The Loneliness of Football Season
September 11, 2012 § 32 Comments
I am afraid to say this out loud, so I’m whispering it to the Internet: I don’t like football.
Well, that came out wrong. I don’t mean I actively dislike football; I mean I fail to love football in the way that everyone around me does.
Where I live, everyone loves football, even the ladies. But not me. (I wish I did, so I could join in on the fun; but looking back, I realize there was probably never any hope. First of all, I come from a long line of nerds. We are not an athletic people. Second, I moved around a lot growing up, so I have no geographical/team allegiances. Third, I somehow managed to avoid going to a big football school my entire life.) I just never developed the football sense.
Being a non-football-fan in football country is a bummer sometimes. The upcoming game is the #1 topic of conversation at social gatherings in the fall… when social gatherings can even happen, that is. Trying to make plans with friends for fall weekends gets dicey, because a GAME COULD BE ON. Face-to-face human interactions are suddenly trumped by televised sports, which absolutely must be seen in real time. I have witnessed this exact conversation:
I’m not kidding. You can’t kid about football. Trust me on that. If you call someone’s fantasy football league their “imaginary football” league, they will not laugh. Even though if you think about it, it’s pretty funny that there’s a whole world of made-up football being played, fictionally, by nonexistent players who have the same names and stats of actual people over here in the universe known as reality.
There are lots of aspects of football season that I do like – wearing sweaters, carrying flasks, eating meat cooked in a parking lot. I also enjoy doing cheerleader impressions. (Ask me about my most requested cheer: “Wheels are for truckers, scams are for suckers, we think your team’s a bunch of…”) Unfortunately, there’s just so much of it I can’t relate to.
Anyway. I hate being left out, and I don’t want to stay home by myself while everyone else is having fun. So please, invite me over to watch the game. I’ll behave. In fact, I would be immensely grateful if you could help me behave even better.
How To Help a Non-Fan Enjoy a Football Game:
- Show me where to sit. One time I sat on the wrong side of the bar. HO-LY shit. Bad move. Look, I’m not trying to express my loyalties one way or the other – I just don’t know which cheering section is “ours.” So point me in the right direction. The great news is, I totally don’t care whether I can see the TV, so you can give me the seat no one else wants.
- Assign me some food to bring. In fact, put me on cocktail waitress duty for the game. I like assembling trays of snacks and walking around and refilling drinks, and that gives me an excuse to get up. See, I can be useful!
- Shoot me a few signals. I don’t know the difference between good news and bad news; I only know the announcer is screaming. Is this a “YEAH!” moment or a “NOOO!” moment? I’ll do what you do.
- Help me translate football minutes into real minutes. I know that when it says “2:43” left in the game, it’s not really two minutes and forty-three seconds. But I don’t really understand how long it is. Every minute in football time feels like an hour to me. So break it down in terms I can understand: “You have time to have two more beers.” Or: “The game will be over after you pick seven more threads out of the sofa cushion.” Or: “You can get in your car, go commit a crime on the empty streets, come back, and no one will know you were even gone, because there’s that much game still left.”
- Give me your wifi password.
- Do you have any magazines?
Gooooo, team!
UPDATE: You can also find this article syndicated on TheFootballGirl.com — a Forbes “Best Website,” created by a female ESPN producer to give chicks (and dudes) who love the NFL a place for nonstop jock-talk. Check it out!
Amen sister, I feel the same way!!
Let’s look on the bright side: Fritos
I was the same way until I fell for Tim Riggins on Friday Night Lights and totally fell in love with football. (I’d do anything for Tim!)
Good point. Add to the column of things to like about football for sure.
Love the “fanfare.” Hate the sport. This was a well-written, humorous article. Thanks for your thoughtful insights.
Fanfare. Well put. I agree — I’m a fan of fanfare! Thanks for reading.
ML, come spend some time with my wife. When I’m otherwise occupied, she has been known to go to sports bars, by herself, eight months pregnant, to watch her horrible team lose. Again and again and again. Yet she keeps going. She can coach you.
I like her tenacity. And that is exactly the type of educational outreach I need. I can’t promise I won’t wander off to play darts or taste-test cherries from the drink garnish bin though.
I am so with you on this. People don’t even invite me to watch games anymore because I exasperate them so.
If you do get stuck watching a game, though, it’s really fun to play “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ with the linemen (they are the really big guys that usually have higher numbers on their jerseys.)
“I’m a biiiiig fella. I’m a gonna hug up on ya now!”
“Look at my belly! I’m a gonna crush ya with my big belly!”
It doesn’t get you invited to many tailgates, but it does make the time pass more quickly.
Good call. I play that game with a lot of things. I watched Twilight on mute that way.
Oh, but did you know there is an actual MST3K for _Twilight_? (Well, by the same guys, anyway.) It is as hilarious as one would imagine.
http://www.rifftrax.com/rifftrax/twilight
^ That is fabulous. (Twilight MST3K) Thank you.
That definitely is something hard to admit in this country, but I love your approach. I love football, but have only done so for the past two years really (Go Eagles). Before then I was kind of indifferent to it because I grew up in Europe and that’s the land of soccer.
That all changed when I saw a season of Hard Knocks, the show that goes behind the scenes at a team’s training camp. That plus some explanations from my boyfriend helped me understand and really develop a love for football.
You grew up in Europe and then you came to love American football? Impressive. Proves that anyone can come to love it!* I will say that watching shows about football helps. A little Friday Night Lights got me a bit more interested. Well, maybe not so much in the game. But in the drama behind the game.
(*except maybe a moron like myself)
As an avid football fan and a girl none-the-less, I must say that I loved this post! Not all of us are jerks to those that do not enjoy the sport. I snorted out loud and shared your cheer with the men in the room. Very funny ~ loved the cocktail waitress and translating football minutes the best!
You go, girl who knits AND watches football! You are a renaissance woman.
You don’t like football that much? I think we could be best friends.
Awesome! I’ll see you every Saturday and Sunday this fall. We can run wild through the streets and go looting, because no one will be paying attention to ANYTHING BUT FOOTBALL.
Wow, I am in the same boat as you on all of this. I get football, as in the rules and everything, I just do not have the “give a fuck” attitude that everyone else seems to have.
This tells me something important:
Understanding the rules and whatnot may not actually increase the degree to which I care.
Which only confirms for me that not trying to learn the rules is the right way to go. Thank you!
[...] really like football all that much, but still wants to be invited to all of the parties in The Loneliness Of Football Season. I could relate to this [...]
I’m in the same boat. It’s just not my thing. On the bright side — I like to go to restaurants that are usually crowded or other must-experience venues when everyone else is watching the game. It’s much less crowded that way…so yeah, I’m with you — go team
Did that yesterday, actually. Went to one of my favorite places where the line is usually out the door… at 5 on Saturday. Brilllllliant. Walked right in and sat down!
Our deficiency does have upsides.
You just need to have a crush on the coach or the quarterback, like me, and you’ll be front and center. I used to dislike football too. I’m smart enough to understand the rules and plays, but didn’t like the game enough to retain the information. Then, I got my first football crush and now I watch every Sunday with my husband. He knows my reason, but he doesn’t care because we’re watching football!
Thanks! I was madly in love with Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights. It didn’t make me watch more football. But it did make me watch more Friday Night Lights.
Oh, why did they cancel that show? It was such a good show and, you’re right, Coach Taylor was soo hot.
My favorite shows are always getting canceled. (See? http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/05/03/save-bff/) I wonder if Coach Taylor could be brought on as a new character on Mad Men… It’s a stretch, but it could work?
I am in the same boat. If I like the show it will surely be canceled and they’ll add yet another CSI. They canceled Brothers and Sisters and Friday Night Lights. And, I’m sure Parenthood will be next. Never did watch Best Friends Forever, but I’m kinda glad I didn’t because they canceled it!
This is the funniest thing I have ever read…Finally! I try to force myself to like it…I buy tervis tumblers w/ school mascots that are popular way down here in the south, i post stupid things on fcebook abt a team…alas, I just can’t do it. I try..and should as my great grandfather was QB at uga..It’s PAINFUL. I was watching some game where this Tulane player is knocked unconcious and will probably never walk again…I don’t understand the point…really.
This is fantastic. As a registered member of a Football Widows Club, I can totally appreciate this sentiment. I’ve learned more of the rules of football than I ever thought possible, but somehow (despite everyone’s assurances) knowing more never translated into caring more. Awesome post.
[...] The Loneliness of Football Season. Read this. It’s a good laugh for those people that just aren’t as over-excited about football as everyone around you is, has some great pointers in there for how to be involved with out actually being involved! Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. Leave a comment [...]
[...] The Loneliness of Football Season Filed Under: Articles Tagged With: football party tip, plan a party [...]