Seeing the Signs: Beach Wisdom, Rewritten
August 9, 2012 § 10 Comments
Fellow writers will understand what I’m talking about when I say the compulsion to edit is something that starts early and never goes away.
Did you sit at the breakfast table as a child, shoveling Cheerios into your face while staring at the cereal box and rewording that blurb about whole grain goodness to fix a split infinitive? Did you watch My Little Pony commercials and rewrite them in your head to convey more compellingly the true awesomeness of My Little Ponies? Then you know: you can’t help it. It happens all the time, anytime you look at something with words on it.
It even happens on vacation.
There’s a phrase: “to blow sunshine up one’s ass.” It means to throw around ostensibly positive but actually meaningless phrases in order to instill a sense of optimism. I learned it from Top Gun.
Now there’s a fact you can use.
Well, it’s mi casa while I’m renting it. But then it’s pretty much back to being su casa.
Let’s get straight to the point.
Three L words: that’s always deep.
Remember: People you don’t know have lounged on that sofa.
Las Vegas: “Bitch, please.”
Get a room.
(except that friends don’t rot and turn into sand when you forget them at the bottom of your suitcase over the winter)
Let’s get real with this simile.
“Welcome Aboard,” says the object designed to be thrown to you when you drown.
Think about it.
Oh dear Lord — what if you die here? Yes, in fact, that is the thought that crossed my mind on the cruise I took…Happy vacation — don’t get eaten by a shark!
Thanks! Am back. Did not get eaten. Success!
Yesterday while driving through a nearby neighborhood, the children and I observed numerous signs asking motorists to moderate their speed. You know the type: “Slow Down/Children Playing” and “Please Drive Slowly”. But then there was “Drive Slow/We Live Here”. We resisted the urge to post our own signs: “Drive Slowly/We Use Adverbs”.
Heh. Nice!
We had one on our street once that read simply, “Slo.” It was shaped like a person and could be placed in the street to “slo” traffic. I always wanted to take a big marker and finish it out: “Slope = rise over run” (math facts!) or “Sloths are cuddly” (animal fun!). But Slo was hit by a garbage truck and dragged away before I ever could.
Love the gynceological sand chafing sign!
I recently tweeted about how funny your blog is. I’m fairly new to blogging and a fellow blogger that I recently connected with nominated me for the Versatile Blogger award. In the spirit of blogging, and networking fun I decided to participate and now I’m nominating you!
If you like, you can find out more about the Versatile Blogger award at my blog, More Than Words (http://mthanw.blogspot.ca/).
If it’s not your thing, no worries. But, I did want to stop by and thank you again for making me laugh. I really enjoy reading your blog.
Have a great weekend.
Stacey
Oh my word — too kind, really! Thank you, Stacey. I follow you on Twitter as well, and I like what you’re doing. Thanks for reading!
I went on a cruise on a very fancy ship for my honeymoon. In all the stairwells, there were these beautiful, framed photographs of icebergs. Yeah.
That is breathtakingly, hilariously wrong.
I just wanted you to know this post made me laugh my proper laugh (the aweful one I try not to let out). My flatmates came in to see if there was a sealion or something hiding in my room. They are now worried for my sanity. Worth it.
Thanks
You laugh that proper laugh as loud as you want, my friend. That’s how we laugh around here. Thanks for reading!