Search Party
July 18, 2012 § 15 Comments
The Internet confounds and delights me.
When I’m bored or just looking for a giggle, one thing that never fails to amuse is to scroll through the list of search terms used by visitors who ended up on this site.
I’ve gotten over the fact that I may simply never understand how some of these searches turned up the Blink as a result. (Admittedly, I also don’t understand why I don’t have to cram money into my laptop when I order books online. So who am I to say how the Internet works?)
Snapshot: Some search terms from one day last week. If anyone has tips for the person with the tarnish problem, feel free to chime in, because all I can say to that is, “I told you so.”
My bigger question now is this: Why are people entering some of these phrases into search engines?
Take this one, for example: seth avett needs to eat.
That’s not a search. It’s a statement. What’s the point of typing that into a search window? Are you thinking Seth will somehow see the message and eat a sandwich? Are you looking for solidarity with other people who also think Seth should eat? Or, wait — what if Seth typed that, and it’s a cry for help? Thank you for trusting me, Seth. I’m sending out a burrito truck and the driver has your picture.
Some of these phrases also seem less like searches than secrets. (Something called GoogleConfessions would totally take off, I think.) Like this one from another day last week: i want to watch porn but it makes me nervous. OK, I totally get the thing where you need to write something down to get it out — I do that, too — but do you know you typed it in a search engine? (And how bummed were you when it led you here?)
Facebook friends will remember this one from a few days ago:
I admit it freaks me out a little when I see some of the things people are searching for and then clicking over here. Windex enema?? I don’t know about you, Clarice, but I think I hear the lambs. Nonetheless, I’ve decided it’s better to live in a state of welcoming (if confused) optimism than fear.
If we were having a little party, and someone wandered in the front door, lost and looking for another party in a totally different neighborhood, would we ignore that confused stranger? Or would we say hello and invite them to stay for a drink while they look up better directions? We’d be friendly, right? OF COURSE we would.
So let’s greet those individuals. Here are the phrases entered by some of the most awesomely weird visitors who came a-searchin’ in the last week:
i miss you asshole — I miss you, too, sonofabitch. But we’ll always have the memories.
frolic through the pretty daisies — Really? And you ended up here? Well. We have a pot of half-dead geraniums out back – frolic all you want.
yay you’re in a cat — Yeah, no, I’m not in a cat. Are you in a cat? Dude, that’s not yay. Not yay AT ALL.
my dog ate zucchini bread — Are you looking for help? Or showing off? Because if it’s the latter, we’re not impressed with your vegan dog – who, by the way, just wandered on back to my kitchen and currently has his face in a box of bacon doughnuts.
chuck norris misses you — I know. But it was for the best. Tell him I said, “Butterflies are meant to be free,” and touch one finger to his left ear. He’ll understand.
things i would aunt jemima – No, I’m sorry, but you, sir, are an animal. Take your pancakes and keep searching.
double pee hey you lounge — Oh, honey, you’re in rough shape. Come on in. We’re going to make you some coffee and then we’re going to call a helpline.
nerdy ways to say I miss you — Ahhh now, we might be able to help you here. I would suggest either creating a realistic-looking periodic table where all the elements are replaced with adorable symbols of affection (LuV, etc.) OR maybe recording your own voice singing all the different parts of the Glee version of Don’t Stop Believin’ and then sneaking that onto your beloved’s iPod before he/she leaves for a trip. (Wait… where are you going? Come back! I have more!)
you appear to have left your nipples on — Oh, SHAZAM, I totally did. Thank you so much for telling me. And so politely. [removing nipples, stuffing them in pocket]
I’ll show you drama, bitch — No. I’ll show * you* drama. Bitch. [lip quivering] But…wh…why are we fighting?
Is it you they’re looking for, Lionel? Maybe.
But who knows where they’ll end up if they search for you on Google.
UPDATED: Some other bloggers got in touch and said they’d also had some crazy-ass searches lead to their sites. So just for fun, I created this tumblr - Search Party - if you want in, see the instructions and send me your bizarre-o search terms. I’ll leave it up if people send some in. If not, it’ll go down. Internet games!
I’m always fascinated how people find my blog as well. For example, I was discovered by a person looking up information on “bug crawled into vagina” and “female lion yelling for shoes funny.” And, somehow they ended up with me. Someone who can offer them no advice for vagina infestation nor Nala’s search for her Jimmy Choos. But, I am psyched to know that I’m HUGE in Estonia. I mean, huge.
Tracy Winslow
Doesn’t that make you feel cool? Kind of like David Hasselhoff? Remember when the world was all like, “Hasselhoff is WILDLY POPULAR in Germany.”
So you’re the Hasselhoff of Estonia.
We seem to have some far-flung readers joining us here as well. I feel bad if they’re coming here to get an accurate picture of American life.
Totally! I mean, how many people can really live in Estonia? I’m not even sure it’s a real country. I’m guessing 30. So, 1/3 of Estonia is reading my blog. They’re probably trying to come up with a pretend royal title for me as we speak.
And, as for the bug in the vagina search – well, I can sleep a little easier at night knowing that they did not find the answer they were looking for from the All Seeing All Knowing Master of Time, Dimension and Estonia. (It’s a title-in-progress. I thought I’d help them along with the process).
Let me know if you want to be a part of my court. You can make up your own cool title.
Also, I feel so sad/worried/grossed out for that person you mentioned who googled “bug crawled into vagina.” I mean, can you imagine the horror? “Well, I guess I’ll just Google it.”
Hilarious!!! Laughed till I cried!!!!!
Thank you for reading! Don’t cry.
We get a lot of mommy porn search terms, which seems weird…I mean…if you’re looking for porn, one would think it wouldn’t involve moms…to each his own…
Um, yeah… That’s probably my fault. Sorry about that…
One of my top search terms is “why I wouldn’t want to be married to myself.” If you have to Google that, I’m going to hazard a guess that one BIG reason you wouldn’t want to be married to yourself is you’re an idiot.
Keyword searches never fail to amuse me. Wait, I’m going to go google that.
I bet you get some good ones!
“ross murray living room”
Creepiest search since “Have you checked the children?”
Whoa. Heebie jeebies.
I am laughing so hard at work right now. Some of my favorites at Cody Uncorked have been:
david dong new york city
i like food blogs wordpress
cow holland
food in wooden plate
glass chandelier
oops frozen yogurt
i don’t like tuna in a can..will i like tuna steak?
if you don’t mind my asking, please let me know.
how to find what youre passionate about
These are a riot! I hope you’ll submit them to Search Party so your blog can be featured. Here are the instructions: http://thesearchparty.tumblr.com/yoursearches
Thank you for reading!