Toxins
June 13, 2012 § 8 Comments
What are toxins, exactly?
I read this thing in a magazine about how everyone’s supposed to be flushing “toxins” out of our bodies with organic, gourmet juice you can buy in fancy glass bottles or make with a swanky juicing machine. Because I’m kind of making a half-ass effort to live better, and since the article made it sound like the all-juice diet would totally be what Jesus were doing if he were still around, I looked into it.
I got about halfway through the description of the juice “detox” – just about to the point where I was getting confused as to why I’d want to make myself feel lightheaded and dizzy on purpose – and then I saw this recommendation:
“For optimum results, assist the cleansing process with a daily enema.”
WHOA, Nellie.
I mean, I know what the word “toxin” means. It means poison. But I’m pretty sure I haven’t been eating poison. At least not any poison bad enough to require pressure-washing my insides from both directions.
(OK, full disclosure… There was that one time I wanted to make the bright blue martinis like they had at this party I went to, and I couldn’t figure out what the blue ingredient was, and I very briefly considered adding a half-jigger of Windex to the recipe. But the important thing is, I didn’t do it.)
If I’m going to drink boatloads of liquefied kale and wheatgrass and cayenne-pepper-water for days on end instead of eating food, not to mention blast a hose up my ass, I’d like a little more clarity on just what the enemy is. What’s a toxin?
I asked WebMD – where I always go when I want to diagnose myself with something exotic – but those doctors seem to think our livers and kidneys already know how to get rid of anything toxic.
Then I asked a friend of mine who’s a registered dietitian, and she didn’t know either. She laughed and said, “It’s the new buzzword these days. There isn’t universal agreement on exactly what it means.”
So. If the “toxins” aren’t an actual, specific medical thing or nutritional thing, I’m guessing they must be some other kind of harmful things we keep inside. Inner demons, maybe? Insecurities? I can see why I’d want to wash those away. I have a paralyzing fear of jet-skis, and I’d like to be rid of it in order to live a more glamorous aquatic lifestyle. Still – must it be cleansed away in this fashion? Might there be alternatives?
Let’s look at some other inner toxins and how they could be removed.
Self-doubt:
Get a therapist. Do that positive-talking-to-yourself-in-the-mirror thing.
OR – Attempt to flush it out your colon.
Crippling shyness:
Take an improv class. Go to a dog park and practice conversation on dogs.
OR – Attempt to flush it out your colon.
Substance addiction:
Go to rehab.
OR – Attempt to flush it out your colon.
Fear of foxes:
Volunteer at a shelter for baby woodland animals.
OR – Attempt to flush it out your colon.
The voice of your father in your head saying you’re a failure:
Write a note to your dad and put it on a toy boat and set it on fire and send it out to sea.
OR – Attempt to flush it out your colon.
There’s something for everybody, I guess.
But I think I’ll just hang on to my toxins.
(She probably just needs some juice.)
I’m laughing ….better have another enema !!!
There go your toxins!
So, do you do the enema with the juice and cayenne water, too? I’m taking notes. I’m sure I’m just chock full of toxins.
Is there anything in the world that diarrhea can’t cure?
This post is a hoot.
Thank you! I’m not sure… I’m pretty sure the cayenne pepper is only meant to go one way in this scenario. But frankly, I don’t understand how any of this works.
I don’t know…I am a huge fan of cleansing toxins…I find it really can improve your outlook and well-being. My secret is this: in your first paragraph, you talk about the organic, gourmet juice. You are right on track with that. I find it helps to then add vodka. Just saying…
You may be onto something…
This made me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants.
Wheat grass, check. Lemon-cayenne pepper water, check. Kale smoothie, check. Colonix, check. Yep, I’ve tried just about everything to get those little buggers out!
Blue curaçao probably.