finished writing ye olde alphabet with my quill upon ye scroll, and the snow is still coming down outside.” “Very well then, Samuel. You may go sell some whores in yonder market.”)
* * *
Anyway. As the immortal lyrics go, “Pimpin’ ain’t easy.” And it’s true. If you really want to make it on the pumpkin pimpin’ streets, there are special carving kits you must buy, with props and deluxe lighting accessories. Pimping, of any kind, can take a lot of effort and expense and can be dangerous. Plus, you never know how all that work will really pan out.
So if pumpkin pimping is for you, great. But remember, the next time you feel inspired to take on a project like this:
… it could turn out like this:
PS: Happy Halloween! If you need me, I’ll be out back carving one pumpkin into a hedgehog pimp, along with a cadre of mini-pumpkin hedgehog prostitutes. It’s going to be adorable.
I’m Gonna Get You Sucka reference? Strong to quite strong.
It’s classic entertainment, if perhaps not the most accurate instruction manual for pimps.
I’m Gonna Get You Sucka is always a good choice – for any matter!
I actually love those hedgehogs.
I have a confession to make. I pimped quite a few pumpkins (and gourds) for my sister’s wedding a few years ago. I had no idea I was pimping, if that’s any consolation. LOL.
Many pimps don’t know they’re pimping, I think. Awareness is the first step. (I have to admit, I think the hedgehogs are adorable.)
Gourd puns. Totally underused. Thanks for alerting me to this; I’m going to spend the remainder of October embracing my English degree and the thesaurus. That OK with you, punkin’? I mean, just check out the list of possibilities: http://www.allaboutpumpkins.com/varieties.html
Right on.
Oh, now I get it. You’re from North Carolina, right? I bet you are a card-carrying member of the N.C. Gourd Society. Your nerdiness wins. Today, at least.
http://www.ncgourdsociety.org/types.htm
The first rule of Gourd Society is never talk about Gourd Society.
OH yes.
Ugh. When did “pimping” enter popular vernacular? This post is hysterical and only confirms my belief that given enough time and money, we’d all devolve into complete nutters. We are the nation that has entire stores devoted to socks, hats and batteries.
I’m gonna need directions to that sock store.
And in Sevierville, TN there is a “just jerky” store. No lie.
And in Phoenix, there are many, many water stores.
So awesome. I needed a good laugh this morning. Thank you!
Thank YOU!
I wasn’t sure I could get past the horrifying image of naked swinging pendulums, but I’m glad I did. Great piece.
Ooh. “Pendulums.” Ick.
I am always amazed at those incredible work of art pumpkins that make me feel like an underachiever! By the time 3 kids have strewn the kitchen with pumpkins guts, hunted high and low for candles,decided on squares,triangles, or rectangles, fought over the biggest knife or tiny saw–we are almost too tired to roast seeds. Great post!
Thanks. They amaze me, too. Especially considering it takes our entire household to hack two triangular “eyes” and a mouth-hole in ours.
And what’s with the painting of pumpkins? Are you serious? Like we can’t just think they are nice on there own…now we have to frickin paint them? Martha is out of control.
Poor little gussied-up pumpkins.
Learn something new everyday! I am attempting to pumpkin pimp over here but no success yet. I got the expensive part down, as I have all my supplies. Just need a little creative pumpkin pimpin juices to flow. Thanks for the giggle.
You GO. Pimp that pumpkin ALL OUT!
Ha ha ha…another great post! Thanks!
Thanks for reading, Jenny!
I don’t carve pumpkins for Halloween. It’s too much work for something that will get moldy and saggy within a week. But I really just wanted to say that clip from “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka” is the best!
Thank you! It’s a classic, isn’t it? “The door is ajar… please close the door…”
“And this voluptuous ass of mine? It’s not even the right color!” Very classic.
The Pimp is a very popular halloween costume, along with Foxy Cleopatra. I hate the word “pimp.” It’s like short for pimple, or imp with a “p” in front of it. Can’t we just go back to saying “decked out” like we did in the nineties instead of “pimped out”?
I don’t mind the word itself. It doesn’t bother me like, say, “moist.”
But if it does you wrong, then yes, you need alternatives. Tricked out? Souped up? Fancyass? Any of these would work. *Unless* we’re talking about actual, super-fly pimps, in which case “pimped out” really is best.
I can’t…even…pimping pumpkins? Seriously, I can’t even do the basic triangles and toothy smiles. On a separate, but equally as important note..do you mind if I call you pimp from here on out? I feel as if we could get it to catch on as a super-cool new thing…just saying…because I’m kind of tired now…Great post!
Seriously. It takes all my strength just to get the knife in there and make two eyes and a mouth.
Hahah I cannot believe its called pumpkin pumping XD (although the five year old sitting next to me was very excited about those punkins)
*pimping, that is.
Honestly, the 5 year old inside me loves those hedgehogs. But the grownup I actually am does not have that kind of fine motor skills.
Hahaha I’m in the same boat, I tried something complicated a few years ago but my punkin collapsed XDDDD (I just stick to a simple hello kitty face now ahahaha)
omg this is hilarious, and i am also sad to have to say i have pimped a bunch of pumpkins this year, though i refer to it as “glamming up” – much uh classier.
Totally. Let’s just call it “pumpkin makeovers.”
Hi, I’m Anne from Life on the Funny Farm (http://annesfunnyfarm.blogspot.com), and I’m visiting from Finding the Funny.
Oh.
My.
God.
I think I just wet myself a little.
No one’s gonna want to pimp me now.
That is one of the funniest things I have ever read.
And I’m not just saying that b/c you said pimp and whore a whole bunch of times.
That did give you some extra points, though.
Anyway, it’s nice to “meet” you! Hope you can pop by my blog sometime to say hi…
Well, good gracious, aren’t you just the friendliest? I’ll absolutely check it out.
I love to say “whore.” Fortunately, I am friends with a lot of whores, so I get to say it a lot. (“Hey, whore, can I borrow your leaf blower?”) Thanks so much for reading!
Pumpkin whittling is soooooo street.
I know dassright, yo.