Angelina Jolie’s Artful Fall Fashion Line

September 8, 2014 § 22 Comments

I’m sure by now you’ve all seen Angelina Jolie’s wedding gown, which had her children’s artwork embroidered right onto the dress.

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(Also, do make sure you check out the parody version by Funny Or Die.)

Some of the fashion reporters have dissed Jolie’s decision to take a perfectly good Versace frock and cover it in scribble, but really? This is a woman who once wore her boyfriend’s blood in a vial around her neck. I’m surprised her dress wasn’t woven from actual human muscle tissue and decorated with the urine splatters of exotic wildlife. Instead of being so uptight, maybe we should take inspiration from The Queen of Cheekbones & Darkness and punch up some of this season’s fashions.

Just look how much better these already great outfits look when you add drawings to them:


I absolutely adore this fabulous cocktail dress with the flower-inspired ruffle at the neck. But behold how much MORE awesome it is if you draw monsters on it.



This dress is so me. And it’s extra me if you add a little choo-choo train along the hem. (See enlarged image for detail: There’s a herd of fighting shrimp-mermaid warriors riding atop the train.)



Yet another fantastic garment that I absolutely need for fall. (How cute would this be with jeans and some stabby stilettos?) I’d personalize it a bit with this drawing of a midget grim reaper who’s holding not a scythe, but — surprise! — a bundle of flowers. Is the person screaming in fear or delight? Who knows. Therein lies the whimsy.



Well, this outfit is two shades of my favorite color, but it’s not going in my shopping cart, because as much as I want to love it, I just don’t think I can pull off bag-lady couture. If you like it, though, I’d suggest drawing a hedgehog on the scarf part.



Yes, yes, and more YES. This dress is absolutely coming home with me for the holiday party season. To give it a little oomph, I’m going to put a penguin in eveningwear at the shoulder and then — just to keep things unexpected — a zombie penguin at the knee.



I wear a lot of black and white, and I need to be better about wearing color. This red dress is classy-sexy; and if you add the penguin in a multi-colored 1980s striped sweater, it becomes classy-sexy-Cosby. Win.



I like this dress a lot — and I think it would be good for a work party — but it’s just a wee bit tame. To turn up the interest factor, I’d add a big penguin wearing some jousting boots to the front.



This is a really beautiful crossover crop top that’s just begging for the right occasion. If you add a penguin cheerleader to each side of the bust, you add an encouraging message that sends supportive vibes to all you meet.



Awww — this suit reminds me of my very first job interview outfit. It was a gift from my mom, and to this day, it’s probably the most sophisticated ensemble I own. If I were designing it from scratch, however, I’d make one change: Add a penguin eating a Nutella crepe to the front of the skirt. See how that takes the whole thing to a new level?

By the way, all these outfits came from the Neiman Marcus catalog, so if you want any of it, just buy it and then treat me to coffee and hand me some Sharpies. I’ll spiff ‘em up for you.

Happy almost-Fall, everybody.

The penguins and me

If You’re Happy and You Know It…

August 26, 2014 § 2 Comments

… turn the volume up and blow it out.

This is a crazy-busy week and I am still trying to wash off the glitter from the weekend. I attended a Hawaiian-themed party dressed as a lit tiki torch. It was a lot of fun, but there was so much sparkly stuff and tiny broken lightbulbs on my floor afterward, it looked like I’d killed Ke$ha and done a shitty job covering up the evidence. I made it into the finals of the costume contest (tip: costumes involving fire / electricity are always a good bet), but ultimately the winner was my friend who dressed as the Landshark from classic Saturday Night Live, and I can’t argue with that. It was good.

Speaking of good times, I’m just going to drop a song here and go. Feel free to adopt it as your theme song or dance to it while you’re sitting in your car or share it with someone who needs it or whatever. It’s “Blow It Out” by The Features:


Oh, and my column at The New York Times is still running. If you’d like to see the latest — in which I am confused by the term “hookup” as it relates to elementary schoolers — here it is. Thanks!


Puppies For Everyone… Puppies All Around… PUPPIES PUPPIES PUPPIES

August 19, 2014 § 16 Comments

This is nothing but a bunch of squishy, delicious puppy pictures.

For context on who this little one is and where he came from, you can get the full story in my column today for The New York Times. Then you can wallow in some more fuzzy goodness here:


First, let us all take a moment of silence for Phoebe. She was so quiet and weird and wonderful and stubborn and blind and deaf and old and crotchety and sweet, and she can never be replaced. We love you, Pheebs.

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Next, let’s just acknowledge that yes, I am of the “Jump Right Back In” school of coping. And to everyone who asked, “Is this REALLY the best time for you to get a new puppy?” let me say: There is never a wrong time for me to have a puppy. All puppies, all the time.


Introducing Eleanor Roosevelt to her new pal, Woodstock.

Looks like it might take some time for them to become friends.


Or… maybe it’ll take no time at all.


I mean, seriously.

If Russian spies wanted to kill me, all they’d have to do is send in a spy-assassin-puppy.

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I’ll take a drumstick.


No clue what breed he is.

There’s some yellow lab in there, but other than that, who knows? We’re going with “blended heritage.”


“This is my baby brother. Now I shall squash him.”


Hard to tell who’s more grateful for the other.

If you really want to go nuts with puppy goodness, the article at the NYT has video, too. 

Oh, and I just want to holler some thanks at the good folks at the shelter and animal hospital where Woodstock lived before we met him. They took mighty good care of the little guy, and we’re glad.

11 Conversation Starters For Your Next Social Event With Strangers

August 11, 2014 § 15 Comments

Have you seen this Town & Country piece about how to start a conversation with someone you don’t know?

no fail, you say?



The article begins, “We’ve all been there, you’re at a party, wedding, or formal dinner, and barely know a soul.” Comma splice aside (I mean, seriously), it offers a mixed bag of suggestions from various experts (?) on how to start up a chat with a stranger.

Some of them are great, if perhaps a bit obvious: ask about the person’s work, compliment their outfit, ask if they’ve read anything good lately. Others seem a little heavy for breaking the ice at a party — for example, “What do you think is the driving force in your life?” If someone walked up to me at a party and asked what my driving force was, I would have NO CHOICE but to say, “The voices. All the voices.” And then I’d pop a meatball in my mouth and chew it verrrrry slowly while holding eye contact with the person until they walked away.

Anyway, my friend who sent me the link to the article suggested I might have some conversation starters of my own to offer, and I said, challenge accepted. Just for the sake of consistency, I applied them to the same photo from the article. So here you go — 11 ways to strike up a conversation:

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 (click any image to see it larger)


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Happy chatting!

So You Want to Join a Jellyfish Gang?

August 1, 2014 § 63 Comments

I’ve noticed something this summer: There’s never just a single jellyfish on the beach. Either you see none, or you see a whole bunch. The obvious conclusion to be drawn from this is that jellyfish travel in gangs.

It makes sense, if you think about it. The ocean is a big place, and it would be easy to feel lost and lonely if you weren’t a part of something bigger than yourself. Regular fish can be a bit cliquish, what with their elitist “schools” and such. Maybe jellyfish just want to feel like they belong to something.

And maybe you do, too. But before you go and sign up to join a jellyfish gang, there are some things you should know.



At first glance, jellyfish really seem to have it all figured out.



You see all these jellies, lounging around on the beach like, We own this club, and you think, “You know, that *does* look like fun.”



On the plus side, gangs offer a sense of belonging. If you’ve ever felt insecure about what makes you different, joining a gang can make you feel included for the first time. That’s a nice feeling. This jelly, for example, is super-mangled on one side and also appears to have an oozing head sore, but he’s a part of the group just the same. That’s pretty cool, for him.



The hierarchy within gangs also lends itself to the development of an intricate chain of command. Maybe you’ve never been in charge of anything before, but now there’s potential for you to rise to the top and show yourself to be a mentor and a boss.



Gang members have their own language, including phrases and symbols that outsiders don’t understand. Using these forms of communication makes you feel like you’re part of a family.



Plus, all your fellow gangsters look like big gummi bears.



But there’s a dark side, too. For one thing, gangs are recruiting younger and younger members, robbing them of their youth and introducing them to questionable behavior at a very young age. That’s sad.



Also, gang life is full of risks. For example, disagreements within the gang often fester and are not always resolved peacefully. It is common for disgruntled gangsters to use nearby items as objects of force on others.



The outcomes can be tragic.



And while it is sometimes possible for an outsider — like this clear straw wrapper — to gain access to the inner circle if he or she is similar enough to the other members…



… jelly gangs are notoriously bigoted and are known to ostracize those they see as outsiders, often puffing up defensively at the sight of anyone who is not sufficiently translucent…



… such as this guy, who was lured away from his friends and then abandoned on the hot sand in a cruel initiation ritual. He thought he was joining the gang, but in reality, he never had a chance.



So if you’re tempted to join a jellyfish gang, just make sure you’re going into it with your eyes open. If you look close enough, you may see that gang life isn’t all cookouts and street dancing. There’s a dark side, too.

And that’s science.*

(* It is not science.)

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A big high-five to WordPress for featuring this on their homepage — it is always fun to be Freshly Pressed, and I’m so grateful for the support — THANK YOU.

If this is your first visit here, you can click over there –> or up there ^ to subscribe and get more of this stuff, if you want. If you enjoyed this gang of anthropomorphized jellyfish, you might also enjoy The Random Penguins / Penguins with People Problems, which will soon be a book you can own and put on your coffee table. Or you might not. Who am I to say? 

If this strikes you as entirely silly, that’s probably a sign of your hale mental health, so good for you. You might prefer some of my more normal work, like the column I’m writing for The New York Times.

Either way, hello and thanks. -MLP  (online: Twitter / Facebook / Instagram)

How to Entertain Your Movers

July 21, 2014 § 38 Comments

Whew. Moving is hard.

Doing hard things is a shitload easier if you have the help of lots of other people, including hired professionals who may or may not have been professional bodybuilders in a past career and are therefore qualified to lift extremely heavy things. But even if you’re the one who needs help, you can’t just take, take, take. You have to give back a little, too. I’m a big believer in giving everyone I have a meaningful interaction with something — if not an actual thing, then a gesture, a feeling, a thought. Kind of like how my mama taught me that when you return somebody’s dish, you don’t return it empty; you put something of your own making back into it. (Thank you for the delicious casserole. Here is your pan back, along with some drawings I made of a giraffe smoking a cigarette.)

But what on earth could I offer a bunch of big, burly movers?

I decided I would give the gift of making their work a wee bit more interesting, and I would do it by labeling my moving boxes for them.

I mean, don’t you think it gets old, looking at all those brown boxes every day? They’re probably pretty similar in every house. “Kitchen… upstairs bath… dishes… books… roller skates…” I bet sometimes it feels like the same old job just repeating itself day after day. Well, not anymore. I would make these boxes different, keep the job entertaining. That’s what I could give.

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It occurred to me at one point that there was potential for this whole thing to go wrong. What if the boss guy saw one of my boxes, thought one of his packers labeled it, and said, “WTF, Carl — why is this box labeled, ‘socks for dragons’?  YOU’RE FIRED, CARL,” and then one of the really nice packer guys got canned? So I stopped, and instead of the spiritual gift of laughter, I got everyone some pizzas.

(In reality: If they even noticed, the boss guy was probably just like, “Oh, sheezus. Look, Carl, we got another jokester.”)

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PS: Are you having a nice summer? I hope so. As you may have noticed, I’m not posting here quite so much this month. But it’s for a bunch of good reasons. For one thing, I’m working on the book. For another, my day-job is jammin’ lately. But then also, it’s summer. And I just moved. And I can’t even find the box that has clean bras in it, and I don’t have a washing machine yet, so I’m spending a lot of time hand-washing these same two bras and hanging them up outside to dry, which is why I’ll probably be getting a LOT of dinner invitations from my new neighbors pretty soon, so I guess I’ll be staying quite busy for a while. But I’ll be back. Promise.

Penguins With People Problems: The Book

June 13, 2014 § 45 Comments

I guess I was always sort of afraid someone from Penguin Random House might call.

I figured it would be a lawyer with some sort of cease-and-desist message.

But when the call came, it was not a lawyer. It was an editor. And she did not want the birds to cease (or desist).

I’m beyond insanely excited to share the news that The Random Penguins will be waddling into the real world as a book in the summer of 2015. Penguins With People Problems will be published by Perigee Books, an imprint of — I swear I’m not making this up — Penguin Random House.

a book


So that’s the news. If you like stories, here’s the tale of how it all went down:

One day back in February, I got an email from a person I’d never met. Her name was Meg, and she said she was an executive editor at Perigee and wanted to talk. I love to talk, so I said OK and made a list of conversation topics and called her.

Meg did not want to discuss my hair or Downton Abbey or baby goats or that bitch I don’t like — or any of the other subjects I was ready to chat about. She wanted to know if I’d ever thought of turning The Random Penguins into a book. I said: Well sure, but life is busy and I just haven’t had time to pursue it. She said: Why don’t you think about it now, and then let’s talk again. And I said: OK, cool.

Then I hung up and hyperventilated.

Anyway — blah blah blah — lots of stuff happened between then and now. Conference calls; contracts; negotiations on the penguins’ behalf by my agent, Kristyn, who is awesome and understands how little I like to deal with math. But the gist is, there’s going to be a penguin book, published by the same company that published Lord of the Flies. It’s ALSO the company that published Color Me Swooooon, the activity book where you color pictures of Channing Tatum and Benedict Cumberbatch — so there’s obviously no place the penguins could possibly fit in better.

it takes all kinds

All this party needs are some penguins.

So. That’s that.  The book will be roughly half brand-new, never-seen-before penguins and half greatest hits of the online bunch (re-drawn with better technology). Manuscript and illustration due in August . . . which, if you know me in real life, means you know I’m writing and illustrating a book at the same time my people and I are living out of boxes, having just moved. I have no idea what day it is or which end is up. Please pardon me if I seem scattered. It’s all very exciting, though, and I’m super-crazypants grateful for the support of everyone who’s been around from the start.

Meanwhile, new penguins will still continue to go up on tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. AND, starting now, they’ll be on WordPress as well. (Many thanks to Michelle on the WordPress team for helping me click a few buttons and, beep-bop-boop, make that happen.) Head on over and click to follow if you want.

Thank you!


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